Domestic violence as a factor in family dysfunction. Children's aggression: advice from a psychologist

Aggression is represented by multiple terms in everyday speech. “Benign” aggression (persistence, assertiveness, sportive anger, courage, boldness, bravery, bravery, will, ambition), “malignant” aggression (violence, cruelty, arrogance, rudeness, impudence, evil) and the actual aggressive, destructive type of aggression ( according to Fromm).

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When a child is born, he has only two ways of reacting - pleasure, when he is full, he is comfortable and warm, and displeasure, when he is hungry, scared, hurt or cold. Pleasure is expressed to others in the form of a smile, joyful humming, calmness or a peaceful sleep.

The baby shows his displeasure in the form of crying, screaming, kicking, and at a later age - in the form of biting, getting dirty, refusing to eat, and even later, protest reactions aimed at destruction appear...

Considered from 2 positions: 1. as a positive, constructive, creativity; 2. as a destructive force. However, these two aspects of reality represent different facets of the same phenomenon, which are in a complex dynamic relationship.

Thus, the outstanding biologist Lorenz (1963), who contributed to the study of aggressiveness, held a predominantly positive view of its significance in the life of biological beings. He believed that the nature of aggressiveness...

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Have you ever seen a child:
Out of nothing to do, he connects two neighbor cats?
He ties an empty dog to the tail of someone else's dog. tin can?

Inflates a frog with a straw until it bursts?
Tears off flies' wings?
Shoots pigeons with bullets...

Aggressiveness is one of the qualities subject to social condemnation. There are many reasons for this: from cultural (well-mannered people do not behave this way) to religious (you were hit on one cheek - turn the other). Because of this, we often perceive our own aggressiveness as something shameful.

Forgetting that this property is given to us by nature. This means that it was not given by chance.

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Introduction
E. Litvar: The topic of our conversation today concerns family, motherhood, children and their upbringing. You and I have already talked about family, but we...

This article is a product of a philosophical generalization of 8 years of experience in working with the “System family constellation according to Hellinger." And some things, despite the fact that they claim to have some philosophical "depth", are just the result of observing what is happening in "constellations" and in life, and comparing them.

As a result, the following logic of reasoning has developed, based on the sequential development of the following provisions: a family is a system  the system has qualities that, in principle...

Despite the fact that today's society has become much more cultural than in past centuries, aggression in the family still remains common and cannot be avoided. And the worst thing here is that it can be observed not only in low-income families consisting of men addicted to drinking, but also in couples of quite cultured and seemingly highly moral representatives of the upper class.

From all of the above, it is not difficult to assume that the reasons for aggression lie not only in the upbringing of people and their moral values, but also in something completely different.

Where does aggression come from?

Most often, men are prone to aggressive behavior, although today some psychologists are already beginning to consider women from this point of view, due to the fact that the latter are less and less likely to restrain themselves and respond to their husbands in exactly the same unrestrained manner. Be that as it may, the question remains the same: what makes adults raise their hands against each other?

1. Dissatisfaction with your own life. Oddly enough, almost each of us can say that his life is not going the way he would like (this applies even to wealthy citizens). If a person has a tendency to violence, then even though he may seem cheerful and sympathetic from the outside (say, at work or among friends), at home he will rarely restrain his emotions and will easily allow himself to hit his wife. He won't even have a good reason for such an act. A failed dinner, a mess, or some banal reproach can provoke assault.

2. Autocratic character. There are people among us who like to assert their power over others and often in not entirely liberal ways. And if in society they are still obliged to observe the limits of decency, then at home there is nothing holding them back. As a rule, in families with a despot man, everyone can suffer: his wife and children. Raising his hand at them with or without reason, he will simply try to prove that he is right, his power and the power of his words. As soon as he doubts their obedience, the aggression will resume again.

3. Passion for alcohol. It’s a banal reason, but there’s no escaping it. Under the influence of alcoholic drinks, a person often loses control over his actions and the fact that his fists begin to itch is one of the “side” reactions to his addiction to drinking. It is quite possible that he really loves his wife, and being sober generally seems calm person, however, in a state of alcoholic intoxication, he is able to brutally beat her, and in the morning he sincerely repents of his deeds.

What to do in such a situation?

People who have never experienced domestic violence can only advise one thing: to run away from it. But those who live next to aggressive people most often remain near them, and either silently continue to tolerate their antics or try to change their character. However, neither one nor the other is the right decision Problems.

The first thing to do is, if possible, point out a man's behavior, explaining why it is wrong (after all, he himself may not notice it!). Although only a few manage to cope with aggression this way.

Going to a psychologist is not an option. A person who does not admit his problem will never go to treatment voluntarily. And if you force him, then the therapy will be of very little use.

Statistics are an inexorable thing and they say that if he hits once, he will hit a second time. Therefore, there is no point in hoping that he will change. If the situation in the family is heating up to an impossible level, and the actions of the aggressor cause serious harm to one of its members, then you need to think about leave this man. The first time you can leave for a while, but if this does not help, then you need to act radically and. Nothing will change it, and your life could be ruined.

Yes, many women are afraid to undertake such a thing radical measures and therefore silently tolerate the antisocial behavior of their husbands. Moreover, they can hide all this. Advice for those who find themselves in this situation: do not be afraid fight for your right to live a normal life. Look around, most people do not live in fear and are not afraid to be alone with each other. No amount of love, loyalty and devotion will save you from the hospital if next time he forgets that he is many times superior to you physically.

You should not waste your life on those who will never improve, and especially, you should not believe their promises. A tendency to aggression, like an addiction to alcohol, can only go away when a person himself wants to get rid of the addiction. This is the only way he can become normal and adequate again, and for this to happen, he must understand that no one will want to live next to him until he pulls himself together.

If a man is able to make decisions and take responsibility in a difficult situation - of course, this characterizes him with positive side. However, behind the strength of character there is often a despot hidden.

How to deal with an aggressive husband: tolerate his attacks or break off the relationship once and for all? What to do if you did not recognize these inclinations in your chosen one before the wedding? First, let's understand what aggression is.

This is destructive motivated behavior that results in harm to people, objects and environment. This is not always physical violence. Victims of aggression experience moral discomfort, fear and negative emotions and from negative moral influence.

Signs of a domestic tyrant

It is not easy to recognize an aggressor husband in a happy groom. Unfortunately, there is a type of man who does not tolerate objections and, at the slightest provocation, bursts into abuse or begins to let loose.

The one who recently swore to you eternal love, can “treat” you with a tasty slap in the face or even beat you up. In fact, recognizing an aggressive person is not difficult. It’s just a woman, blinded by love, acting like Pushkin’s hero: “I myself am glad to be deceived.”

The following signs will help you recognize a potential tyrant:

drug abuse or drunkenness with low intelligence. A state of intoxication promotes aggression: this is a truism;
tendency to settle disputes with fists. Be sure that your chosen one will transfer this behavioral stereotype into family relationships;
upbringing. If your potential spouse grew up in a family where everything was run by an authoritarian father, then most likely he will behave the same way towards you. Pay attention to his statements about women. Constant criticism and talk about “lower beings obliged to obey” betrays the future abuser;
men who served in hot spots also represent a risk group. It is impossible to endure what they had to endure without mental damage.

Forms of manifestation of aggression in the family

There are several forms of aggression.

Verbal

Verbal aggression is swearing, threats, mean jokes and remarks, and statements in a derogatory form. Of course, words, no matter how angry and offensive they may be, are not capable of causing physical harm.

However, listening to them is offensive and unpleasant. Moral suffering is no better than physical suffering. Even “affectionate” and “harmless” pet nicknames can carry offensive connotations.

For example, if a man calls his wife “Doughnut”, “Piglet” or “Dumpling”, then the wife often takes this personally, thinking that her husband has stopped loving her because she has lost her former slimness. All sorts of “Rats”, “Snakes”, “Nutria”, “Piggy” or “Hippos” are no better.

As a rule, a man sincerely does not understand that his statements leave an unpleasant aftertaste for his wife. Moreover, evil and stupid jokes come from the person closest to you.

Physical

It cannot be said that fights in the family are a common occurrence, but, to be honest, they sometimes happen. Not only wives and children, but also husbands become victims of physical violence. According to statistics, more than half of women have experienced physical aggression in the family in one way or another.

Form of protection

Sometimes a husband attacks his wife with his fists, and she defends herself from him with whatever comes to hand. For example, with the same rolling pin or frying pan. It’s hard to blame her, although it doesn’t look very nice, to put it mildly.

After all, in in this case a woman defends herself, and perhaps her own life. As you can see, aggression can manifest itself in different ways and with certain nuances, adjusted for a specific family.

In any case, the aggressor has a number of common features:

considers the people around him to be enemies and waits for the moment to attack. In their opinion, better protection from the enemy is an attack;
low self-esteem. The aggressor believes that by humiliating other people, especially loved ones, he asserts himself, increases his own importance and seems stronger to others;
tendency to blame others for your failures and troubles. For example, an “armchair genius” believes that if it weren’t for his family, he would have been able to achieve much more in life. This is an elementary attempt to justify one’s own laziness, lack of ability and character. At the same time, he completely refuses to take responsibility for his own actions, and he is not able to calculate their consequences;
hot temper, the ability to demonstrate anger and displeasure at the slightest provocation. This is where his extreme self-centeredness manifests itself. A tyrant very rarely agrees to compromise.

Perhaps this suggests that coexistence with such an unpleasant person under one roof is not an easy task. This behavior can destroy any relationship.

First of all, you need to be aware of the following. If a man has shown aggression at least once, it is at least naive to assume that nothing like this will ever happen again. All his apologies and repentances are 99% false, if only because the destructive mechanism has already been launched.

We will leave one percent for those rare cases when a man had the intelligence and character to analyze his own behavior and curb himself on his own, without the intervention of other people and a professional psychologist.

Here are some tips for women, since they are often the victims in such situations:

Do not tolerate or hope that sooner or later your spouse will “come to his senses.” Moreover, seeing his impunity, the aggressor spouse will consider his behavior acceptable;
. They shouldn't see anything like this. It is most often useless to explain this to an aggressor husband. In moments of anger, he strives only for self-affirmation and he does not care who is in front of him;
if you see that attempts to improve relationships and consultations with a psychologist have not led to a positive result, there is only one way out -. Of course, many women find thousands of reasons why this cannot be done, but they gradually come to the conclusion: it is better to put an end to the constant humiliation and threats.

What is the behavioral pattern with an abusive husband?

Competent tactics of behavior with an abusive husband are based on the following points:

don’t be afraid to point out a man’s shortcomings. Most likely, he himself is far from an oligarch and not an Apollo to demand from his wife model parameters like the notorious 90-60-90. An even wiser solution is an offer to change for the better, but only together;
try to analyze why your husband displays the traits of a tyrant. References to “Domostroy” and the wild proverb “Hitting means loving” are in no way suitable here;
Do not allow humiliation and, especially, assault towards you. At the same time, do not force a man to do something that he clearly does not want. Positive results will be brought not by pressure, but by negotiations;
Increase your self-esteem, try to be independent and self-sufficient. You want to show aggression around such a person less.

Tolerate or file for divorce?

As already said, there is no need to be patient. It often happens that divorce is the only way out of a situation that is commonly called “stalemate.”

Let's try to understand the reasons that keep a woman from taking a decisive step, although she herself clearly understands that this cannot continue like this:

financial dependence. Or, more simply put, the fear of being left without a livelihood. Try to find a job or ask relatives for temporary financial support. The aggressor will lose his main trump card - submission with the help of;
fear of even greater aggression. In fact, if you stay in the family, the humiliation will continue. Isn’t it better to break off the relationship and hide from the domestic tyrant so that he has “short arms” to humiliate or beat you;
complete satisfaction with the situation. Oddly enough, there are women who like to be victims. The only thing that can be advised in this case is: think about your children, if you don’t love yourself that much. They are not to blame for your psychological problems;
“He hits (or is jealous), which means he loves”. This category of wives is so downtrodden and deprived of attention that they perceive even beatings as a sign of care. It wouldn't hurt to know that love and respect are expressed in a slightly different way. At least not with fists;
fear of loneliness. The woman is afraid that she will no longer be able to arrange her life and thinks “whatever, but still the man is nearby.” If you get rid of a toxic relationship, you can gain freedom of action and have a chance to build new relationships differently. And the fears are completely unfounded;
hopes that “he will be re-educated”. The difficulty is that the man himself must want to change. And this does not always happen.

Behavioral tactics during a divorce from an aggressive husband

Practice shows that an abusive husband does not abandon his habits even during a divorce. He often threatens his wife and takes everything.

There is no doubt that most parents love their children and want the best for them. Selflessly caring for children, they are often ready to sacrifice their comforts and pleasures for the sake of what can be useful to the child or bring him joy. And, of course, it is easy to imagine the reaction of most mothers and fathers if someone stranger - a neighbor, a nanny, or even a teacher - tried to hit their child or somehow offend him.

Despite all this, many parents themselves are capable of raising their hands against their child, or at least do not categorically exclude such a possibility.

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Aggressive behavior in the family.....

Despite all this, many parents themselves are capable of raising their hands against their child, or at least do not categorically exclude such a possibility.

Larger role in the younger one school age plays into the nature of the relationship between the child and parents. At this age, the child, by virtue of his age characteristics cannot resist or defend against negative parental influences

Research shows that the main reason for parents' dissatisfaction with their children and, as a result, slapping, swearing, and beating them is dissatisfaction with the child's educational activities. Praise their children for completing homework only 38.5 parents.

Research also shows that among the motives for cruel treatment of children, 50% of parents note: “the desire to educate”, slightly less than 30% - “revenge for the fact that the child brings grief, asks for something, demands something.” In more than 10% of cases, cruelty becomes an end in itself - screaming for the sake of screaming, beating for the sake of beating.

We will talk about the behavior of good, loving parents who are not in a situation of acute stress.

So, I will name the most common “springs” of aggressive behavior in adults.

General mental and physical exhaustion caused by fatigue, poverty, constant stress, a long-term illness of a child or one’s own illness. Adoptive parents also often fall into this category during the period of adaptation of the child to the family, because this is a very energy-consuming process;

Automatic reproduction of the behavior model of one's own parents. Even if they are generally dissatisfied with this model and would like to get rid of it, alternative models take root with difficulty, since they require constant control by the mind;

Anxiety, suspiciousness, constant fear that something will happen to the child; the desire to prevent any troubles and suffering for him, often associated with the inability to tolerate the crying of a child;

A strong, although vague, feeling of guilt is not entirely clear to whom; fantasies that others will judge, punish, and perhaps take away the child.

Unfortunately, there are still many parents who seek the obedience of their children through physical punishment. Parents who hit their children believe that they are raising them that way. In reality, by resorting to brute physical force in education, they only prove their complete inconsistency, their inability to find a reasonable way to influence the child.

The temporary “success” that parents sometimes achieve with the help of beatings - forced repentance or obedience of the child - is bought at a high price. “Doctors know of cases where beatings caused nervous diseases in children. But the most serious harm of physical punishment is that it humiliates the child, convinces him of his own powerlessness before his elders, gives rise to cowardice, and embitters him.

The child loses self-confidence and self-respect, he loses, therefore, those precious qualities that parents should especially carefully and lovingly cultivate in the child, because nothing is so important for proper development as the child’s faith in his own abilities and a sense of respect for yourself, a sense of respect and trust in an adult.

No measure of punishment, no form of punishment should humiliate the child’s personality.

The trouble for parents is that they only see the results immediately following physical punishment, and do not see the deep, hidden damage that beatings cause to a child. Such upbringing and attitude on the part of adults leads to the development of cowardice, deceit in the child, the emergence of guilt complexes, fear and the appearance of unmotivated aggression. Which leads to various deformations in the formation of personality, the formation of inadequate self-esteem, etc. Only upbringing in a family where the child is loved, where he is surrounded by a warm, fair environment, leads to the fact that he grows up pleasant to the people around him.

Main forms of child abuse:

physical violence -intentional infliction of physical harm on a child. These injuries can lead to death. Cause serious physical or mental impairment or developmental delays.

Sexual violence or corruption -involvement of a child with or without his consent, conscious or unconscious by him due to age immaturity, or other reasons, in sexual relations with adults in order to obtain benefits, satisfaction or to achieve selfish goals.

Sexual violence refers to cases of sexual acts if they were committed with the use of threat or physical force, and also if they were committed with the use of threat or physical force, and also if the age difference between the perpetrator and the victim is at least 3-4 years.

Mental (emotional abuse) –periodic, long-term or constant mental influence of parents, leading to the development of pathological character traits or inhibiting the development of his personality (constant criticism of the child, threats against him, presentation of increased demands that do not correspond to the child’s age, etc.).

This form of violence includes:

open rejection and constant criticism of the child
threats against a child, manifested in verbal form without physical violence
insult and humiliation of a child's dignity
deliberate physical or social isolation of a child
making demands on the child. Regardless of age or ability
lies and failure to keep promises by adults
a single gross mental impact that caused mental trauma in a child, etc.

Neglect of a child's needs (moral cruelty) -lack of basic care on the part of parents for the child, as a result of which his emotional state is disturbed and a threat to his health or development appears.

pattern of parental abuse of children:

Aggression is an attack of a physical or psychological nature, the main motive of which is destructive form behavior that violates the possibility of coexistence between people and causes harm to all loved ones of the subject.

Aggression can be a means of protecting a person’s psyche from traumatic situations, but when it turns into a method of emotional release and assertion over others, the question arises of how to get rid of aggression.

Causes of aggression

The causes of aggression can be very diverse. These most often include alcohol abuse and narcotic substances, which negatively affects nervous system and provokes an aggressive, inadequate reaction to minor stimuli.

Also, do not forget about internal psychological reasons: dissatisfaction in personal life, intimate problems, feelings of loneliness, depression.

In addition, aggression can be a manifestation of various mental illness and disorders (schizophrenia), is a consequence of experienced organic (meningitis, encephalitis) or emotional trauma. Very often, the causes of aggression are also purely subjective factors. Various customs, thirst for revenge, religious or ideological fanaticism, image strong man– all this can provoke destructive behavior.

Types of aggression

Exist different kinds aggression and methods of their classification. It is necessary to understand that aggression has different directions. So-called heteroaggression is aimed at others - it is its consequences that include insults, beatings, rape and even murder. A person’s auto-aggression is directed exclusively at himself and is expressed in self-destructive actions, the result of which can be suicide.

Aggression can be reactive or spontaneous. In the first case, it is a response to the current irritable situation, an example of which can be a domestic quarrel or a conflict at work. Spontaneous aggression manifests itself for no apparent reason under the influence of internal impulses. It is this variant of aggression that is most often a sign of mental disorders or diseases.

Forms of aggression

Psychologists also distinguish between forms of aggression. Among them, it is important to note gaming and malignant. “Game aggression” is understood as a person’s demonstration of his skills, dexterity and skills, but not for destructive purposes, which include the desire to cause harm. This behavior is purely demonstrative and is often called “pseudo-aggression.”

Malignant, also known as “compensatory” aggression, is revealed in a destructive pattern of behavior, a tendency to cruelty and violence. These actions often serve as a kind of replacement for a person’s personal productive life.

Options for displaying aggression

A manifestation of aggression is an external demonstration by a person of dissatisfaction with something. Quite often, the subject himself may not be aware of his feeling of dissatisfaction or not know about its causes, and may not be aware of his aggressive behavior.

Aggression in men and women is somewhat different. Men are more prone to its physical manifestation and it generally looks like hitting a table with a fist. Women show it more emotionally in the form of frequent incoherent complaints, reproaches, and conclusions that defy logical justification.

Aggression tends to accumulate in an individual and manifest itself in the event of a collision with a provoking factor, which may not be at all related to the real causes of aggression. Therefore, it is very important not to try to keep it within yourself, but when fighting aggression, pay attention to Special attention identifying the main cause of its occurrence.

Aggression among teenagers

Teenage aggression is no less common. It is usually discovered during the period of growing up, when a newborn child faces new serious problems, including in communicating with peers, and various contradictions arise in his mind. Teenagers become hyperactive, take a rebellious attitude towards their family and loved ones, and sometimes, on the contrary, withdraw into themselves, become emotionally insensitive and cruel.

To prevent aggression in a child, it is necessary to strive to establish contact with him, if possible, accept and understand his position, listen and help without sharp criticism of him. It is important to eliminate aggression in families with children, where it is a kind of norm among adults. Children of scandalous parents, as a rule, adopt these habits on a subconscious level, even if they have not been frequent witnesses of quarrels and conflicts between mother and father.

Prevention and treatment of aggression in adolescents consists of the formation of a certain range of interests and their support. Parents should not only involve their child in useful and interesting activities, but also take into account his personal hobbies. You should not try to change a child using brute force. The absence of reproaches and criticism, as well as the ability to listen to a teenager’s feelings, is very important for them as they grow up.

Family aggression

Aggression in the family often becomes the most discussed topic in the offices of family psychologists. But, before turning to them, it makes sense to try to figure out the situation on your own in order to get rid of aggression. There are many reasons and reasons for family aggression and some of them are more common than others:

Dissatisfaction of one or both spouses in their sex life.
Feeling of disrespect for one's own self. Constant ridicule, reproaches, remarks and criticism, disdain for interests and hobbies.
Psychological alienation among spouses. Lack of care, attention, affection, understanding.
Various “unhealthy” addictions. Alcohol abuse, smoking, others bad habits. This also includes addictions that lead to unreasonable spending.
Financial disagreements. Inability to draw up a general family budget.
Dissatisfaction of one of the spouses with mutual assistance, distribution of labor, cooperation in difficult situations, which may be related to raising children or running a household.

As already mentioned, there can be many reasons. However, any married couple is able to independently identify their “pain points” and, by discussing the problem, find probable cause conflicts.

If you feel aggression from one of your family and friends, you should not put up with it and endure attacks. This attitude will not only damage you and your self-esteem, but will also make the situation worse in the future. But how to get out of aggression?

It is important for the aggressor himself to understand the fact that his behavior is unacceptable and harms the relationship, since with this form of behavior he may not be aware of it. It is necessary to convey to him the idea that aggression on his part is serious psychological problem, perhaps even a mental disorder that does not go away without a trace.

The next step is to establish contact and adequate communication, during which you need to try to understand the aggressor and his point of view, convey yours to him, and with common efforts find a solution to the problem, a possible compromise. If this is not enough, then you should arrange to visit a family psychotherapist who will help you figure it out and give all the necessary recommendations.

If we get rid of this mental disorder in the family does not work out in any way, then the best solution for such a married couple there will be a divorce, since constant conflicts cause irreparable damage to both the male and female psyches, and in the worst case, they can result in serious physical damage.