Practical psychology for every day to read. Kozlov N.I. “How to treat yourself and people, or Practical psychology for every day

Nikolay Kozlov

How to treat yourself and people

Fourth edition, revised and expanded

Dedicated to my father

INSTEAD OF A FOREWORD

Three stories are like three strokes, like three chords. Let the Book begin with these three stories: perhaps they will introduce some aspects of its content and tone better than any long introduction?

When I was 26 years old, I worked in a pioneer camp as the leader of an aircraft modeling circle. During shift change, I climbed into the carpentry workshop to circular saw make slats. The block broke and the hand flew across the screeching disk. Further - in slow motion: I see something bloody dangling below the palm, the fingers are almost completely cut off. I remember my first thoughts well: “I cut it off. What did I lose? - I lost my guitar, typewriter and karate. (By the way, I was mistaken - I only lost my guitar). Is it worth living with these losses? - It’s worth it.” He drew the line: “So, we must continue to live happily.” He looked to see if the severed fingers were lying around, took the cut hand in the other, outlined how to walk and carefully, calmly walked, trying not to lose consciousness. I walk along the road to the camp car and shout in a loud but calm voice: “Come to me! Help! I cut my hand!” He approached, lay down on the grass and gave clear instructions to those running up: “Two plastic bags and ice - quickly!" (to pack my hand in the cold - I was hoping for a microsurgical operation). "To Moscow - quickly!" On the way I sang songs, this distracted both me and those accompanying me... Microsurgery was not enough for me, but the doctors sewed almost everyone. According to my impressions, the calmest and most sensible person in this situation (except, of course, the doctors) was me.

Keys to the apartment

Heroes next story We met at my club five years ago. One day in class I developed one of my favorite theses: that any two people can start a family, provided they have the desire and do not have pronounced physical and moral defects. Love (or rather, falling in love) can either help or hinder them, and, in principle, is not necessary. We discuss, argue, my arguments sound convincing.

And suddenly... Zhenya K. takes the keys out of his pocket, raises them for everyone to see and announces: “I agree with N.I., but I would like to check this. Girls! These are the keys to my apartment. Who wants to become my wife? Anyone !"

In response, tense silence. I was also a little taken aback: conversations are conversations, and then a man offers the keys to the apartment... But I’m also interested, I ask: “Girls, is there anyone interested?” And suddenly... Olya S. raises her hand and says: “I agree.”

We then discussed for a long time - we all agreed that until that moment there had been no “special” relationship between them: ordinary, good, like with everyone else.

There is nothing to do: I cheerfully announce that a new family has been born in our club. Everyone congratulates Olya and Zhenya. Here they discussed how they should live now, or rather learn to live as a family. What made the situation easier was that Zhenya had studio apartment.

But important condition: for various reasons, we agreed on a ban on sex for the duration of the experiment. Olya and Zhenya left class together, came to the next class together... We don’t question them, because they are calm and smiling. A month later they came to me and said that they had already submitted an application. As Olga explained: “You know, we family life I liked it very much. We don’t have any conflicts: we’ve played so many of them at the Club that we have no desire to do it at home. True, we violated one condition: after two weeks, Zhenya stopped going to the kitchen at night. I have a feeling that we simply opened our soul valves, and all the love that we carried within ourselves was simply splashed out on each other. We love each other so much!"

Now they already have a daughter. They live well.

Allochka and glasses

And then the doorbell rang. What's happened? Angry neighbors burst in from the bottom floor, it turns out we flooded them, but they just did major renovation. We filled the bathroom, part of the kitchen, the hallway, and even the corner of the bedroom, which they had just covered with imported wallpaper. The neighbors are indignant, the wife is crying. They demand money for repairs, there is no need to argue. I give the money (from the salary I just received), my wife cries even louder. The neighbors leave cursing. I see them off, return to my wife and say: “That’s it, this issue is no longer discussed. We’ll take the glasses for you.” Why? Because the person feels bad. And he should feel good.

Now let's get acquainted.

Hello!

My name is Nikolai Ivanovich, I’m 33 years old (in my heart I feel like I’m 19 years old), I’m a psychologist and a husband (my wife calls me Sunny). My wife's name is Alla (my name is "Miracle"). We have two sons - Vanya and Sasha, the same age. Outwardly, they are very similar to each other, both are lively and energetic, but Vanya is tough, and Shurik is a sweetheart. Vanya is closer to me, Sasha is closer to Allochka. At work, I lead psychological groups, give lectures, and consult. I love my job and can hardly imagine life without it. It’s nice to listen to confessions and feel that, even if not right away, you can help a person. Seeing people straighten their shoulders and open their eyes after your work is a great happiness. The Youth Club occupies a significant place in my life and in this book, but more on that later. I will only say that without this my book would never have been written.

In this regard, I apologize to those authors whose thoughts and images I used in one way or another, without always referring to them. I was constantly afraid that if I made references to every sensible statement, the whole book would be full of notes: “Collective intelligence.” I did not write for specialist psychologists, and everyone else is of little concern about the problem of authorship.

True, I have not referred to one person so often that I need to name him right away: Arkady Petrovich Egides, psychologist, psychotherapist, specialist in family and sexology. Actually, it was thanks to him that I began to develop as a practicing psychologist.

And one last thing. To be precise, under this cover lie four separate books, completely different not only in theme and content, but also in style, tone, and language.

Part 1. Secrets of family communication

What makes people family

How to treat yourself and people, or practical psychology for every day

Nikolay Kozlov

Instead of a preface

Injury

He looked to see if the severed fingers were lying around, took the cut hand in the other, outlined how to walk and carefully, calmly walked, trying not to lose consciousness. I walk along the road to the camp car and shout in a loud but calm voice: “Come to me! Help! I cut my hand!” He came up, lay down on the grass and gave clear instructions to those running up: “Two plastic bags and ice - quickly.”

(to pack my hand in the cold - I was hoping for microsurgery).

"To Moscow - quickly!" On the way, I sang songs, this distracted both me and those accompanying me... Microsurgery was not enough for me, but the doctors sewed almost everything back on.

In my impressions, the calmest and most sensible person in this situation (except, of course, the doctors) was me.

Keys to the apartment

And suddenly... Zhenya K. takes the keys out of his pocket, raises them for everyone to see and announces: “I agree with N.I., but I would like to check it.

Girls! These are the keys to my apartment. Who wants to be my wife? Any!"

And suddenly... Olya S. raises her hand and says: “I agree.”

We then discussed for a long time - we all agreed that until that moment there had been no “special” relationship between them: ordinary, good, like with everyone else.

There is nothing to do: I cheerfully announce that a new family has been born in our club.

Everyone congratulates Olya and Zhenya. Here they discussed how they should live now, or rather learn to live as a family. What made the situation easier was that Zhenya had a one-room apartment.

But an important condition: for various reasons, we agreed on a ban on sex for the duration of the experiment. Olya and Zhenya left class together, came to the next class together... We don’t question them, because they are calm and smiling. A month later they came to me and said that they had already submitted an application. As Olga explained: “You know, we really liked family life. We don’t have any conflicts: we played so many of them at the Club that we have no desire to do it at home. However, we violated one condition: after two weeks, Zhenya stopped going out at night kitchen. I have a feeling that we just opened our soul valves, and all the love that we carried within ourselves, we simply splashed out on each other. We love each other so much! "

Now they already have a daughter. They live well.

Allochka and glasses

Anyone who wears glasses knows how difficult it was until recently to find good frames.

We spent a long time looking for a decent frame for my wife Allochka. Suddenly they bring us an Italian one, with large tinted windows, it looks great, but the price is high. No, we are not poor, but we are not millionaires either, that’s for sure. We walk around, think - and want, and itching...

And then the doorbell rang. What's happened? Angry neighbors burst in from the bottom floor, it turns out we flooded them, and they just did a major renovation. We filled the bathroom, part of the kitchen, the hallway, and even the corner of the bedroom, which they had just covered with imported wallpaper. The neighbors are indignant, the wife is crying. They demand money for repairs, there is no need to argue. I give the money (from the salary I just received), my wife cries even louder. The neighbors leave cursing. I see them off, return to my wife and say: “That’s it, this issue is no longer discussed. We’ll take the glasses for you.

Current page: 1 (book has 27 pages total) [available reading passage: 18 pages]

Nikolay Kozlov
How to treat yourself and people

Dedicated to my father

Instead of a preface

Injury

He looked to see if the severed fingers were lying around, took the cut hand in the other, outlined how to walk, and carefully, calmly walked, trying not to lose consciousness. I walk along the road to the camp car and shout in a loud but calm voice: “Come to me! For help! I cut my hand! He came up, lay down on the grass and gave clear instructions to those running up: “Two plastic bags and ice - quickly!” (to pack my hand in the cold - I was hoping for microsurgery). “To Moscow – quickly!” On the way, I sang songs, this distracted both me and those accompanying me... Microsurgery was not enough for me, but the doctors sewed almost everything back on.

In my impressions, the calmest and most sensible person in this situation (except, of course, the doctors) was me.

Keys to the apartment

And suddenly... Zhenya K. takes the keys out of his pocket, raises them for everyone to see and announces: “I agree with N.I., but I would like to check it. Girls! These are the keys to my apartment. Who wants to be my wife? Any!”

And suddenly... Olya S. raises her hand and says: “I agree.”

We then discussed for a long time - we all agreed that until that moment there had been no “special” relationship between them: ordinary, good, like with everyone else.

What made the situation easier was that Zhenya had a one-room apartment.

But an important condition: for various reasons, we agreed on a ban on sex for the duration of the experiment. Olya and Zhenya left class together, came to the next class together... We don’t question them, because they are calm and smiling. A month later they came to me and said that they had already submitted an application. As Olga explained: “You know, we really liked family life. We don’t have any conflicts: we’ve played so many of them at the Club that we have no desire to do it at home. True, we violated one condition: after two weeks, Zhenya stopped going to the kitchen at night. I have a feeling that we simply opened our soul valves, and all the love that we carried within ourselves was simply splashed out on each other. We love each other so much!”

Now they already have a daughter. They live well.

Allochka and glasses

Why? Because the person feels bad. And he should feel good.

Now let's get acquainted.

Hello!

My name is Nikolai Ivanovich, I 33 years (in my heart I feel like I’m 19 years old),

I don’t yet know that in 20 years I will become a professor and doctor of psychological sciences,

I am a psychologist and a husband (my wife calls me Sunny). My wife’s name is Alla (my name is “Miracle”).

I still don’t know that in many years we will meet as families, because people change, because Allochka will find her happiness, and thanks to her, I will find my love.

We have two sons - Vanya and Sasha, the same age. Outwardly, they are very similar to each other, both are lively and energetic, but Vanya is tough, and Shurik is a sweetheart. Vanya is closer to me, Sasha is closer to Allochka.

It is curious that after 20 years Vanya became softer, and Sasha was formed quite according to the leadership model. Vanya is now an excellent teacher, and Sasha is a very competent and professional psychologist. Who would have known!

At work, I lead psychological groups, give lectures, and consult. I love my job and can hardly imagine life without it. It’s nice to listen to confessions and feel that, even if not right away, you can help a person. Seeing people straighten their shoulders and open their eyes after your work is a great happiness. The Youth Club occupies a significant place in my life and in this book, but more on that later. Let me just say that without him my book would never have been written.

Then, 20 years ago, I didn’t even think that the youth club of practical psychology “Sinton” would turn into the largest training center “Sinton” in Russia, its trainings would include quality training more than 200,000 people, that the best practical psychologists in Russia will grow out of it. Then, in 1990, everything was just beginning, everything was still ahead!

About the book

I wrote the book seriously and cheerfully. It's fun because it's from the heart. Seriously, so that I don’t feel ashamed in front of people whom I respect and who still respected me.

I wrote an applied book, not a theoretical one; a popular book, not a scientific one.

In this regard, I apologize to those authors whose thoughts and images I used in one way or another, without always referring to them. I was constantly afraid that if I made references to every sensible statement, the whole book would be full of notes: “Collective intelligence.” I did not write for specialist psychologists, and everyone else is of little concern about the problem of authorship.

And one last thing. To be precise, under this cover lie four separate books, completely different not only in theme and content, but also in style, tone, and language.

Book 1
Wisdom in everyday contacts

Chapter 1
Secrets of family communication

What makes people family

As for proximity, here we're talking about about spiritual intimacy. People can be physically close, but their souls and hearts can be separated. In the same way, people can talk on the phone thousands of kilometers away, but a Meeting will take place, they will be closer to each other than ever.

How does normal family communication proceed? What brings people together?

"How are you?"

The usual question “How are you?” when meeting close people it can be anything.

In particular, it can be a meaningless greeting, an everyday ritual.

The military salutes when meeting, in the Middle Ages it was necessary to make 16 ritual jumps, but here it is the same formality - you have to say “How are you?” To this the interlocutor will also formally answer: “Fine.”

Neither one nor the other’s soul even flinched: there was a greeting, but the meeting did not happen.

Another “How are you?” may be a business matter: I need information and they give it to me. The person here is just a source of information for me, nothing more.

“Well, how are you?”, pronounced with the appropriate intonation, can be the beginning of a manipulation game: “Well, gotcha,” when the questioner is already sure in advance that there is something “wrong” here and is going to “punch” about it.

"Hello! How are you?" - may be the beginning of entertainment, with the subtext: “Tell me what you know that’s interesting.” Then a more or less entertaining chatter begins, in which people habitually pass the time. Well, and, of course, “How are you?” can become a moment of intimacy, live contact between people who love each other.

Probably all these types, forms of communication - rituals, entertainment, and business conversation- have the right to exist.

The only thing I'm not close to is manipulation games. Yes, I know people who feel good when others feel bad, but I don’t share this joy.

Another thing is that it is important that we always give each other what we need.

Let's say she's bored and wants to have fun, but he's all business and business... Not good. But on the other hand, suddenly he needs to talk seriously, but she keeps walking away from the conversation - giggling and giggling.

This will piss him off. Well, and, probably, the most difficult option is when one wants warmth, intimacy, and the other does not give it, replacing it in their communication with either light chatter, or meaningless and boring rituals, or, even more so, injections of manipulation...

Plus, we must take into account that communication is not only what is said in words. This is the language of actions, glances, touches, steps towards each other or away from...

In this regard, it is interesting to see what sex can mean for spouses. Indeed, can sex be just a ritual, a tradition for them? - Certainly. So, in many older couples who are no longer creative and not inclined to creativity, it becomes routine: when Saturday comes, they have dinner, take a shower, go to bed, and now they have traditional sexual intimacy. For some, sex may be fun on a rainy autumn day when there is nothing else to do. Can sex be a business procedure? Yes, for example, a serious procedure in conceiving children. Let's say the spouses have problems with this, they prepared for a long time, calculated the days, and now the spouse, according to all the rules, as it should, performs fertilization...

Unfortunately, sex can also be a manipulative game that ends, for example, with the wonderful phrase: “Will you buy me a fur coat?”

But, probably, people should strive to ensure that for them intimate relationships are, in the full sense of the word, a manifestation of intimacy, trust, a moment of meeting between two people who love each other.

How close are loved ones?

The experience of intimacy is deeply necessary, apparently, for every person, and everyone suffers from its absence. What prevents us from being close?

For real close person– this is the one who understands us. But understanding the Other is difficult, and I would call one of the first obstacles EGOCENTRISM, i.e. the inability or unwillingness to put oneself in the place of another person. In children, egocentrism is very pronounced, and anyone can be convinced of this by reproducing J. Piaget’s experiment with children 5–7 years old.

Children sit around round table, they are given everything they need for drawing, and there are 3 pyramids on the table: red, blue and green. The task is given: “Draw these pyramids!” Children complete this task without difficulty. "OK, thank you. And now, please, let Vanya draw the pyramids the way Masha sees them - she is sitting opposite you. Can you?” – Vanya, without a moment’s hesitation, takes colored pencils again and draws pyramids - exactly the same as the first time.

It still cannot occur to him that on the other side of the table, from a different point of view, the same pyramids will look different, and the red one, say, will no longer be on the left, but on the right...

Children grow up, but egocentrism remains. No, of course, now we already know that each person perceives the same situation in his own way, from his own point of view - but the problem is that we use this knowledge too rarely.

Here is a simple experiment that is often carried out in practice family counseling. A husband and wife arrive, but the husband is asked to wait in the corridor. The wife begins to vividly, in detail and figuratively tell how dishonestly and badly her husband behaves. Then the consultant turns to her with a request to describe the situation on behalf of her husband. You should have seen the bewilderment, difficulty and confusion on the wife’s face. Oh, how she doesn’t want to put herself in her husband’s place and look at the situation and herself through his eyes. “After all, your husband would probably talk about the same thing differently. Now we invite him - how will he talk about it? - Well, he’ll tell a story here. I’m telling you how everything really happened...” Her husband would show himself no better (and, most likely, worse) in a similar situation.

Try it yourself: remember the situation of your last domestic quarrel and try to describe the situation and yourself through the eyes of the person with whom you quarreled! It’s both difficult and you don’t want to, because you look unattractive.

The couple lived together for more than 10 years, they had already had big fights many times, but to put themselves in the place of the other, to look at the family through his eyes, to try to understand him - no, there was not enough time, or rather intelligence and mental strength, for this. Are you ready for such an experiment?

It is not at all difficult for those who do not swear, but listen to the opinion of another even in a quarrel. “I see the problem this way. And how are you?"

Here is another similar experiment that reveals mutual understanding between spouses and, by the way, helps to improve it. The spouses are given pieces of paper, and they must (each separately from each other) complete the unfinished sentences. Which? – For example, the phrase “What I value most in you...” is suggested - and you need to add 5-10 points, for example: decency, sense of humor, justice, your salary, love for me, tolerance... Everyone writes what is important to them.

If a couple has a dysfunctional relationship, they are usually offered the following phrases:

– I am often irritated by you... (they write quickly and energetically. “Can you have more than 10 points?”).

– I want you to... (they also write without difficulty).

– What I value in you... (This is already much more complicated. “Can we have less than 5 points?” It feels like they are remembering something: apparently, what they valued in each other before. But it’s a useful question, isn’t it?)

– He doesn’t like me... He wants me... He appreciates me... (all these points go with great difficulty, people begin to look at each other with intense interest, as if for the first time...).

But we must warn you that you cannot, for example, write something like “What irritates me about you is that you are selfish.”

What does this mean? The fact that the husband likes to watch TV and not do homework with his son or does nothing around the house? (Or: “What will he eat in the morning and not wash the dishes after himself?”) Then please write that. Otherwise, what you wrote is incomprehensible, but it can hurt someone else.

No one has yet canceled the old rule: “You cannot criticize a person; you can only criticize (naturally, kindly and constructively) his actions.”

Now, after this condition is met, the spouses can exchange pieces of paper and discuss what was written. Typically this causes keen interest and strong emotions. Many things become discoveries for them, and if the discussion is directed in a constructive direction, it gives a lot for both.

It is clear that similar experiments can be carried out not only in family consultation and not necessarily in writing. In some simpler and more flexible form, all this can happen as part of a normal conversation between spouses.

For example, in the evening my wife and I are walking, and among other conversations we can play this game:

– Let me tell you fortune! You value me most... (And if I forget something, my wife will remind me, and I will be pleased. If I name something and meet my wife’s surprised eyes, there will be something to discuss.)

– You want me to “do more work with the children” - I want that myself. “I went on business trips less often” - and I want the same, but that’s where I earn money, and money is always needed. (And to some things I will answer: “No, I have my own plans.”)

“What you don’t like about me and is often annoying is that... (you must accept as immutable that in almost any, even the most prosperous and loving couple, there is always something that the other does not like. There is no need to make a secret or a problem out of this.” Yes, you don’t like something about me. I don’t like this about myself, but I can’t help it. Second: you don’t like something about me. I’m struggling with this and asking for your help. And the fact that you if this and that irritates you – these are your problems, let’s deal with your irritation.”)

If such conversations become family tradition, the spouses will never be bored, and mental alienation will hardly threaten them.

Of course, all this assumes that the spouses know how to talk about such topics and simply listen to each other.

Soul, open up! - Nope...

Not every couple can have sincere, frank conversations. They require high spiritual culture, a willingness to open up to oneself and listen to others.

Or a husband wants to talk to his wife, seek advice, but she rattles pots, and he sees that she only cares about porridge... Everything is clear, no one is going to judge her, but the result will be the same - the husband will stop sharing anything with her.

It is even more difficult when one of the spouses is generally not talkative and is not inclined to be frank. More often it is the husband. Tugging at him: “Come on, tell me!” - stupid and pointless. It’s better to feed him after work (it’s good to sit in front of him and look at him quietly, lovingly, without pestering him), let him rest, then sit next to him, cuddle and let him know that you’re interested in everything... “Are you tired today? It's been a rough day, hasn't it? Rarely does a husband mutter after this, more often he begins to talk. Well, if he begins to share, you need to give all your attention to him, bow your head, nod, assent - and God forbid you object to him or give advice (“Be more careful next time!”), make comments for his mistakes (“What are you doing?” did you miss it, dumbass?"). Moreover, you cannot use the information that was entrusted to you against him. It opened - you hit it. Will it open another time? - No.

One family I know is an Old Believer believer; a husband and wife confess to each other there. I keep thinking: how many families could decide to do this? And what would this lead to?

It is understandable that people are afraid to open up. You yourself can feel the problems behind this with your whole skin by doing this thought experiment.

Imagine that your entire, at least conscious, life was captured on film: a film was made about your life. Moreover, not only are all external events there - what you did, where you went, with whom you talked about what - the film also captures all your thoughts and feelings.

It's interesting that, in a sense, such films about everyone's life exist. When neurosurgeons performed operations on the brain and irritated its deep structures through implanted electrodes, a variety of pieces and episodes of his life, starting from early childhood, suddenly began to float before a person’s eyes, as if on a screen. It turns out that a person never forgets anything, and everything that he has ever seen, heard, perceived - everything is recorded, as it were, on a small internal video recorder.

Now imagine that scientists strained themselves and managed to rewrite the film from this internal tape recorder onto a regular VCR tape. And now on your shelf at home there are cassettes with video films: the video film “The Life of a Wife” (and there is everything that she thought and thinks about you), “The Life of a Husband”, “The Life of a Child”...

Interesting remarks can come from such a family: “Put my life back on the shelf immediately!”

Question: Do you agree to show your film (entirely, without cuts!) to your wife if she wishes?...

By the way, what about the child? Would you like to watch your wife's film (and then know everything about her)? A child's film? Do you think your wife would like to watch your film? Shall I show you mine? Why?

The only point on which there is unanimity in most families is that everyone would like to see the child’s film and everyone objects to the child seeing the parents’ film 1
However, my circle of friends in this place are indignant, surprised and also unanimously claim that this is not fair about them. I want to believe.

When it comes to husband-wife relationships, the answers are very different. There are no strict statistics, but, as a rule, the picture is as follows.

A small part of those surveyed are simply confused and find it difficult to decide – should I show? No? let me see? not give? – and they don’t give definite answers.

Many people firmly say that none of this is needed. I won’t show mine, and I don’t want to watch it. No need.

Apparently, their life-tested slogan is: “The less you know, the better you sleep.”

Soul, open up!

A significant part (also, as a rule, decisively and categorically) says this: “I won’t show you my own, but I’d like to see his: you have to be in the know!”

The minority (for some reason, more often people are quiet and a little sad, more often women) answer differently: “I’ll show you what’s there, but I’m afraid to look at it. For now we’re living normally, but if I see something wrong there... No, don’t.”

And very few give unexpected reactions. They are simply surprised: “What do films have to do with it? In our family, even without films, we know everything about each other. I am aware of everything that he had and still has. What is in my life and in my soul - I tell him. We have no secrets from each other."

There are all these families in life. They are very different.

But the question arises: “Which ones are the strongest?” I would like to answer that the strongest families are those with the greatest frankness. Alas, this is not true.

Observations show that both open and “closed” families break up with approximately equal probability.

In one family, the spouses were frank, frank, and were so frank that they had to separate. You can only open up completely with completely mentally healthy people - how many of them do you know?

And another family lives simply: the husband brings money, does not go out, the wife runs the house, raises the children, loves her husband. This is how they live: without any unnecessary frank conversations. No one is especially interested in who thinks what, what they feel, and no one says anything unnecessary.

And everything is fine, the family is good and strong.

But another question can be posed: “And if there are two equally strong families, but one accepts frank, intimate conversations, and the other does not, which family will have more closeness, warmth, love, happiness?” Here we can already say with greater confidence - rather, in the one where the spouses are open to each other. Openness and frankness gives understanding and intimacy, and without understanding and intimacy it is difficult to imagine love and true happiness.

The frequency of repetition does not erase the truth: “Happiness is when you are understood.”

Strong and happy families are not the same thing. There are strong families, but without warmth and happiness, and there are happy ones, but fragile. Certainly, perfect option: build strong relationships in the family and, on their basis, cultivate an atmosphere of warm, trusting communication. There is no shame in inviting both love and happiness into such a family.

One way or another, everyone will agree that trust in a family is a great value, it must be created and protected.

HOW TO TREAT YOURSELF AND PEOPLE, OR PRACTICAL PSYCHOLOGY FOR EVERY DAY

Nikolay KOZLOV

Dedicated to my father

Instead of a preface

When I was 26 years old, I worked in a pioneer camp as the leader of an aircraft modeling circle. During the shift change, I climbed into the carpentry workshop to make slats on a circular saw. The block broke and the hand flew across the screeching disk. Further - in slow motion: I see something bloody dangling below the palm, the fingers are almost completely cut off. I remember my first thoughts well: “I cut it off. What did I lose? - I lost my guitar, typewriter and karate. (By the way, I was mistaken - I only lost my guitar). Is it worth living with these losses? - Worth it." continue to live happily."
He looked to see if the severed fingers were lying around, took the cut hand in the other, outlined how to walk and carefully, calmly walked, trying not to lose consciousness. I walk along the road to the camp car and shout in a loud but calm voice: “Come to me! Help! I cut my hand!” He came up, lay down on the grass and gave clear instructions to those running up: “Two plastic bags and ice - quickly.”
(to pack my hand in the cold - I was hoping for microsurgery).
"To Moscow - quickly!" On the way, I sang songs, this distracted both me and those accompanying me... Microsurgery was not enough for me, but the doctors sewed almost everything back on.
In my impressions, the calmest and most sensible person in this situation (except, of course, the doctors) was me.

Keys to the apartment

The heroes of the following story met at my club five years ago. One day in class I developed one of my favorite theses: that any two people can start a family, provided they have the desire and do not have pronounced physical and moral defects. Love can either help or hinder them, and in principle is not obligatory. We discuss, argue, my arguments sound convincing.
And suddenly... Zhenya K. takes the keys out of his pocket, raises them for everyone to see and announces: “I agree with N.I., but I would like to check it.
Girls! These are the keys to my apartment. Who wants to be my wife? Any!"
In response, tense silence. I was also a little taken aback: conversations are conversations, and then a man offers the keys to the apartment... But I’m also interested, I ask: “Girls, is there anyone interested?”
And suddenly... Olya S. raises her hand and says: “I agree.”
We then discussed for a long time - we all agreed that until that moment there had been no “special” relationship between them: ordinary, good, like with everyone else.
There is nothing to do: I cheerfully announce that a new family has been born in our club.
Everyone congratulates Olya and Zhenya. Here they discussed how they should live now, or rather learn to live as a family. What made the situation easier was that Zhenya had a one-room apartment.
But an important condition: for various reasons, we agreed on a ban on sex for the duration of the experiment. Olya and Zhenya left class together, came to the next class together... We don’t question them because they are calm and smiling. A month later they came to me and said that they had already submitted an application. As Olga explained: “You know, we really liked family life. We don’t have any conflicts: we played so many of them at the Club that we have no desire to do it at home. However, we violated one condition: after two weeks, Zhenya stopped going out at night kitchen. I have a feeling that we just opened our soul valves, and all the love that we carried within ourselves, we simply splashed out on each other. We love each other so much! "
Now they already have a daughter. They live well.

Allochka and glasses

Anyone who wears glasses knows how difficult it was until recently to find good frames.
We spent a long time looking for a decent frame for my wife Allochka. Suddenly they bring us an Italian one, with large tinted windows, it looks great, but the price is high. No, we are not poor, but we are not millionaires either, that’s for sure. We walk around, we think - and we feel like it, and it pricks us...
And then the doorbell rang. What's happened? Angry neighbors burst in from the bottom floor, it turns out we flooded them, and they just did a major renovation. We filled the bathroom, part of the kitchen, the hallway, and even the corner of the bedroom, which they had just covered with imported wallpaper. The neighbors are indignant, the wife is crying. They demand money for repairs, there is no need to argue. I give the money (from the salary I just received), my wife cries even louder. The neighbors leave cursing. I see them off, return to my wife and say: “That’s it, this issue is no longer discussed. We’ll take the glasses for you.
Why? Because the person feels bad. And he should feel good.

Now let's get acquainted.

Hello!

My name is Nikolai Ivanovich, I’m 33 years old (in my heart I feel like I’m 19 years old), I’m a psychologist and a husband (my wife calls me Sunny). My wife’s name is Alla (my name is “Miracle”) - We have two sons - Vanya and Sasha, the same age. Outwardly, they are very similar to each other, both are lively and energetic, but Vanya is tough, and Shurik is a sweetheart.
Vanya is closer to me, Sasha is closer to Allochka. At work, I lead psychological groups, give lectures, and consult. I love my job and can hardly imagine life without it. It’s nice to listen to confessions and feel that, even if not right away, you can help a person. Seeing people straighten their shoulders and open their eyes after your work is a great happiness. The Youth Club occupies a significant place in my life and in this book, but more on that later. I will only say that without this my book would never have been written.

I wrote the book seriously and cheerfully. It's fun because it's from the heart. Seriously, so that I don’t feel ashamed in front of people whom I respect and who still respected me.
I wrote an applied book, not a theoretical one; a popular book, not a scientific one. In this regard, I apologize to those authors whose thoughts and images I used in one way or another, without always referring to them. I was constantly afraid that if I made references to every sensible statement, the whole book would be full of notes: “Collective intelligence.” I wrote not for specialist psychologists, but for everyone else who cares little about the problem of authorship. True, I have not referred to one person so often that I need to name him right away: Arkady Petrovich Egides, psychologist, psychotherapist, specialist in family and sexology. Actually, it was thanks to him that I began to develop as a practicing psychologist. And one last thing. To be precise, under this cover lie four separate books, completely different not only in theme and content, but also in style, tone, and language.

WISDOM IN EVERYDAY CONTACTS

Part 1. Secrets of family communication

What makes people family

It’s always interesting to observe how, and from what building blocks, communication in a family is formed. For example, it can be pleasant entertainment, a traditional ritual, business communication, evil manipulation, live contact, intimacy. As for intimacy, here we are talking about spiritual intimacy. People can be physically close, but their souls and hearts can be separated. In the same way, people can talk on the phone thousands of kilometers away, but a Meeting will take place, they will be closer to each other than ever. How does normal family communication proceed? What brings people together?

"How are you?"

The usual question “How are you?” when meeting close people it can be anything. In particular, it can be a meaningless greeting, an everyday ritual. The military salutes when meeting, in the Middle Ages it was necessary to make 16 ritual jumps, but here it is the same formality - you have to say “How are you?” The interlocutor will also answer this formally. "Fine". Neither one nor the other’s soul even flinched: there was a greeting, but the meeting did not happen. Another "How are you?" may be a business matter: I need information and they give it to me. The person here is only a source of information for me, nothing more. “Well, how are you?”, pronounced with the appropriate intonation, can be the beginning of a manipulation game: “Well, gotcha,” when the questioner is already sure in advance that there is something “wrong” here and is going to “punch” about it. "Hi, how are you?" - may be the beginning of entertainment, with the subtext: “Tell me what you know is interesting.” Then a more or less entertaining chatter begins, in which people habitually pass the time. Well, and, of course, “How are you?” can become a moment of intimacy, live contact between people who love each other.
"How are you?" here it means: “I’m so glad to see you! Is everything good in your soul?”, and the response “Okay” can be deciphered: “I’m very glad to see you too, and now with you next to me it’s just wonderful...” These two met . Probably, all these types, forms of communication - rituals, entertainment, and business communication - have the right to exist.
The only thing I'm not close to is manipulation games. Yes, I know people who feel good when others feel bad, but this joy is incomprehensible to me.
Another thing is that it is important that we always give each other what we need.
Let's say she's bored and wants to have fun, but he's all business and business... Not good. But on the other hand, suddenly he needs to talk seriously, but she keeps walking away from the conversation - giggling and giggling. This will piss him off.
Well, and, probably, the most difficult option is when one wants warmth, intimacy, and the other does not give it, replacing it in their communication with either light chatter, or meaningless and boring rituals, or, even more so, injections of manipulation...
Plus, we must take into account that communication is not only what is said in words. This is the language of actions, glances, touches, steps towards each other. In this regard, it is interesting to see what sex can mean for spouses.
Indeed, can sex be just a ritual, a tradition for them? - Certainly. So, in many older couples who are no longer creative and not inclined to creativity, it becomes routine: when Saturday comes, they have dinner, take a shower, go to bed, and now they have traditional sexual intimacy. For some, sex can be fun on a rainy autumn day when there is nothing else to do. But can sex be a business procedure? Yes, for example, a serious procedure in conceiving children. Let's say the spouses have problems with this, they prepared for a long time, calculated the days, and now the spouse, according to all the rules, as it should, performs fertilization... Unfortunately, sex can also be a game of manipulation, which will end, for example, with a wonderful phrase: “Will you buy me a fur coat?” But, probably, people should strive to ensure that for them intimate relationships are, in the full sense of the word, a manifestation of intimacy, trust, a moment of meeting between two people who love each other.

How close are loved ones?

The experience of intimacy is deeply necessary, apparently, for every person, and everyone suffers from its absence. What prevents us from being close?
A truly close person is someone who understands us. But understanding the Other is difficult, and I would call one of the first obstacles EGOCENTRISM, i.e. inability or unwillingness to put oneself in another person’s place.
In children, egocentrism is very pronounced, and anyone can verify this by reproducing J. Piaget’s experiment with children aged 5-7 years.
Children sit around a round table, they are given everything they need for drawing, and on the table there are 3 pyramids: red, blue and green. The task is given: “Draw these pyramids!” Children complete this task without difficulty.
“Okay, thank you. Now, please, let Vanya draw the pyramids the way Masha sees them - she is sitting opposite you. Can you?” - Vanya, without a moment’s hesitation, takes colored pencils again and draws pyramids - exactly the same as the first time.
It still cannot occur to him that on the other side of the table, from a different point of view, the same pyramids will look different, and the red one, say, will no longer be on the left, but on the right...
Children grow up, but egocentrism remains. No, of course, now we already know that each person perceives the same situation in his own way, from his own point of view - but the problem is that we use this knowledge too rarely.
Here is a simple experiment that is often carried out in family counseling practice. A husband and wife arrive, but the husband is asked to wait in the corridor.
The wife begins to vividly, in detail and figuratively tell how dishonestly and badly her husband behaves. Then the consultant turns to her with a request to describe the situation on behalf of her husband. You should have seen the bewilderment, difficulty and confusion on the wife’s face. Oh, how she doesn’t want to put herself in her husband’s place and look at the situation and herself through his eyes. “After all, your husband would probably talk about the same thing in a different way. Now we invite him - how will he talk about it? - Well, he’ll tell a story here. I’m telling you how it really all happened.. ." Her husband would show himself no better (and, most likely, worse) in a similar situation.
Try it yourself: remember the situation of your last domestic quarrel and try to describe the situation and yourself through the eyes of the person with whom you quarreled! It’s both difficult and you don’t want to, because you look unattractive.
The couple lived together for more than 10 years, they had already had big fights many times, but to put themselves in the place of the other, to look at the family through his eyes, to try to understand him - no, there was not enough time, or rather intelligence and mental strength, for this.
Are you ready for such an experiment?
It is not at all difficult for those who do not swear, but listen to the opinion of another even in a quarrel. “I see the problem like this. How are you?”

Here is another similar experiment that reveals mutual understanding between spouses and, by the way, helps to improve it. The spouses are given pieces of paper, and they must (each separately from each other) complete the unfinished sentences. Which? - For example, the phrase “What I value most in you...” is suggested - and you need to add 5-10 points, let’s say: decency, sense of humor, justice, your salary, love for me, tolerance... Everyone writes what it's important to him.

Nikolay Kozlov

How to treat yourself and people

Practical psychology for every day

Fourth edition, revised and expanded

Dedicated to my father

INSTEAD OF A FOREWORD

When I was 26 years old, I worked in a pioneer camp as the leader of an aircraft modeling circle. During the shift change, I climbed into the carpentry workshop to make slats on a circular saw. The block broke and the hand flew across the screeching disk. Further - in slow motion: I see something bloody dangling below the palm, the fingers are almost completely cut off. I remember my first thoughts well: “I cut it off. What did I lose? - I lost my guitar, typewriter and karate. (By the way, I was mistaken - I only lost my guitar). Is it worth living with these losses? - It’s worth it.” He drew the line: “So, we must continue to live happily.” He looked to see if the severed fingers were lying around, took the cut hand in the other, outlined how to walk and carefully, calmly walked, trying not to lose consciousness. I walk along the road to the camp car and shout in a loud but calm voice: “Come to me! Help! I cut my hand!” He came up, lay down on the grass and gave clear instructions to those running up: “Two plastic bags and ice - quickly!” (to pack my hand in the cold - I was hoping for microsurgery). "To Moscow - quickly!" On the way, I sang songs, this distracted both me and those accompanying me... Microsurgery was not enough for me, but the doctors sewed almost everything back on. In my impressions, the calmest and most sensible person in this situation (except, of course, the doctors) was me.

Keys to the apartment

We then discussed for a long time - we all agreed that until that moment there had been no “special” relationship between them: ordinary, good, like with everyone else.

Now they already have a daughter. They live well.

Allochka and glasses

Now let's get acquainted.

Hello!