The main institution of education is the family. Everything we receive in it is stored on long years. It lays the foundations of personality, thanks to it the child receives his first life experiences and observations. But family upbringing can have not only a positive impact on a child, but also a negative one.
What parents put into their child will accompany him throughout adult life. But for a child, the relationship between parents is also important, because the baby will follow their example. The main thing is that an atmosphere of trust and love reigns in the family, there are good traditions and relationships, then the upbringing will be positive. But sometimes excessive care and “blind” fulfillment of the child’s whims and desires leads to the fact that he begins to value only material goods.
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We see an example of positive education in L.N. Tolstoy’s novel “War and Peace.” The Rostov family is an example ideal relationship family members who respect and love each other. Their children grew up in love and mutual understanding. Parents were able to instill in their children respect for national culture, native language, taught kindness, compassion, mercy. So, during the war, the Rostovs made a hospital for the wounded in their house, and when moving from Moscow, they gave the carts on which they transported their property to the soldiers.
An example of negative education is shown in D. I. Fonvizin’s comedy “Minor”, in which main character, Mitrofanushka, was not eager to study or serve, but preferred the position of a “minor.” His mother completely shared his mood, so they got along well and understood each other. Mrs. Prostakova was a rude and greedy landowner, but she loved her son madly and was ready to do anything for him. But her love turned against her. Mitrofan abandoned her at the most difficult moment of her life. Without money and power, his mother became unnecessary to him and he decided to find new influential patrons. Thus, we see that the mother’s excessive love made material values the main thing for Mitrofan, and not spiritual and moral ones.
So, the family is the foundation in shaping the personality of a future person. What a child sees and observes in the family will be the basis for the formation of his character.
Updated: 2017-11-12
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Subject: Psychology
Topic: The influence of family on the development of personality.
Prepared by: Skripkina Ksenia
Traditionally, the main institution of education is the family. What a child acquires in the family during childhood, he retains throughout his entire subsequent life. The importance of the family as an educational institution is due to the fact that the child stays in it for a significant part of his life, and in terms of the duration of its impact on the individual, none of the educational institutions can compare with the family. It lays the foundations of the child’s personality, and by the time he enters school, he is already more than half formed as a person.
The family can act as both a positive and negative factor in education. The positive impact on the child’s personality is that no one, except the people closest to him in the family - mother, father, grandmother, grandfather, brother, sister, treats the child better, loves him and cares so much about him. And at the same time, no other social institution can potentially cause as much harm in raising children as a family can do.
The family is a special kind of collective that plays a fundamental, long-term and most important role in education. Anxious mothers often have anxious children; ambitious parents often suppress their children so much that this leads to the appearance of an inferiority complex; an unrestrained father who loses his temper at the slightest provocation often, without knowing it, forms a similar type of behavior in his children, etc.
In connection with the special educational role of the family, the question arises of how to maximize the positive and minimize the negative influences of the family on the upbringing of the child. To do this, it is necessary to accurately determine intrafamily socio-psychological factors that have educational significance.
The main thing in raising a little person is to achieve spiritual unity, a moral connection between parents and child. In no case should parents let the upbringing process take its course and at an older age, leave the matured child alone with himself. It is in the family that the child receives his first life experience, makes first observations and learns how to behave in various situations. It is very important that what we teach a child is reinforced concrete examples so that he can see that in adults, theory does not diverge from practice. (If your child sees that his mom and dad, who tell him every day that lying is wrong, without noticing it themselves, deviate from this rule, all upbringing can go down the drain.)
Each parent sees in their children their continuation, the realization of certain attitudes or ideals. And it is very difficult to retreat from them. Conflict situation between parents - different approaches to raising children.
The first task of parents is to find common decision, convince each other. If a compromise has to be made, it is imperative that the basic requirements of the parties are satisfied. When one parent makes a decision, he must remember the position of the other.
The second task is to make sure that the child does not see contradictions in the positions of the parents, i.e. It is better to discuss these issues without him.
Children quickly “grasp” what is said and quite easily maneuver between their parents, seeking momentary benefits (usually in the direction of laziness, poor studies, disobedience, etc.).
When making a decision, parents should put in the first place not their own views, but what will be more useful for the child.
In communication, adults and children develop the following principles of communication:
Adoption of a child, i.e. the child is accepted for who he is.
Empathy (compassion) - an adult looks at problems through the eyes of a child and accepts his position. Congruence. It assumes an adequate attitude on the part of an adult to what is happening. Parents may love a child for no reason, despite the fact that he is ugly, not smart, and neighbors complain about him. The child is accepted for who he is. (Unconditional love) Perhaps parents love him when the child meets their expectations. when he studies and behaves well. but if the child does not satisfy those needs, then the child is, as it were, rejected, the attitude changes for the worse. This brings significant difficulties, the child is not confident in his parents, he does not feel the emotional security that should be there from infancy. (conditional love)
The child may not be accepted by the parents at all. He is indifferent to them and may even be rejected by them (for example, a family of alcoholics). But maybe in a prosperous family (for example, he was not long-awaited, there were serious problems, etc.) the parents do not necessarily realize this. But there are purely subconscious moments (for example, the mother is beautiful, but the girl is ugly and withdrawn. The child annoys her.)
Types of family relationships
Each family objectively develops a certain system of upbringing that is not always conscious of it. Here we mean an understanding of the goals of education, the formulation of its tasks, and a more or less targeted application of methods and techniques of education, taking into account what can and cannot be allowed in relation to the child. Four tactics of upbringing in the family can be distinguished and four types of family relationships corresponding to them, which are both a prerequisite and a result of their occurrence: dictate, guardianship, “non-interference” and cooperation.
Diktat in the family is manifested in the systematic behavior of some family members (mainly adults) initiatives and feelings self-esteem from its other members.
Parents, of course, can and should make demands on their child, based on the goals of education, moral standards, specific situations, in which it is necessary to make pedagogically and morally justified decisions. However, those of them who prefer order and violence to all types of influence are faced with the resistance of a child who responds to pressure, coercion, and threats with his own countermeasures: hypocrisy, deception, outbursts of rudeness, and sometimes outright hatred. But even if resistance turns out to be broken, many valuable personality traits are broken along with it: independence, self-esteem, initiative, faith in oneself and in one’s capabilities. Reckless authoritarianism of parents, ignoring the interests and opinions of the child, systematically depriving him of the right to vote in resolving issues pertaining to him - all this is a guarantee of serious failures in the formation of his personality.
Family care is a system of relationships in which parents, while ensuring through their work that all the child’s needs are met, protect him from any worries, efforts and difficulties, taking them upon himself. The question of active personality formation fades into the background. At the center of educational influences is another problem - meeting the child’s needs and protecting him from difficulties. Parents, in fact, block the process of seriously preparing their children to face reality beyond the threshold of their home. It is these children who turn out to be more unadapted to life in a group. According to psychological observations, it is this category of adolescents that gives greatest number breakdowns in adolescence. It is these children, who seem to have nothing to complain about, who begin to rebel against excessive parental care. If dictatorship implies violence, order, strict authoritarianism, then guardianship implies care, protection from difficulties. However, the result is largely the same: children lack independence, initiative, they are somehow removed from resolving issues that personally concern them, and even more so common problems families.
System interpersonal relationships in a family, based on the recognition of the possibility and even expediency of independent existence of adults from children, can be generated by the tactics of “non-interference.” It is assumed that two worlds can coexist: adults and children, and neither one nor the other should cross the line thus drawn. Most often, this type of relationship is based on the passivity of parents as educators.
Cooperation as a type of relationship in the family presupposes the mediation of interpersonal relationships in the family by common goals and objectives joint activities, its organization and high moral values. It is in this situation that the child’s selfish individualism is overcome. A family, where the leading type of relationship is cooperation, acquires a special quality and becomes a group of a high level of development - a team.
The style of family education and the values accepted in the family are of great importance in the development of self-esteem.
3 styles of family education:
laissez-faire
In a democratic style, the interests of the child are taken into account first. "Consent" style.
With the permissive style, the child is left to his own devices.
A preschooler sees himself through the eyes of close adults who are raising him. If the family's assessments and expectations do not correspond to the child's age and individual characteristics, his self-image seems distorted.
M.I. Lisina traced the development of self-awareness of preschoolers depending on the characteristics of family upbringing. Children with an accurate idea of themselves are raised in families where parents devote a lot of time to them; positively assess their physical and mental data, but do not consider their level of development higher than that of most peers; predict good performance at school. These children are often rewarded, but not with gifts; They are punished mainly by refusal to communicate. Children with a low self-image grow up in families that do not teach them, but demand obedience; they evaluate them low, often reproach them, punish them, sometimes in front of strangers; they are not expected to succeed in school or achieve significant achievements in later life.
A child’s adequate and inappropriate behavior depends on the conditions of upbringing in the family.
Children who have low self-esteem are dissatisfied with themselves. This happens in a family where parents constantly blame the child or set excessive goals for him. The child feels that he does not meet the requirements of his parents. (Do not tell your child that he is ugly; this creates complexes that are then impossible to get rid of.)
Inadequacy can also manifest itself with inflated self-esteem. This happens in a family where the child is often praised, and gifts are given for little things and achievements (the child gets used to material rewards). The child is punished very rarely, the system of demands is very soft.
Adequate presentation - a flexible system of punishment and praise is needed here. Admiration and praise with him are excluded. Gifts are rarely given for actions. Extreme harsh punishments are not used.
In families where children grow up with high, but not inflated, self-esteem, attention to the child’s personality (his interests, tastes, relationships with friends) is combined with sufficient demands. Here they do not resort to humiliating punishment and willingly praise when the child deserves it. Children with low self-esteem (not necessarily very low) enjoy greater freedom at home, but this freedom, in essence, is lack of control, a consequence of parents’ indifference to their children and to each other.
School performance is important criterion assessments of the child as a person by adults and peers. The attitude towards oneself as a student is largely determined by family values. For a child, those qualities that his parents care about most come to the fore - maintaining prestige (questions are asked at home: “Who else got an A?”), obedience (“Were you scolded today?”), etc. In the self-awareness of a small schoolchild, the emphasis shifts when parents are concerned not with educational, but with everyday moments in his school life (“Isn’t there a breeze in the classroom from the windows?”, “What did you have for breakfast?”), or they don’t care about anything at all - school life not discussed or debated formally. A rather indifferent question: “What happened at school today?” sooner or later will lead to the corresponding answer: “Nothing special,” “Everything is fine.”
Parents also set the initial level of the child’s aspirations - what he aspires to in educational activities and relationships. Children with high level pretensions, inflated self-esteem and prestigious motivation, they count only on success. Their ideas about the future are equally optimistic.
Children with low aspirations and low self-esteem do not aspire to much, either in the future or in the present. They do not set high goals for themselves and constantly doubt their capabilities; they quickly come to terms with the level of performance that develops at the beginning of their studies.
Anxiety may become a personality trait at this age. High anxiety becomes stable with constant dissatisfaction with studies on the part of parents. Let's say a child gets sick, falls behind his classmates, and finds it difficult to get involved in the learning process. If the temporary difficulties he experiences irritate adults, anxiety arises, fear of doing something bad, wrong. The same result is achieved in a situation where the child studies quite successfully, but the parents expect more and make inflated, unrealistic demands.
Due to the increase in anxiety and associated low self-esteem, educational achievements decrease and failure is consolidated. Lack of self-confidence leads to a number of other features - the desire to mindlessly follow the instructions of an adult, to act only according to samples and templates, fear of taking initiative, formal assimilation of knowledge and methods of action.
Adults dissatisfied with falling productivity academic work child, focus more and more on these issues in communication with him, which increases emotional discomfort. It turns out to be a vicious circle: the child’s unfavorable personal characteristics are reflected in his educational activities, low performance results in a corresponding reaction from others, and this negative reaction, in turn, strengthens the child’s existing characteristics. You can break this circle by changing your parents’ attitudes and assessments. Close adults, focusing attention on the slightest achievements of the child. Without blaming him for individual shortcomings, they reduce his level of anxiety and thereby contribute to the successful completion of educational tasks.
The second option is demonstrativeness - a personality trait associated with an increased need for success and attention from others. The source of demonstrativeness is usually the lack of attention of adults to children who feel abandoned and “unloved” in the family. But it happens that the child receives enough attention, but it does not satisfy him due to the exaggerated need for emotional contacts. Excessive demands on adults are made not by neglected children, but, on the contrary, by the most spoiled children. Such a child will seek attention, even breaking the rules of behavior. (“It’s better to be scolded than not noticed”). The task of adults is to do without lectures and edifications, make comments as less emotionally as possible, not pay attention to minor offenses and punish for major ones (say, by refusing a planned trip to the circus). This is much more difficult for an adult than caring for an anxious child.
If for a child with high anxiety the main problem is the constant disapproval of adults, then for a demonstrative child it is a lack of praise.
The third option is “escaping reality.” It is observed in cases where demonstrativeness in children is combined with anxiety. These children also have a strong need for attention to themselves, but they cannot realize it due to their anxiety. They are little noticeable, are afraid of causing disapproval with their behavior, and strive to fulfill the demands of adults. An unsatisfied need for attention leads to an increase in even greater passivity and invisibility, which complicates already insufficient contacts. When adults encourage children to be active, pay attention to the results of their educational activities and search for ways of creative self-realization, a relatively easy correction of their development is achieved.
Many parents wait with bated breath for the so-called adolescence in their children. For some, this transition from childhood to adulthood goes completely unnoticed, for others it becomes a real disaster. Until recently, obedient and calm child suddenly becomes “prickly”, irritable, and every now and then he comes into conflict with others. This often causes an ill-considered negative reaction from parents and teachers. Their mistake is that they try to subjugate the teenager to their will, and this only hardens him and pushes him away from adults. And this is the worst thing - it breaks a growing person, making him an insincere opportunist or still obedient until he completely loses his “I”. In girls, due to their more early development, this period is often associated with experiences of first love. If this love is not mutual, and in addition there is no understanding on the part of the parents, then the mental trauma inflicted during this period can ruin the girl’s entire future fate. Parents should always remember that their girl is no longer a child, but not yet an adult. Although the 13-14-year-old girl herself, feeling how quickly her height is increasing, her figure is changing, secondary sexual characteristics appear, already considers herself an adult and claims to be treated accordingly, to be independent and independent.
Adolescent independence is expressed mainly in the desire for emancipation from adults, freedom from their guardianship and control. Needing parents, their love and care, their opinion, they experience desire to be independent, equal in rights with them. How the relationship will develop during this difficult period for both parties depends mainly on the style of upbringing that has developed in the family, and the ability of the parents to rebuild - to accept the sense of adulthood of their child.
After a relatively calm junior school age adolescence seems turbulent and complex. Development at this stage, indeed, proceeds at a rapid pace, especially many changes are observed in terms of personality formation. And perhaps main feature teenager - personal instability. Opposite traits, aspirations, tendencies coexist and fight with each other, determining the inconsistency of the character and behavior of a growing child.
The main difficulties in communication and conflicts arise due to parental control over the teenager’s behavior, studies, choice of friends, etc. extreme, most unfavorable cases for a child’s development are strict, total control during authoritarian upbringing and an almost complete lack of control, when a teenager is left to his own devices, neglected. There are many intermediate options:
Parents regularly tell children what to do;
The child can express his opinion, but the parents do not listen to his voice when making a decision;
The child can make individual decisions himself, but must obtain the approval of the parents; parents and child have almost equal rights, making a decision;
The decision is often made by the child himself;
The child himself decides whether to obey parental decisions or not.
Let us dwell on the most common styles of family education, which determine the characteristics of a teenager’s relationship with his parents and his personal development.
Democratic parents value both independence and discipline in their child’s behavior. They themselves give him the right to be independent in some areas of his life; without infringing on his rights, they simultaneously require the fulfillment of duties. Control based on warm feelings and reasonable care, usually does not irritate the teenager too much; he often listens to explanations of why one thing should not be done and another should be done. The formation of adulthood in such relationships takes place without any special experiences or conflicts.
Authoritarian parents demand unquestioning obedience from a teenager and do not believe that they owe him an explanation for their instructions and prohibitions. They tightly control all areas of life, and they can do this not entirely correctly. Children in such families usually become withdrawn, and their communication with their parents is disrupted. Some teenagers go into conflict, but more often children of authoritarian parents adapt to the style family relations and become unsure of themselves and less independent.
The situation becomes more complicated if high demands and control are combined with an emotionally cold, rejecting attitude towards the child. A complete loss of contact is inevitable here. An even more difficult case is indifferent and cruel parents. Children from such families rarely treat people with trust, experience difficulties in communication, and are often cruel themselves, although they have a strong need for love.
The combination of an indifferent parental attitude with a lack of control - hypoprotection - is also an unfavorable option for family relationships. Teenagers are allowed to do whatever they want; no one is interested in their affairs. Behavior becomes uncontrollable. And teenagers, no matter how much they rebel sometimes, need their parents as support; they need to see a model of adult, responsible behavior that they can follow.
Overprotection - excessive care for a child, excessive control over his entire life, based on close emotional contact - leads to passivity, lack of independence, and difficulties in communicating with peers.
Difficulties also arise when parents have high expectations, which the child is not able to justify. With parents who have inadequate expectations, in adolescence spiritual intimacy is usually lost. The teenager wants to decide for himself what he needs and rebels, rejecting demands that are alien to him.
Dependence of relationships on parents’ feelings towards the child and features of control over his behavior
family education self-esteem psychological
Conflicts arise when parents treat a teenager as small child and with inconsistency of requirements, when he is expected to be either childish obedience or adult independence. Often the source of conflict becomes appearance teenager Parents are not satisfied with either fashion or prices for things that their child needs so much. And a teenager, considering himself a unique person, at the same time strives to be no different from his peers. A stumbling block in many families can be the question: until what hour can a teenager walk in the evening? Or parents think that it is too early for a girl to date a boy, etc. the slight vulnerability of this “adult” child requires patient clarification from the parents. But in no case moralizing or lecturing! A teenager wants adults to take his opinion into account and respect his views. Treating yourself as small will offend a teenager. That is why petty care and excessive control are unacceptable on the part of parents. Words of persuasion, advice or requests that parents address to a teenager as equals have a faster impact.
There are 4 ways to support conflict situations:
Avoiding the problem (purely business communication)
Peace at any cost (for an adult, the relationship with a child is most valuable). By turning a blind eye to negative actions, an adult does not help the teenager, but on the contrary, encourages negative forms child's behavior.
Victory at any cost (an adult strives to win, trying to suppress unnecessary forms of child behavior. If he loses in one thing, he will strive to win in another. This situation is endless.
Productive (compromise option). This option assumes partial victory in both camps. We definitely need to go towards this together, i.e. it must be the result of a joint decision.
In adolescence, intimate and personal communication is very important. Trust, respect, understanding, love - what should be present in relationships with parents
To achieve educational goals in the family, parents turn to a variety of means of influence: they encourage and punish the child, they strive to become a model for him. As a result of the reasonable use of incentives, the development of children as individuals can be accelerated and made more successful than when using prohibitions and punishments. If the need for punishment nevertheless arises, then in order to enhance the educational effect, punishments, if possible, should follow directly after the offense that deserves them. Punishment should be fair, but not cruel. Very severe punishment can make a child afraid or angry. Punishment is more effective if the offense for which he is punished is reasonably explained to him. Any physical impact forms in the child the belief that he, too, can act by force when something does not suit him.
With the arrival of a second child, the privileges of an older sibling are usually limited. The older child is now forced, often unsuccessfully, to regain parental attention, which is usually directed to a greater extent to younger children.
Specific conditions for upbringing develop in a so-called single-parent family, where one of the parents is absent. Boys perceive the absence of a father in the family much more acutely than girls; Without fathers, they are often quarrelsome and restless.
Family breakdown negatively affects the relationship between parents and children, especially between mothers and sons. Due to the fact that parents themselves experience a disturbance of mental balance, they usually lack the strength to help their children cope with the problems that have arisen just at that moment in life when they especially need their love and support.
After their parents divorce, boys often become uncontrollable, lose self-control, and at the same time show increased anxiety. These character traits Behaviors are especially noticeable during the first months of life after divorce, and by two years after it they smooth out. The same pattern, but with less pronounced negative symptoms, is observed in the behavior of girls after their parents’ divorce.
Thus, in order to maximize the positive and minimize the negative influence of the family on the upbringing of a child, it is necessary to remember intra-family psychological factors that have educational significance:
Take an active part in family life;
Always find time to talk with your child;
Take an interest in the child’s problems, delve into all the difficulties that arise in his life and help develop his skills and talents;
Do not put any pressure on the child, thereby helping him make his own decisions;
Have an understanding of the different stages in a child's life;
Respect the child’s right to his own opinion;
Be able to restrain possessive instincts and treat the child as an equal partner who simply has less life experience;
Respect the desire of all other family members to pursue a career and improve themselves.
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A child's illness always causes concern among parents. Especially if he gets sick often. The “What are we doing wrong” light immediately turns on, vitamins, medicines and consultations are purchased from the best pediatricians.
And it happens that the correct treatment was prescribed, and everyone followed the recommendations, but the causes of the disease were never found.
There are diseases that, alas, do not depend on either the parents or the child. But a person is a rather complex creature, and the state of health largely depends on our emotions, and children's health- from how his parents raise him.
Arina Pokrovskaya, a child analyst and psychologist, talks about how family influences children's health.
Child psychosomatics: working with parents for the child’s health
There are two different concepts in the issue of psychosomatics: there is a psychosomatic personality, and there is a sometimes sick person (child).
A psychosomatic personality is a person, a child with a specifically organized psyche, namely, one who reacts to mental stress primarily with body reactions.
Such a child often grows into a person who has difficulty understanding the nature of feelings, who cannot understand what he is feeling, and who is unable to express feelings in words. That is why he has to resolve conflicts through his body, straining it in attempts to endure everything without the help of words...
And this becomes the main way - then it is precisely the psychosomatic personality.
It can be difficult and time-consuming for a psychologist to work with such an adult. At least 3-5 years are needed for a person to be able to act not in the way he was forced from infancy (!) and all these years, but differently, in his own interests and for his own benefit.
If we mean a child who is simply occasionally sick, then we can allow ourselves to look only at the symptom itself. Everything around the symptom can be very good - relationships in the parent couple, expressions of feelings and conversations with the child, respect for him, respect for himself and a generally rich emotional life.
But then where does the symptom come from? Where the tension around the situation came from. We look at the situation: when is the child sick? How does this affect him and everyone around him? Who feels and shows themselves in interactions? What does the disease hinder and what does it help?
All this is generally normal, all children and adults sometimes get sick, because we are imperfect and cannot always be in full awareness, living everything mentally, noticing all our hidden motives and diving into the unconscious, like into a swimming pool in the country. Easy and safe)
It doesn't happen that way. Our body can take on some of our difficulties, and we can gratefully use this help.
We may worry, seek treatment from a doctor and/or a psychoanalyst if a symptom or illness seriously disrupts our plans, undermines our confidence and self-esteem, undermines family relationships or the possibility of professional fulfillment.
Let's continue about children:
If we're talking about about a chronic symptom in a child, the symptom is usually embedded in the needs of the family. Of course, unconscious.
When we allow ourselves to talk about it out loud, parents feel a tremendous sense of guilt. It is difficult and scary to realize your aggression and helplessness to change anything right now.
Psychosomatics is an old concept; the term itself was voiced in early XIX century.
“The brain cries, and tears go to the heart, liver, stomach...” wrote the famous Russian scientist, doctor and psychologist Alexander Luria.
Sigmund Freud wrote: “If we drive a problem out the door, it comes out the window in the form of a symptom.”
In 1950, the American psychoanalyst Franz Alexander gave a list of seven classic psychosomatic diseases: essential hypertension, peptic ulcer stomach and duodenum, rheumatoid arthritis, hyperthyroidism (thyrotoxicosis), bronchial asthma, ulcerative colitis and neurodermatitis.
This was the beginning of the study of the interaction between the mind and the body, its symptoms and diseases.
Family influence
We now know that most psychosomatic disorders in children are associated family style education, namely:
- The family does not encourage the expression of emotions - “you can’t say it.”
- Painful emotions are not supported - “our children do not have jealousy,” “we do not have aggression at home.”
- Education is aimed at suppressing emotions - “calm down!”, “it doesn’t matter.”
- Parents’ inability to recognize the disease early - “Why are you crying, you’ll go to bed now!”, “He’s being capricious today.”
- Inability to verbally resolve conflicts in the family - “I won’t talk about it,” “don’t talk to me in that tone.”
- Hyperprotection, or emotional detachment of the parent - “don’t run, you’ll fall”, “why are you yelling, nothing happened.”
- There are many moral or religious prohibitions - “this is not good”, “you shouldn’t be angry”, “ask for forgiveness”, “don’t be greedy”.
- It can be difficult for us to remember or learn for ourselves, as if anew, that we are all born greedy, envious, selfish babies. And that's okay.
- Or we may not remember and “not know” that almost all babies experience fear, horror, anxiety, rage, the desire to devour, and a host of destructive impulses.
- We also usually do not remember that sexual impulses and the desire to receive pleasure from our bodies are normal both for infants and for children two, three and older.
No, many parents say, not our child. He doesn't have all this crap. Not with him. We are good parents. Don't tell us about it, we won't stand it.
Then the child “endures” it. Takes upon itself the burden of adults and transforms it into serious or chronic somatics (symptoms of illness), for the above reasons, expressing its tension with the body rather than the psyche.
Firstly, he has such an example before his eyes.
Secondly, the most important people in the world expect this from him.
Thirdly, these important people - parents, may, for their own reasons, simply not be able to tolerate the emotional part of the child’s reactions or their own.
Many parents find it difficult to tolerate both their own and their children’s feelings. These feelings can be almost any, in my work experience they are most often: anger, hatred, malice, horror, anxiety and fear, sexual arousal and, with a strong merger, other feelings, unlike the feelings of the parent at that moment. Those. even joy, delight and others seem to be “positive”.
If the parents of such a child come to me, they receive support.
This is the first thing, and this is extremely important, because any parent does this unconsciously out of dislike for the child. He simply cannot do otherwise, and even then, when the work is already underway and the parent sees and notices what exactly he is doing with the child, how he is influencing him, then for some time he cannot stop.
Mothers often feel sad at this time, blame themselves and worry. Little by little, they already understand how they can endure strong and different feelings themselves, and how they can help a child with this, but so far they are just trying it in reality.
At this stage, the child's condition often improves or improves again.
When I talk about repeatedly improving a child's health, I mean that sometimes the first stage of improvement begins when the parent first arrives. And after the first meetings, when he was already able to trust and began to simply talk, dump, so to speak, without any processing yet, everything that had accumulated onto the analyst - then he feels liberated.
At this time, he goes home literally relieved, and during sessions we can remember all sorts of metaphors for emptying, which usually cause laughter and a thinning of the atmosphere...
In general, I like to joke at meetings - to take a break from diving into the depths, from suffering and chaos. See another layer, and understand that we are still alive, we are moving forward and there is hope, and there is good.
Promotion
In the future, the parent becomes more and more sensitive to his own emotions and the emotions of the child. He more often reveals his dissatisfaction and irritation in relation to what recently seemed to him “normal” (i.e. “nothing” due to the power of suppression). The parent better understands himself, his spouse, and some aspects of his childhood experience.
And attempts begin to integrate new, emotional things into the life of the family. Conflicts and rapprochement occur, sometimes the parent himself falls ill, unable to cope with the tension, then recovers and continues to speak and feel.
Often during this period, the mother or both parents discover previously abandoned interests and new needs for the couple.
I always recommend paying attention to the latter, because the child should not be the center of the universe in the family, this is too much for him. The child grows and develops normally in the light of the love of the parents, who at this moment are not at all parents to each other, but husband and wife, man and woman first and foremost.
Therefore, all sorts of sayings, when a wife says to the child’s father: “Dad!”, and he calls her “Mom,” help kill love and attraction in a marriage, having a toxic effect on the magic of the couple.
From this note one can understand some of the specifics of the analyst’s work with a parent or family whose child is chronically ill.
If I described working only with a child or the whole family, this would be a different note, although it would be possible to repeat something.
But now it is rare that the entire family is ready to regularly visit the analyst in the office, and it is easier for the family in terms of time and budget when one parent, usually the mother, takes on this work.
In terms of duration, we can assume that psychotherapy will take from 6 months in the most favorable scenario to 2 years, if our main goal is recovery or alleviation of the child’s condition.
There are also my limitations - I work with children from 4 years old. Therefore, to help with illnesses in infants and children under 4 years old, I usually offer work through parents. I can also recommend the help of colleagues who work with the mother-infant dyad or with the child himself with early age.
In general, in working to help a child, if we work with a parent, there is one common difficulty: in our sessions with the parent, a third person will be present - the child, and we will try to influence him and his condition, although he is not in the office.
What helps here is that it can be discussed, and relationships with the child's symptom and the influence of the parent can be shown, and the age of the child can be used. Namely, that children up to a certain age not only depend on their parents, but are also ready to sensitively respond with their condition to what the parent thinks, says and does. And the common or contiguous mental space of the parent and child makes such an influence possible.
And we have the opportunity to set up this influence to help children and families.
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The influence of the family on a child's development cannot be overestimated. For every person, the family is the place of birth and the main habitat. In it he gains experience that he will retain for the rest of his life. In terms of the duration and degree of its impact on the individual, no other educational institution can compare with the family, because the child is surrounded by the closest people for a significant part of his life. Here the foundations of a person’s personality are laid, his physical and spiritual development occurs.
The main manifestations of family influence on the child
Each individual family has a certain moral and psychological climate. In the family, a child learns relationships between people, gains ideas about good and evil, decency, and learns respect for material and spiritual values. Family influence on the child is exercised and manifested as follows:
- The family gives the child a sense of security, providing him with safety when interacting with the outside world, while mastering new ways of exploring and responding to it.
- Children adopt certain methods and ready-made models of behavior from their parents.
- Parents are a source of necessary life experience for children.
- The influence of the family on the child also extends to his behavior in society; parents can encourage or condemn a certain type of child behavior, apply punishment or allow an acceptable degree of freedom.
- In the course of communication in the family, the child develops his own views, attitudes, norms and ideas.
In general, the development of a small person depends on how much good conditions for communication he has in the circle of people closest to him. The influence of the family on the development of the child is determined, among other things, by the degree of clarity and clarity of communication between all members of this special kind of team. At the same time, the family can be both positive and negative factor education. No other social institution can potentially cause as much harm to the development of the individual as the family can. At the same time, the relationship between spouses has a huge influence on the development of the baby’s personality. Friction between parents traumatizes the child’s psyche, and the family in which the child grew up will become a model for the family he forms in the future.
Parents are not born, they are made. This is a natural law of life, and the starting point for personal development is family life and relationships in it. Of course, a thinking and feeling parent understands the needs of his baby on various levels. Next, the child, having become an adult, transfers to his children what he sees in his own family. Thus, the influence of the family on the child is such that all the stereotypes, styles and manner of communication, vision of the world and the people around them are laid down in it. Here the little person gets his first life experience, makes his first observations and learns how to behave in various situations.
Father's influence on child
The child needs loving father and mother equally. But the style of interaction with young children differs between women and men. If the mother communicates most of the time with the baby while caring for him, then the father interacts with him during the game, which has a direct impact on his mental development. Games between father and child are usually energetic, unpredictable, involving fuss and confusion. In them, children like the manifestation of physical strength and spontaneity; they contribute to the formation of a reaction to possible danger, the ability to make the right decision in difficult situations, remove nervous tension and charged with positive emotions.
From the first months, dads play differently with boys and girls. Thus, under the influence of the father on the child, his gender self-identity begins to form. The father is an important role model; he teaches the boy to be a man, instilling in him typically masculine character traits. Whereas a girl develops an idea of how men treat women based on the example of the relationship between her father and mother. A good relationship with her dad they give the girl confidence in her attractiveness and charm; by communicating with him, she learns to understand male nature.
Mother and child
The influence of the mother on the child is, of course, enormous. A special bond is established between mother and child emotional connection. In the first year of life, the mother is the baby’s whole world; she is his main teacher and educator. It is the relationship between mother and child, from the first day of his life, that largely determines his subsequent development. At the same time, it is important that the mother not only praise, but also punish, explaining to the baby what is good and what is bad. Proper education should have a mixed character, combining love, affection and severity.
From a very early age, the influence of the mother on the child is very great and has great value. A woman should be able to put a number of life principles, including respect for the role of the mother in the life of every person. This will only be possible if she can balance punishment and reward harmoniously. Then, in adolescence and even in adulthood, the family influence on the child will remain quite strong and will be positive. A mother can act as a mentor and advisor, to whom you can come for help in difficult times at any age. To do this, she needs to learn the ability to understand and listen to her child in order to establish close contact with him. Only in this way can she instill in him morality, character and a good outlook on the world.
It is not true that the family only influences the development of the child, and adults are not subject to this influence. The importance of such a social institution as the family cannot be overestimated even in adulthood. How does family influence a person’s life and attitude?
Family aspects
The existence of the family is determined by the need of people for reproduction - both physical and mental. The following aspects of the family are distinguished:
- Biological aspect: parents and children.
- Family as one of the social institutions, which is characterized by its social norms, patterns of behavior, rights, responsibilities, sanctions. All these norms are designed to effectively regulate family relationships.
- Economic aspect family: a family unit bound by economic interest (family budget).
- Territorial aspect family: an association of people living together.
Social functions of the family
In different historical eras and in different types societies, certain functions of the family came to the fore. It would seem that today's family has already lost some of the functions that it had in the past, for example, security and production. However, it retained some of its functions. Probably, this is exactly what did not give and does not give to the family as social institution die, which some scientists predicted.
- Reproductive function. The problem of childbirth is one of the main problems in the family. Psychologists recognize that the strength of the family and marital love largely determine sexual relations. On how harmonious it will be this area, the future of the family and the climate within it will depend.
- Regenerative. Associated with inheritance - surname, status, social status and, of course, property. Even when your grandmother gives you family earrings or an album with old photographs, all this will be a manifestation of the regenerative function of the family.
- Socialization function(or educational and upbringing). Satisfying the needs of men and women in fatherhood and motherhood, raising children, self-realization of parents in children.
- Economic. Everything related to budget and daily activities: food, purchases and maintenance of various property, purchasing clothes, organizing life and everyday life, etc.
- Social control. In a family, certain norms (regulations) are established for the relations between its members, the behavior of children and parents, their responsibilities to each other, as well as responsibilities to the older generation.
- Recreational function. Rest, organization of leisure and entertainment, caring for the health of family members.
- Function of spiritual communication, mutual enrichment and development.
- Status. Allows you to provide family members with a certain status in society (mother, wife, father, husband).
- Psychotherapeutic function. Support, advice and approval from our family is extremely important to us. This function has begun to occupy one of the first positions in our time. Today, the future of the family depends on the stability of positive emotional relationships within the family.
Thus, for any adult, family is very important. It allows you to satisfy a number of individual needs. This is a small team that places varied and often very complex demands on its members.
