Sandy Hotchkiss
How to survive in a world of narcissism
Expression of gratitude
Preface
Introduction. They are everywhere
Part one
Chapter 1 Shamelessness
Chapter 2 Magical Thinking
Chapter 3 Arrogance
Chapter 4 Envy
Chapter 5 Claim to Ownership
Chapter 6 Operation
Chapter 7 Weak Boundaries
Part two
Where does narcissism come from?
Chapter 8 Childhood Narcissism and the Birth of the Self
Chapter 9 The Narcissistic Parent
Part three
Protect Yourself: Strategies for Surviving a World of Narcissism
Chapter 10 Strategy One: Know Yourself
Chapter 11 Strategy Two: Stay in touch with reality
Chapter 12 Strategy Three: Set Boundaries
Chapter 13 Strategy Four: Build Reciprocal Relationships
Part four
"Special People": Narcissistic Personalities in Your Life
Chapter 14 Adolescent Narcissism: What's Normal and What's Not
Chapter 15 Narcissism and Addiction: The Link to Shame
Chapter 16: Falling in love with the narcissistic personality: the illusion of fusion
Chapter 17 The Narcissistic Personality at Work: The Violence of Power
Chapter 18 Narcissism and Aging: The Mirror is Cracked
Part five
Only you can prevent narcissism
Chapter 19 The Narcissistic Society
Chapter 20 Be a good parent
UDC 615.851 BBK 53.57 X 85
X 85 Hell's Web: How to survive in the mentality of narcissism / Transl. English V. Mershavki. -
M.: Independent company. Class., 20 p.m. - (Library of psychology and psycho -
therapy).
This is the first popular book about arcissism. The author describes the signs of narcissistic personality disorder, the causes of its appearance associated with early childhood trauma, and gives practical recommendations on how to psychologically protect yourself when in the company of a narcissistic personality. Szndi Hotchkis calls. seven deadly sins. narcissism, as well as the mechanisms of their formation associated with parental upbringing and the surrounding culture. Break free from narcissism. cobwebs. is extremely difficult, since narcissistic personality disorder can affect not only our managers, employees, friends, lovers and neighbors, but also our loved ones - spouses, children and especially elderly parents. To maintain your health, and therefore the health of your children, you need to be able to see specific signs of narcissism and use specific defenses. The book provides many examples from life and analytical practice -
The book will be very interesting and useful not only for psychologists different schools And
directions, but also to educators and teachers, and most importantly, to a wide range of readers who would like to better understand the causes of their problems in relationships with other people, especially in the problem of the so-called psychological
Editor-in-Chief and Series Publisher Scientific consultant for the series EL. Mikhailova
© 2002, 2003 Sаndу Hotchkiss
© 2011 Independent company. Class., edition, design © 2010, cover design
Individual copies of the book series can be purchased in stores:
Moscow: House of Books. Arbat., .Trading houses. Biblio-Globus. And. Young guard.,
shop. Medical book.
St. Petersburg: House of Books.
Dedicated to Donald, the eternal friend of my MUSE
Expression of gratitude
The idea for this book simmered in my head for five years before I began to put my thoughts on paper, and during this time I received support and help from so many people.
I also want to thank all my fellow professionals who supported me when I decided to resign from my contract with the organization health insurance at the end of 1997. As a result, when I gave up most of my practice, I had time to write this book, but at the same time it meant that I was losing my livelihood. I was fortunate to be part of a community that helped me stay informed during a very turbulent period in the history of psychiatry, when health insurance gained power over the process of psychotherapy and threatened the very essence of the care we provide to people.
I also want to say a huge thank you to my husband, Donald Hildreth, who pulled me out of the dark past of standard notebooks and ballpoint pens, electric typewriters and "white-out" - into the world computer programs and text editors with extensive capabilities that make working with them a pleasure. I wrote the first few chapters of this book while sitting back to back with my husband in his art studio: me at his computer, and he at his easel, in the feng shui corner of our house. Finally, he bought me a small laptop computer, and a whole new world opened up for me. Thanks to this man who led me to the light and has always been the light in my life.
This book would never have been conceived, let alone published, without the important assistance of James Masterson, MD. I was introduced to Masterson's approach to the treatment of disorders of the Self in 1987, and his clear, powerful, and thoroughly valid model has become the basis of my clinical work throughout my career. In early 2000, he generously agreed to read part of the manuscript and eventually opened the doors to the publishing house for me "Siton & Schuster". His agreement to write the foreword to my book is a great honor for me, and I will appreciate this man all my life.
While writing this book, I was closely associated with many wonderful people, each of whom helped me in some way during my journey. Opening this list is Susan Lake, a doctor of psychology, who read all drafts of the manuscript and tirelessly supported and encouraged me during the most troubling moments, which were countless. I also thank my agent Peter Fleming, who has always been very dear to me - he was the first from the literary world who enthusiastically supported my idea. from "Harward Press" and Kitty Moore from "Guilford" who spent their time reading my first drafts and commenting on them. Thanks to Emily Brown, Social Worker , she was my model and advisor. Thanks to Eileen Berg - it was a gift from God - she provided reliable communication with the publisher for final publication. Thanks to my stepson Jeremy Hildreth and his “Only You Can Prevent Narcissism” T-shirt, a situation arose that brought Eileen and I together. What intuition and insight!
I also thank Katie Koss, Colleen Garner, Carol Schwartz, and Whitney Wagner, who read early drafts of the manuscript, for their feedback. Thanks to them, their mothers and friends!
My experience with "Free Press" was successful from the very beginning. Many thanks to Trish Todd, who listened to her friend Eileen Berg and forwarded my suggestion to Philip Rappoport, who was a fastidious editor. Diving headlong into issues of narcissism can cause anger, and Philip's kindness and optimism helped me maintain balance as I processed the material. Thank you very much to a skilful assistant for translating my manuscript onto disk.
Preface
People who do business or are involved in intimate relationships with others who have narcissistic personality disorder often experience confusion or impasse due to the extreme contradictions in the behavior of people with such disorders, along with the hidden and extremely long-lasting persistence of their narcissistic needs. These needs manifest themselves in a pretentious desire to constantly admire other people, which hides one’s own vulnerability, which manifests itself at the slightest rebuff or refusal, which then causes emotionally devastating shame. Their behavior may seem charismatic and charming for a while - but then cold and calculating, sometimes with unpredictable outbursts of rage.
I have often seen the parents, spouses, and children of the parents of the person being treated, confused. They could not believe the obvious: that the patient was trapped in a persistent cycle of narcissistic vulnerability and defense.
For a very long time I have wanted a book to appear that would make it possible to understand the cyclical recurrence of this disorder, and would also highlight the possibilities of its treatment.
And finally, we have such a book. It was written by Sandy Hotchkiss, L.C.S.W. and is called Why is it Always About Whoa? The Seven Deadly Sipsof Narcissist(“Hell's web. How to survive in the world of narcissism”). It is beautifully written and a pleasure to read. The author collected and combined all possible professional literature on this topic and wrote an excellent text in clear English, which is quite accessible to a non-professional in the field of psychoanalysis. Very specific concepts are well explained and clearly illustrated. Each chapter has detailed notes. This book fills a vacuum in the literature. It should be read by everyone: both a professional psychologist and anyone else who would like to better understand what narcissistic personality disorder is.
Masterson, MD, Director of the Masterson Institute for Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy, Professor Emeritus of Psychiatry, Cornell University Medical College at New York Hospital
Introduction
They are everywhere
A quarter to five. One of the most ordinary working days. The phones ring without stopping, lunch is just a moment when you barely chewed and managed to swallow a dry piece of pizza while walking from the staff break room, and everyone you met along the way seemed to want to pinch off from you a piece. But, despite this, you managed to finish the report that hung over you all last week like the sword of Damocles. Feeling that you are already being carried away from here, you do not pay attention to phone calls and focus entirely on tomorrow’s plans, on what needs to be done first. Gradually, your thoughts take you far away, you dream of a hot dinner and a warm shower and how to go to bed early in a cozy bed.
Suddenly your dreams come to an abrupt end. A colleague’s head fits inappropriately into your office compartment.
The boss needs us to double-check these numbers,” he says and places a stack of papers on his desk. - Unfortunately, I can’t stay today to help you: Judy and I have tickets to the play.
“It’s his “I can’t” again,” you think. “Why does Judy and I always have a show at the last minute and why am I the one who usually has to stay here late?!”
An hour later you climb into the car and head home. At a road crossing, you wait as three teenagers move at a snail's pace across the road, oblivious to the cars speeding in all directions. I wonder if they can crawl even slower? You gently press the horn in the hope that the three will pay at least some attention to you and hurry up. But the teenagers continue to waddle lazily, and one of them, passing by, bursts out with abuse. Children. Why do they have such hostility?
Finally, you arrive home and, entering the door, find your husband in the living room; he leaned back in his chair reading the evening news; he has a can of beer in his hand, and two empty ones are sitting forlornly on the coffee table.
“You’re a little late today,” he greets you. - What do we have for dinner?
I left everything! - you shout back, feeling relieved that there is something edible in the refrigerator.
“I’ve turned into the sworn friend of frozen chicken,” he mutters offendedly through his teeth, irritated. - Can you at least once in your life cook dinner for your husband so that he eats with pleasure?
“Shouldn’t we go to yourself from here to fanfare,” you mutter quietly under your breath.
Later, while you were washing the dishes, the phone rang. As usual - mom.
“You haven’t remembered me for three whole days,” she blurted out, barely hearing your voice. - It's ugly, very ugly.
Hello mom, how are you? - you answer.
It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter very much. I'm without milk, I need to deposit a check, and the damn cleaning lady still hasn't shown up. If I had a daughter who cared about anything other than her career, I wouldn't have to hire people to do all this for me.
“And if I had a mother,” says your inner voice, “then perhaps there would be at least one person who would ask how I have day passed".
Ten o'clock. A large, cozy bed, beckoning into its soft embrace: dressed in old flannel pajamas, you are finally ready to answer its fiery call! But no, it turns out your work day is not over yet.
“Darling,” your husband coos, pulling you towards him, nuzzling your neck like a puppy, “why aren’t you in the nightgown I gave you for your birthday?”
“Hubby, come down to earth - do you really think I’m capable of anything else?!”
Sometimes it seems that the world is full of egoists who do not think at all about others and only do what they do to use them for their own purposes. Their needs are much more important than the needs and aspirations of others, and they believe that others will provide everything for them. They seem to have a limited view of life and have difficulty recognizing that their priorities do not always align with those of others. Their expectations are in many ways similar to the expectations of children, and at the same time, when faced with obstacles, they can be despotic and indignant, or remain in a gloomy or whiny depressive state. Often we are inclined to give in to them, because we think that it would be better for us not to become the rock on which their ship will crash.
Everyone knows such people. These may be our parents, brothers or sisters, children, spouses, lovers, friends, colleagues and bosses; these could be acquaintances whom we met at the club or public organization. They are everywhere, and the more our lives are intertwined with theirs, the more suffering we experience.
This suffering is a byproduct of some personality flaw that, thanks to today's cultural norms, has become outrageously "normal." We feel that something is wrong, but we cannot pinpoint exactly what it is. We encounter this daily and hourly in interpersonal relationships, who often turn out to be not as kind and friendly as we would like, and we are sometimes unable to show generosity. We feel this in the workplace, where the environment is filled with resentment, resentment, debilitating anxiety and work stress. But perhaps we are most susceptible to the effects of this disease in our close relationships with friends, lovers, and family, which give life a sense of meaning and completeness. By its very nature, this disease alienates us from each other and from real life; it comes between us and what we want to have and be. This disease is called narcissism, and it lies behind many of the social ills plaguing America in the 21st century.
It is difficult to say anything new about narcissism. There have always been empty, greedy, manipulative people with inflationary self-perceptions who did not take other people's interests into account. What is troubling in contemporary culture is the degree to which other people's psychological flaws are universally lauded. In our time, in modern era narcissism is not only tolerated - it is approved and praised. Many of our leaders and public figures we admire show off their narcissistic tendencies, and we are eager to emulate their exceptionalism. Their outrageous behavior does not leave us indifferent and seems charming and attractive to us, and therefore we allow ourselves to “admire” them. Until we learn to recognize which behaviors are healthy and which are not, we will be walking around in a fog, and saying that “everyone does it” will not help justify those who are heading downhill.
Returning to the mid-1970s, let us remember that sociologist Christopher Lash (Christopher Lasch) wrote a book called The Culture of Narcissism (The Culture oof Narcissist), which made many people think about what had happened in American society since the end of World War II. It spoke of the feelings of superiority, prosperity and confidence that characterized our national spirit in the 1950s, culminating in the “Times of Camelot” during the presidency of John F. Kennedy. The situation began to change when the young and delusional president was struck down by an assassin's bullet - and at the same time the first wave of baby boomers rolled onto the coastline adolescence. A tsunami of youthful confusion and experimentation swept through American culture, even as there were many other troubles and misfortunes in the United States at the time. Over the next fifteen years, economic stagnation, defeat in the Vietnam campaign, and the threat of future exhaustion natural resources led to the emergence of pessimistic sentiments. “In an era of declining expectations,” Lash writes, “the rosy glow that used to be visible on the horizon began to fade and fade.”
Although "cap-do" spirit- This executive and energetic spirit of the 50s and 60s of the twentieth century led to unprecedented advances in science and technology, these achievements were ultimately not enough to carry out the political and social reforms that gradually took place in the rejuvenated (youth-dominated) culture in the late 60s. Lash spoke in detail about how we became desperate at the changes society had undergone and began to turn inward, focusing on the one thing we hoped was within our control: ourselves. By expanding consciousness, improving health and personal growth we could dispel the anxiety associated with the unpredictability of the outside world. In a sense, we have become more and more absorbed in our “Self.”
But with all the preoccupation with anxiety, it is probably necessary to decide on a love or hate relationship with the very concept of “Self”. Sometimes this concept is associated with such unsightly traits as narcissism, selfishness and arrogance. On the other hand, “unselfishness” also arouses our suspicion. If someone openly shows concern for others, we call such people dependent and say that they first need to start caring for themselves. Martyrdom clearly does not fit into our lifestyle. But if we use the concept of Self in a figurative sense and add “consciousness” or “judgment” to it, then the Self becomes absolutely positive.
Is the Self good or bad? A person could not simply function, let alone survive, if he did not invest something in his Self. Without paying attention to others, we would cease to develop and would remain unconscious, our abilities would continue to sleep within us, and our values would remain unformed. A world where there is no Ego is not original, colorless, there is no clarity in it. There is also no variety in it, the need for choice is lost. Even love would lose its meaning if there were no “I” to collide with “You”.
Healthy narcissism, the investment of energy in one's true Self, has its roots in infancy and early childhood and flourishes into an emotionally rich, productive, and satisfying adult life. This is healthy narcissism, allowing us to laugh at ourselves, our imperfections and shortcomings, go deep within ourselves to create something unique, our own, and leave a mark of our activity in the world. Healthy narcissism indicates that a person has the ability to feel emotions in all their diversity, sharing his emotional life with other people, the presence of wisdom that allows him to separate truth from fantasy, and at the same time - the ability to dream, along with the ability to confidently go towards your goal and rejoice own successes without dwelling on nagging doubts. Healthy narcissism depends on a person's real self-esteem, which is completely absent in people whom we usually call narcissistic personalities.
We consider the narcissistic personality to be unhealthy; This is a person of any age who has not yet reached his emotional and moral development. He lacks a realistic sense of Self and an internalized value system, not to mention the all-consuming interest in himself that determines his behavior. Instead of an accurate assessment of individual strengths and capabilities, there is a posture of extra-importance that is completely unrelated to his true achievements and successes. Instead of showing humility in relation to his inevitably present shortcomings, he is overwhelmed by a completely unbearable feeling of shame, often carefully disguised. In addition, the narcissistic personality lacks the ability to appreciate, and quite often even recognize, the independent existence of other people or their feelings. The narcissistic personality may be fearful and even hypnotic, but behind its pomposity or charm lies an emotional deficiency combined with the moral development of a child who has just begun to walk.
In Part 1, entitled “The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism,” I discuss the characteristic ways a narcissistic person thinks and behaves. Some of them, such as the Claim of Right (eptitlement) and the accompanying rage, arrogance and magical thinking (feelings of grandiosity and omnipotence) are well known. However, you may be surprised to learn that weak interpersonal boundaries, emotional emptiness caused by deeply repressed shame, envy along with its sidekick contempt, and the desire to take advantage of others that fill the vacuum left by a lack of empathy are all signs of narcissism is even greater than the inflationary ego or absolute egoism. It is precisely such behavior and such attitudes that protect the undeveloped Self at the cost of deteriorating the condition of other people. I called these traits “mortal”, because, having penetrated into everyone who comes into contact with them, they destroy the integrity of his personality; and at the same time, I consider them “sinful”, since they destroy the personality of the person himself. The seven deadly sins of narcissism not only maim and traumatize other people, but also prevent the narcissistic personality from developing its true Self.
To begin to understand how to protect yourself from the narcissistic individuals you encounter in life, it helps to know who you are dealing with and how they got there. In Part II of the book, you will learn that narcissism is a normal stage of development in early childhood that everyone goes through in order to become a more complete person. To make this transition, we need the help of healthy parents who keep their unhealthy narcissism under reasonable control and are able to develop the individuality of their children while teaching them to value and respect other people. If the parents themselves are narcissistic individuals, then they often use their children to satisfy their own egoistic needs and cannot facilitate their healthy passage through the stage of normal childhood narcissism. The result is a second generation of narcissistic personalities, as well as people who are magnetically attracted to these types of personalities.
In Part III of the book, you will learn survival strategies to protect your Self from the harmful effects of the narcissistic personality. The first step is to identify what psychological traumas have been carried into your life from the past. The more you were exposed to parental narcissism as a child, the more sensitive you may be to the influence of a narcissistic personality as an adult. Although narcissistic personalities tend to beget others like themselves, often narcissistic parents raise children who become mirror images of themselves - more shameful than shameless, more closed in terms of acceptance, who would rather allow themselves to be used than to use others, but in the same way feel difficulties in defining the boundaries of their personality. Such difficulties, as well as problems with self-esteem, make them easy prey for narcissistic personalities, who continue to use them in the same way as their parents did in childhood. If you find yourself easily drawn into relationships with narcissistic individuals, you need to imagine what makes them attractive to you, see the reality behind their fantasy, find the courage to set limits and gain the clarity necessary to recognize your own boundaries. and other people's boundaries - and work to form, develop and maintain mutual relationships. These are your strongest defenses against the unhealthy narcissism of others, and this book is designed and written to show you how to apply these principles in your daily life.
Narcissistic individuals consider themselves to be “special people,” so Part IV of the book is devoted to a more in-depth exploration of those specific cases in which narcissism can be especially harmful. For example, in the case of teenage crushes, there is a fine line between what is normal and what is not. In addition, narcissistic individuals are more prone to dependent and compulsive behavior due to their special sensitivity to the manifestation of shame. Dealing with narcissism at work or in interactions with aging parents requires developing the ability to be emotionally detached without stopping necessary activities, maintaining equanimity, composure, respect and empathy. I hope that some of the techniques I discuss will help you take more right decisions in the area of your personal relationships and personal life, maintaining peace of mind.
Finally, Part V of the book looks to the future and gives some recommendations on what to do to regulate the unhealthy narcissism that surrounds us. Our culture is heavily influenced by narcissism, so the problems we face on a daily basis are no accident. A truly strong Self, capable of going beyond just self-interest, will help us resist this influence. If we understand where self-esteem is actually formed and agree that we must raise healthy children, if this becomes priority number one, then we have managed to avoid sharp corners and make the world a better place.
Part one
The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism
Shamelessness
Stephanie felt the ball bounce off her racquet and watched as it flew towards the back line of the court, remaining in the court area. Her attention was divided into two axis: on the one hand, she followed the flight of the ball, on the other- behind coordinated movements of your body. “Watch the flight of the ball,- she told herself,- hit the sides, break through the defense, finish.” "Forehand after forehand"- she repeated to herself like a mantra, until the rhythm of the practice strikes prevailed over her conscious efforts to control them. Thanks to a few correct and accurate shots, she found herself in that “zone”, being in which is very inspiring for athletes when they succeed and practically do not make mistakes.
She smiled to herself, rejoicing at the level achieved, thinking O wondering if Doug, her husband, noticed how well she was hitting today,- and immediately received a heavily cut cross under the backhand. She quickly ran forward and lunged, but the ball hit the rim of her racket and bounced off the court.
- You never feel this pruning,- Doug began to scold her loudly from his half of the court.
- Never,- Stephanie repeated after him, feeling as if now somewhere deep inside she had lost all interest. Her entire body was permeated with pain, which was concentrated in the center of her chest. She felt that it was too difficult for her to move her feet, too awkward to hold a racket in her hand, which was being hit by a small tennis ball."I I'll never learn to play this game decently."- she thought painfully, sending the next three balls in a row into the net. The euphoria that had arisen for some moment before completely evaporated, and in its place a hopeless feeling of inappropriateness appeared. Stephanie swallowed the tears welling up in her throat and mentally kicked herself. "You're such a child"- She muttered to herself, already getting ready to pack her things and go home.
_Are you scared of me again and broke down?- Doug shouted to her. He was only teasing her, trying to encourage her to start a tennis duel again, but his words affected her like salt on a fresh abrasion. Tennis is over for her today.
This woman may seem touchy, that's true. In our profession, we call this kind of resentment “narcissistic injury,” and to the injured person it can seem as obvious as the thing that caused it. In this case, the person experiences terrible, devastating pain, which is what happened to Stephanie in the example above. What seems like a fairly ordinary event is essentially an old wound being reopened: a trusting relationship was broken due to "misaligned" communication (her joy was met with his criticism), and, adding to the old injury a new one, Stephanie's reliable husband was unable to do nothing to ease her pain. Stephanie's sensitivity, her sudden loss of joy and pleasure, and her difficulty in regaining emotional balance all point to the consequences of very early experiences encoded deep in her psyche, most likely beyond the point where the psyche is no longer accessible to her conscious memory. . There are the origins of her constant obsessive urge to experience a feeling of shame.
Shame is one of the most unbearable feelings of a person, regardless of his age and life situation. Unlike guilt, it does not indicate a mistake, but rather the suffering associated with a general personal flaw. At first we feel ashamed in front of our mother or another person to whom we have felt a strong attachment since early childhood, when, starting at the age of one, we (usually) open up to her our emotionality, but instead of sharing our joy, she frowns and says: “No!” Our mother's unexpected disapproval shatters the illusions of power and importance that we have in our early childhood view of ourselves, engendered by our close relationship with her. Without any warning, we were kicked out of heaven, and this could only happen because we are bad. We feel that we are bad, and therefore we are.
For some children, this experience, which is repeated over and over again in the process of their socialization, becomes so difficult and even crushing that they never manage to completely overcome it, and they live their whole lives avoiding everything that makes them feel shame. Recent neuroscience research has shown that the developing brain is completely unable to process the intense experience of shame at the age of onset of socialization, and that the absence of an emotionally attached parent during this critical period can essentially stop the development of life - the development of ways to cope with such extremely unpleasant feelings. To ensure the normal development of the child's brain, parents must do what the child's brain cannot do on its own - calm the child, relieving him of the shame that they themselves caused.
Katherine was the mother of Janie, an active two-year-old girl who was the darling of the whole family. When one day a visitor came with a small child, Janie noticed that the mother was paying attention to him and expressed her indignation by hitting the child. Katherine was horrified and scolded her daughter, and then, as punishment, left her in the nursery alone - in tears and full of shame. But Catherine sympathized with her daughter and did not allow her to remain in humiliation alone for too long. Soon she returned to her and said: “You can’t hit little ones, and you should never do that again. Notes good girl, and mom loves you. Now let's go into the room and you will say: "Forgive me, Betsy." Katherine then hugged her daughter. Together they returned to the guests, and Catherine helped Janie apologize.
If parents do not act as Katherine did, do not calm the child down to rid him of the shame they have caused, children develop their own means of compensating for shame - they “shake off” the intolerable feeling and resort to fantasy to hide from the monster, leaving him “ behind the wall." They cling to their own self-image, believing themselves to be special, strong and important.
The shame of the narcissistic personality is so intolerable that the tools that were developed in childhood no longer help her. What psychologists call "circumventive shame" (“bypassed shame”), looks like shamelessness or shamelessness hiding behind a protective barrier of denial, coldness, judgment or rage. Since there are no healthy internal mental mechanisms able to process this painful feeling, shame is directed outward, away from the Self. He will never become “my flaw.”
I remember one young woman I started working with when she was a teenager and watched her until she was twenty-five years old. Her parents divorced when she was a child, alternately spoiled and completely ignored by her self-centered father, and she had to constantly struggle with feelings of low self-esteem that weighed heavily on her. She considered herself stupid and periodically acted out her incompetence. However, these feelings, accompanied by shame, were even more superficial compared to the humiliation she felt, feeling rejected and abandoned by her father. Just how deep the pain was was revealed in a dramatic episode shortly after she learned that her father had been diagnosed with cancer. “Just the age when I should have gotten married,” she said sarcastically, her lips curling into a wicked grin. “He never paid for anything in my life.” The specter of his eventual death - that is, that he would finally abandon her - pushed her from a state of shame at her worthlessness into a state of frozen rage. She did not have even a hint of embarrassment due to the cold rage that broke through - only raw, traumatic contempt.
It so happened that a not very sweet period came in my life, when I didn’t want to hear or see anyone, and I sent all kinds of psychologists and psychiatrists to hell. But I can’t keep the problem to myself, and my husband brought me books by Irina Semina. She is the author of fairy tales for adults, as I understand, she is a psychotherapist. Its main direction is fairy tale therapy.
The book “How Mommy Went for a Miracle” attracted me primarily by its title. It is dedicated to everyone who wants to become a mother, who is already preparing to see their baby, as well as for mothers with small and large children. This book is about children and their parents. The book is hardcover, smooth to the touch, pleasant to hold in your hand. Total 223 pages.
it represents a kind of school of motherhood. Not in the literal sense, of course, because motherhood is inherent in us by nature. But by reading the book, you will be able to look at yourself and your children in a new way. The book will help improve marital relationships in the family, you will find harmony and peace. Even the chapters in the book are called "miracles."
The book carries a special message to those girls and women who have been waiting for a long time for their miracle and for some reason it does not work out. Also, due to a psychological block, I couldn’t get pregnant for a long time. Many of you who are already in despair have heard the phrase “let go of the situation.” It's easy to say, but how to do it? If this is all you think about, this is all you live for. This book has the answer to this exciting question.
But I got the book after pregnancy and it also helped me.
Each problem is described in a separate tale. Reading a fairy tale, it seems that everything is written about you and your life. Although the book is exciting and very interesting, you still need to read it slowly, pondering the information received, reflecting on your actions and thoughts, comparing them with the written fairy tale.
Gradually you will learn about things you never even thought about; those little things that you don’t think are worth due attention turn out to be the most important element V family relationships and in relationships with children.
The book is easy and understandable to read.
I remember the fairy tale about the apple tree, how it bloomed beautifully in the spring, but did not bear fruit... How it ended, you will find out after reading the book.
The fairy tale “Hide and Seek in a Wonderful Land” will help find answers for those who dream of children, but for some reason they are in no hurry to come into this world.
The fairy tale “bag of problems” has become relevant for me now. After reading it, I felt like I was born again. And to get rid of his “bag of problems” the author gives homework. I have already done some of the work and many of my fears have truly disappeared.
After reading the book, you begin to believe in miracles again. But they exist and have always been. I believe that our thoughts materialize and often negativity and problems become reality. The author Irina Semina, through her fairy tales, helps to get rid of fears, such thoughts as “what if this happens to me,” etc.
Our life is amazing and unpredictable, as mysterious as the fairy tales of Elfika (Irina Semina). Sometimes in order to understand your life path, you need to find its meaning. A fairy tale comes to the rescue, which carries a hidden message that needs to be found and realized. The essence of this book is to help you feel happier, believe in miracles and bring them closer to yourself. The phrase “what if…” disappeared from my vocabulary and “everything will work out for me” appeared.
Dreams come true, and this book is a kind of assistant in bringing closer that dream that doctors invisibly pushed aside, making gloomy and final diagnoses.
The book inspired me to write a fairy tale myself. A fairy tale is born like children. First, “conception” is the essence of the problem, then “gestation” is put together like a puzzle, and finally, “contractions” are when the fairy tale asks to come out. And here is the “birth” itself - dropping everything, you write down a fairy tale on paper, afraid of missing something...
And each fairy tale is different, each has its own meaning. And the problem was gone!
Read the book and you will understand what I am talking about.
My friends have already lined up for this book. Everyone is unhappy with their child, but the problem is not with them, but with us.
