This article will tell you in an accessible form how to decisively, but at the same time competently, accurately and politely refuse a person who asks you for some favor...
Not long ago I watched the film with Jim Carrey “Yes Man” (2008 release). The plot revolved around the idea that you need to overcome yourself, say “Yes” to everyone and everything will be like this -
But in practice, it seems to me, the problem is exactly the opposite - many people feel uneasy at the mere thought that they will have to REFUSE someone. They constantly joke that “it’s easier to give in than to explain why “no”, etc.
In fact, it is possible to master this skill. But I’ll say even more than that - you NEED to master it, because if you don’t know how to say “no,” then you will NEVER become a truly free person, fully realized, do what YOU need, AND NOT OTHERS. You will be doomed to do things that DO NOT concern you, while being angry with those around you and with yourself, repeating like a mantra the cherished words of all the compromisers: “well, this is definitely in last time…»
So, let's stop being trouble-free “like a Mosin rifle made in 1891” - in front of you there are 6 quite simple ways STRONGLY, CONVINCINGLY and DECISIVELY, but at the same time POLITELY, TACTICALLY, and WITHOUT VIOLENCE ON YOURSELF say “NO”:
METHOD ONE – STRAIGHT LINEAR “NO”
The first thing that comes to mind is to directly tell your interlocutor “NO” and explain the reason for the refusal.
In fact, there is no need to “explain” at all. If you stand and come up with " the real reason refusal”, then it will be immediately obvious - your behavior will look insincere and far-fetched...
Wouldn't it be better to just say no, without making up stories or lying along the way? A direct, simple “no” is completely self-sufficient, convincing and understandable.
Try this recipe - just don't add anything to your refusal.
Of course, there is no need to be rude. You can use soft formulations:
If this is not enough for your interlocutor, he begins to resort to various manipulations and tricks, then you can try to use the so-called “BROKEN PLATE TECHNIQUE”, the essence of which is to repeat the same phrase several times - in our case, a short refusal :
Under no circumstances should you react to provocations! They must be patiently listened to and waited out. Even if one form of “persuasion” replaces another, you cannot ask questions, clarify anything or object - only listen silently and repeat your “no!”
The technique considered is especially effective in relation to assertive and/or aggressive people, as it deprives them of the opportunity to exert their strength, and, consequently, the opportunity to continue persuasion.
METHOD TWO - EMPATHY “NO”
Here is the “softest” answer to the question “ How to politely refuse someone?», main principle which consists of thoughtful, attentive listening to the interlocutor. You need to show that you understand his problems with all your heart and sympathize with him. But at the end, you add your refusal to fulfill the request.
You can use the following options refusal:
At the same time, you may also not indicate the reason for the refusal, especially if your compassion looks quite convincing.
This technique is especially effective with people who want to arouse pity and play on your feelings. And, of course, to those who just wanted attention, sympathy and support...
METHOD THREE - REASONABLE “NO”
If there is a good enough reason for your refusal, then you can, of course, voice it. In this case, there is no need to be clever - just use this simple formula: “I can’t do this because ... (the reason is stated below)”
You can also use special refusal methods, for example, the “three reasons” method. The formula for this rather weighty and convincing technique sounds like this: “Sorry, but I can’t do this for three reasons... (these reasons are stated below)”
The main thing in this technique is not to get carried away with unnecessary details. It is important that the interlocutor does not get lost in your arguments and grasps the very essence of your message.
This technique can be used in both informal and formal settings. It will be especially appropriate when communicating with your bosses, older people, etc.
METHOD FOUR - DELAYED “NO”
If the methods described above are too decisive for you, if you are used to automatically agreeing with everything and have completely forgotten how to refuse, the method of DELAYING THE ANSWER may be suitable for you. This way you will gain time and be able to turn to other people for advice. how to politely refuse someone etc.
This technique is also well suited for those who are heavily loaded with work (and, accordingly, cannot correctly assess their labor reserves), who excessively doubt themselves and their actions, as well as those who are accustomed to constantly and carefully analyze all their actions.
The essence of the technique is to ask for time to think about the request:
This way, you won’t have to bend your heart. You just need to ask for some time-out, which will protect you from many rash decisions. Just try not to leave "enemy of maneuver" room for further discussion at this point in time!
Such techniques work great with persistent, assertive people who do not tolerate any objections at all.
METHOD FIFTH – “NO” BY 50% or COMPROMISE “NO”
Sometimes you would agree to help your interlocutor, but not 100%, right? Then you can invite him to negotiate the terms. But here it is important to be extremely precise - what you will do and what you won’t:
If your opponent is not happy with the conditions, then you can safely refuse help!
METHOD SIX – “NO” IN THINGS or DIPLOMATIC “NO”
Sometimes you just need to invite your interlocutor to negotiations. Then it will be convenient to refuse him on certain points, and it will be much easier to find a mutually acceptable option.
This technique is suitable when ready-made solution You don’t have a problem, and you would like to find it together: “Come on, I’ll try to help you in a different way? How – I haven’t decided yet... Let’s think about it together?”
You can also invite a third party (specialist, expert, your friend and ally) for cooperation...
HOW TO MASTER THESE TECHNIQUES?
As you can see, if you need politely refuse a person– there is plenty to choose from. But simply reading this material is completely insufficient.
Therefore, put them into practice as often as possible so that these useful skills simply become a habit!
The Spanish philosopher Gracian Baltazar once said that “he who belongs to everyone cannot belong to himself.”
Think about it. And understand that it is vital to develop the skill described above, since you cannot answer affirmatively to any request - after all, this WILL LEAD YOU TO A SITUATION in which WILL NOT BE SATISFIED WITH YOUR ACTIONS NOBODY ! Do you need it?
Update date: 11/26/2017
The word “no” is slightly longer than the word “yes”. But for some reason we easily say the latter at every step, but refusing someone is an impossible mission for us. Why is it so hard to say the word “no!”? And how exactly to refuse a request in order to remain within the bounds of etiquette and?
Why are we afraid to say no?
The fear of saying “no” can start in childhood. A great influence (unfortunately, not always positive) is exerted on us by the parental example and the moral principles that the family follows.
For example, even in the sandbox, caring and friendly mothers teach to always share their favorite toys with other children. And the kid knows: if he doesn’t share, they will scold and punish him. And so the child, reluctantly, choking on tears, hands the unknown mischievous boy his favorite scoop... and remembers his state of mind for a long time. And he will continue to live, guided by the principle “you must always give and help, even if you don’t want to”; will continue to be constantly afraid of punishment for refusing anything.
From a small sandbox in the yard, a stereotype of behavior and communication with others of an already adult person is laid down. We get used to sharing something dear and very valuable, so that we are loved, not offended, and not called an extremely impolite person. Even if we refuse to fulfill someone’s request, we are afraid of ruining relationships with people, losing the trust of friends, the attention and respect of others...
Many suffer from an “excellent student complex” formed during their school years. Such people always try to live up to someone’s expectations, to please others, to be more “well-mannered” and more polite than everyone else. How can you say “no” and refuse someone?
But by constantly agreeing to do what we don’t want or really can’t, we lose much more. We forget about our interests, we infringe on our own rights to personal space, personal property, time and rest, finally. Regularly doing something against our will, we find ourselves in a situation of wasting strength - both mental and physical; we lose touch with our own “I”; We get stressed, depressed, tired; We find ourselves in time pressure, simply not having time to allocate time for our personal life.
Saying “no”, for some reason, we feel discomfort on a psychological level: it becomes awkward, a feeling of guilt appears.
But it’s more pleasant to answer “yes”: this word will be followed by a stream of gratitude and immense joy from the interlocutor. And at this moment, few people think about how much strength, nerves and health he will have to give for this second happiness of the “petitioner”...
You need to learn to say “no”. Just like learning to thank, apologize, say hello and greet people. Saying the word “no” is not beyond the bounds of etiquette. Moreover, the ability to refuse is a manifestation of our politeness and good manners.
How to learn to refuse politely
The ability to refuse politely and correctly cannot be developed after just 2-3 attempts to mumble “no...”. Ultimately, such a skill should become part of the culture of communication with people, a way to maintain the integrity of one’s interests and personal space.
In every situation where you feel the need to answer “no!” At the request of an annoying interlocutor, completely different refusal tactics will be applied. Their choice should depend on the degree of your relationship with the person, the real possibility/impossibility of providing help, your personal attitude towards the interlocutor, etc. However, there are certain principles and rules of cultural refusal, following which it will be easier for you to protect yourself from attacks on your personal time, energy and - very importantly -.
Before you sharply and irrevocably pronounce your cold “no!”, try to understand the true motives of your interlocutor. After all, any request can be a consequence of two intentions - the desire to find real help in hopeless situation or just a way to manipulate you.
In the first case, it is worth thinking about the reasons for your ardent readiness to quickly refuse a person. Perhaps behind them lies ordinary laziness or immense selfishness? This means that you need to slightly reconsider your principles of life and the form of communication with people. But the situation of the second type requires utmost attention and the use of special rules of communication.
Therefore, you need to take into account important “speech” subtleties:
- If you feel that the current situation still requires immediate refusal, do not delay with a weighty and decisive “no.” Your response to a request should be just that—firm, clear, and confident. The slightest trembling in your voice and your eyes “running” from side to side will betray your doubts and awkwardness to your interlocutor. And this, in turn, will become another opportunity for manipulation.
- When refusing, do not prepare yourself in advance for a negative response and great offense from your interlocutor. Firstly, if you politely frame your “no” with accessible arguments, further pressure on you will be almost impossible. And secondly, if you do hear reproaches addressed to you, they will reflect not your bad manners, but the other person’s lack of culture.
- When saying the word “no,” do not try to put a psychological “block” on yourself and take a defensive position with your arms crossed over your chest. This way you can really offend your interlocutor with inappropriate disdain. But no one is going to attack you!
- Try to pronounce expressions of refusal calmly, in a neutral tone, do not accompany your words negative emotions. The interlocutor should not feel the negativity in your voice. And you, in turn, should not kindle sparks of discontent with a person inside.
- Under no circumstances should you shame your interlocutor for trying to ask you for something! Do not accuse a person of lack of independence or, worse, arrogance. After all, he really needs help, not your notations! Make it a rule: if you cannot satisfy a request, at least provide moral support.
- In particular, when trying to support a person, try to speak sincerely, think about and weigh every word. You shouldn’t sprinkle in stereotypical cliché verbal formulas and give “hackneyed” supposedly wise advice. After all, a very real, specific person is coming to you with a request, and not a generalized type of “eternal Russian sufferer”!
- During the conversation, don't be afraid to talk about your feelings. This will help you convey your thoughts correctly, be sincere and frank, avoid tension in future relationships and not get confused in unnecessary explanations. The interlocutor will feel that you are not only listening, but also hearing him. Your truthfulness will show that you really entered into the person's situation and understood him correctly. In response, he will speak just as sincerely and fearlessly look for other options for solving the problem.
- The use of “I-messages” is very effective on a psychological level. For example, “I would like to help, but...”, “I’m really interested in this offer, but...”, “I’m really upset by the current situation, but...”. This way you will show your interest in the life events of your interlocutor. Avoid using phrases with the pronoun “you” (“you” - messages): “YOU are asking me again...”, “YOU always find yourself in such situations...”.
- Also, do not use all sorts of generalizations like “always asking”, “constantly borrowing money...”. There is no need to hint at frequent problems in the life of your interlocutor.
- You can accompany the word “no” with certain appropriate gestures. For example, show light by hand gesture of “repulsion”, rejection. This way, on an emotional level, you will convince the person that you are not going to take on exorbitant obligations.
- During the conversation, do not interrupt the interlocutor, try to listen to him carefully, and show him respect.
By applying these important speech rules, it will be much easier for you to avoid offense, misunderstanding or outbursts of aggression from your interlocutor. But how exactly do you say that difficult word “no”?
Let's try to highlight the main principles of polite refusal:
- The most important thing is to make sure that you do it right, or rather, his request. It may happen that they ask for mere trifles, but it already seems to you that they are encroaching on all your free time.
- In many cases, when you use the word “no,” you are not required to accompany it with comments or explanations. The details of your life should not be shared with other people. However, if you think that some kind of explanation of the refusal is still required (for example, in a situation of communication with a close relative), then provide clear, precise arguments. Don't mumble, try not to lie.
- If you doubt that you cannot help your interlocutor, do not say “no” right away. Try to take a little time to think. Say “I’ll think about it,” “let’s come back to this a little later.” Perhaps during this period of time you will really have the opportunity to help a person.
In principle, such verbal forms can also be used when it is very difficult for you to refuse a person right away, even though you understand that you are unlikely to be able to provide help. But in any case, do not delay in answering, so as not to sow unnecessary hopes for you in your interlocutor.
If you initially know that you cannot help in any way, it is better to say “no” right away. After all, a person may need a quick and real help, you shouldn’t make him wait pointlessly.
Sometimes a refusal situation will require arguments. For example, if they ask you to borrow some money, and you were going to spend it on buying a school uniform for your child. Or a friend asks you to babysit her daughter on the weekend, and for you, a day off is the only opportunity to relax and sleep after a hard week of work. Don't be afraid to speak truthfully and sincerely about your feelings and plans. After all, the interlocutor himself may be in your place and should understand and accept your arguments.
A situation may arise when you have the opportunity to fulfill some part of the request. Offer your possible assistance in this regard, but do not take on other impossible work.
Remember to use familiar polite or “softening” words when communicating, such as “thank you,” “please,” “sorry.” Agree, the expression “understand me, please, no” sounds much more pleasant than the dry and monosyllabic “no!”
Try together with your interlocutor in solving his problem, reason with others possible options, in which you are not required to participate. In such a discussion, it is important to be sensitive, thoughtful, and try to find real and effective ways.
Feel free to voice specific rules or principles in your life if they are appropriate in a given situation. For example, “On Saturday I usually go to the village to visit my grandmother” or “I am used to spending Sunday with my family.”
If they are intrusively trying to assign an exorbitant task to you, do not be afraid to hint that you are not entirely competent in some matter and can ruin everything. Or your skills are not so good to fulfill the request efficiently and quickly.
The principles we have listed can be applied to absolutely different situations. Each of them has varying degrees of effectiveness. However, there are often cases when our modest and polite “no” stubbornly does not want to be heard... How should we behave? How can you refuse an annoying person without violating the norms of etiquette? It's time to use the "heavy artillery"...
Tricks of the cunning
The advice we will offer you does not go beyond the scope of etiquette. They will not violate the norms of decency, will not insult or humiliate your interlocutor. They will only require a developed imagination and greater intelligence from you. As a result, you will present yourself not only as a polite and cultured person, but also as a person with an extraordinary mind.
Sometimes it can be psychologically difficult to pronounce the word “no” or any expression with negative particles “not” or “neither”. Try to formulate your phrase differently, give the refusal a positive connotation. For example: “It would be great to go shopping with you if I weren’t sick.”
Try in your arguments to refer to the point of view of another person familiar to both of you. It should be a kind of obstacle for you when fulfilling the request. For example: “I can’t lend you money because my husband was going to use it to repair the car.”
If you don’t find any arguments for refusal at all, try saying that you could fulfill the request if, for example, you were given more time to do it, you didn’t have to prepare a quarterly report, etc.
Try to clearly and clearly explain the possibility of failure of the case if it is entrusted to you. For example, you are not the best cook, so you won’t undertake to prepare a birthday cake for your second cousin’s birthday. Or you can study weekly with your niece.
When choosing reasons for your “no,” speak in the language of the values that your interlocutor shares. For example, to a girl who likes to visit beauty salons, you can say the following: “I can’t sit with your child now, because I have to be at my hairdresser at 15:00.”
When refusing, try to simultaneously reward your interlocutor with a sincere compliment. For example, you can answer a colleague: “You came up with a very interesting scenario for a corporate event, but it would be awkward for me to be the host.” This way you will significantly soften your refusal.
If the interlocutor is not yet very intrusive in his request, try to change the topic of conversation. However, choose to discuss something that will be interesting to the other person. Distract him from the problem.
Sometimes you can try to redirect the request for help to the interlocutor himself. Ask him: “What would you do if you were asked to borrow the money with which you were going to buy a gift for your daughter?” However, such questions must be asked calmly and friendly, without the slightest hint of irritation.
In some cases, simulating serious activity or employment will play into your hands. If you already have a feeling that you are about to be asked to do something difficult, tell us in advance about your excessive workload and plans for remodeling summer cottage on weekends, etc.
Try to put the person asking you in front of certain choice. For example, tell your boss that you are ready to quickly prepare documents for verification if he releases you from a number of current tasks.
If the interlocutor continues to impose his request on you and does not accept reasonable arguments, try to conduct the conversation with humor, in other words, “laugh it off.” Just use polite and genuinely funny jokes that won't offend people.
Such tricks, which in no way go beyond the bounds of decency, will allow you to painlessly defend your right to rest and... But try to use them in cases where the standard set of rules is not suitable for an overly annoying interlocutor.
To manipulators - our weighty “no!”
Unfortunately, often during a conversation we notice that we are being shamelessly manipulated. And, as a rule, we ourselves provide a reason for such pressure. You really need to be very careful in choosing words and expressions and avoid excessive frankness.
A few tips will protect you from pressure from others, will not give strangers a reason to impose unnecessary obligations on you, and will personally save you from sudden outbursts of anger and aggression:
- Try to avoid overly lengthy and confusing arguments for your refusal. Every hesitant word you say is a good reason for a new stage of manipulation.
- Don't try to redirect your responsibilities to someone else. Firstly, it is simply impolite and ugly: you will put a stranger in exactly the same position that you yourself are trying to avoid. Secondly, even if this person agrees to provide a service, he may do it poorly. And all the reproaches will fly at you, because you recommended him as an assistant!
- If you couldn’t say “no” right away and asked to wait, don’t wait too long to answer. When you refuse after a long silence, the feeling of guilt will “gnaw” at you, and it will not be difficult for the person to force you to do something. Moreover, making people wait for a long period of time is impolite. After all, the interlocutor needs quick help!
- Under no circumstances say phrases like “I’ll help you later”, “Let me do it next time”... After all, the next time may come very soon, and you will have to fulfill what you promised!
- Finally, the main advice. If you feel that the interlocutor is beginning to show aggression towards you, it is better to stop the unpleasant conversation, and then think: is it even worth communicating with a person who does not respect your interests?
Formulas for success: technologies for correct refusal
In addition to the tips we have presented, there are also carefully developed refusal techniques.
- "A broken record." She assumes that you will have to repeat your weighty and firm “no” more than once. Sometimes you need to say this irrevocable word several times so that your interlocutor finally stops bothering you. And sometimes it is enough to say the expressions of refusal just three times. And the magic of the number “3” will help you!
- "Refusal with understanding." It can be quite imagined as mathematical formula. It consists of two parts, which can be predicted by the name: refusal itself + understanding (regret). We have already spoken quite a lot about refusal; its essence is our notorious word “no”. But with “understanding” it’s more difficult. Literally and figuratively...
Your understanding (regret) offered to your interlocutor should consist of two parts: empathy for the person and expression of your feelings. When empathizing, you must show that you understand the severity of the situation in which the interlocutor finds himself, you sincerely feel sorry for him. But when applying the second part of the formula in practice, try to talk openly about own feelings; say that you are very sorry that you cannot help at this moment and in this particular situation.
Psychologists also recommend making periodic notes in a notebook, in which you note where, when, why, with whom and in what particular situation you were unable to say “no.” Having made such a note, try to think about why this happened, what your mistake was, and what you could answer to your interlocutor.
Learn to refuse correctly while maintaining your interests. Healthy selfishness and correctly set priorities will help you avoid the “promise trap.”
I don't know how to refuse. That is, of course, I try to say no politely, but I very rarely succeed. Usually all my attempts to politely refuse without offending the person end either in offense or in the phrase “okay, I’ll see what I can do.” The most extreme case - This . I don’t know if deception is small, for good, or half true. This is an even more difficult question.
Constantly deceive - not a very good solution, which in the end will still lead to conflict, since you will be completely confused and lie.
How to refuse your boss who once again asks you to stay after work? How to say a firm “no” to your relatives without them being offended? How can you let your friends know that you can't help them at the moment?
In fact, there are a huge number of options, we just don’t know about them.
Your offer sounds very tempting, but unfortunately I have too much to do right now
With the phrase “this sounds very tempting,” you let the person know that his offer interests you. And the second part says that you would love to participate (or help), but at the moment you have too many urgent tasks.
It’s a nice refusal, but from my own experience I can say that for close friends or relatives it’s only suitable once or twice, and even then not in a row. If you refuse them in this way for the third time, the fourth time no one will offer you anything. This is especially true for picnics and other entertainment events.
Remember once or twice - and then either change your social circle (for some reason you constantly refuse them?), or finally go somewhere. What if you like it?
But for people you don’t see very often, this answer is perfect.
I'm very sorry, but when was the last time I did such and such, I had a negative experience
Mental or emotional trauma - another interesting option. Only a sadist will continue to insist that a person do something that he did not like. Or a complete optimist with the slogan “What if the second time is better?!”
Although with some grandmothers trying to feed their emaciated offspring, the answers “I don’t eat meat,” “I’m lactose intolerant,” or “I don’t like boiled vegetables” don’t work.
But if you say that the last time after you drank milk, you couldn’t be in society for the whole day because of stomach problems, you might be saved. Granny, of course, will look at you a little askance and with a slight reproach, but she will not pour it into the cup with the words: “Well, this is homemade, from Aunt Klava, nothing will come of it!”
I would love to, but...
Another good way refuse. You would love to help, but, unfortunately, you can’t at the moment. Just don't go into lengthy explanations of why.
Firstly, when you start explaining something in detail, you gradually begin to feel yourself. And secondly, in this way you give the person the opportunity to latch on to something in your story and persuade you.
Just a short and clear answer. No essays on the topic “I would love to, but you understand, I need to do...”.
To be honest, I don't know much about this. Why don't you ask N, he's a pro at this
This is by no means a switch.
If you've been asked to do something or give advice and you don't feel competent enough, why not suggest someone who really knows about it? This way you will not only not offend the person, but also show that you care and are trying to help as much as you can.
I can't do this, but I'll be happy to help with...
On the one hand, you refuse to do what they are trying to impose on you, on the other - Still, you help and at the same time choose what you want to do.
You look great, but I don't quite understand it
What to do if a friend bought a dress that, to put it mildly, doesn’t really suit her. Here the dilemma arises: who more friend» - the one who will tell the truth, or the one who will say that she looks great in all her outfits?! This applies not only to appearance, but also to the choice of apartment, job and life partner, in the end.
But who are we to talk freely about fashion? If we were, for example, famous designers, then we could criticize and immediately offer several other options to choose from.
And if not? Then either tell it like it is, if you are confident in the adequacy of your girlfriend or boyfriend, or turn the arrows on some celebrity from the world.
It sounds great! But, unfortunately, I have a very busy schedule now. Let me call you back...
This answer is great when the option is interesting, but right now you're not really in a position to help. This way, you not only do not offend the person, but also leave yourself the opportunity to join the offer that interests you a little later.
Even at psychology lectures at the university, we were taught that we must refuse by starting a sentence with the word “yes” and then adding the notorious “but”.
It works, however, not always. It all depends on the situation and the person. You won’t be able to fuss for a long time and sooner or later you will have to explain why it’s still “no”.
But if you are diplomatic and firm enough, then over time people will know that if you refuse, it is not because you are simply lazy or do not want to have anything to do with them, but because you are very busy man and you definitely can, but a little later. Ultimately, people must learn to respect you and your opinions. As are you, by the way. - someone else's.
Somehow, you have to figure out for yourself whether you really want to do this. You can only respond to an offer if you have clearly decided whether you need it or not. Tell yourself: “No, I don’t need this!”
Say no to your interlocutor. Don't be afraid to offend a person. If you do everything right, there will be no resentment or obvious anger. Give reasons for your refusal. Give why you cannot or do not want to fulfill the request. When speaking, use the pronoun “I” more often. Speak clearly without confusion. No, just give reasons!
State the reason for the refusal. The reason can be either real or fictitious. However, remember that it must be understandable to the interlocutor. He must agree with you and accept your refusal. Don't be rude or harsh. Speak calmly, direct your gaze to the bridge of the interlocutor’s nose. A shifting gaze and uncertainty can make it clear to your interlocutor that you feel uncomfortable, and he will put pressure on you.
Refuse by doing . When refusing, say something nice to your interlocutor. For example, you could say: " Great idea, But…". The person must understand that you want to fulfill his request and, if not for the circumstances, you would definitely fulfill it.
Repeat your refusal. Psychologists say that a person needs to hear a refusal three times before he understands that it is no longer possible to obtain consent. Be. Respond to all persuasion with a firm refusal. Be calm and control yourself.
Train with friends. Ask a friend to pester you with a request. Refuse him. Ask him to point out your shortcomings and mistakes when refusing: a shifting gaze, an uncertain voice,... Over time, rejection will become much easier for you.
Remember: when you refuse a person, you are not deliberately offending him, but doing what you need.
Sources:
- Encyclopedia of practical psychology
Instructions
You should start with something simple - recognize that there is a problem. Without this, it will be impossible to change the situation. Try to understand how selfless your relationship is. If you analyze, it is not difficult to see the motives that motivate your friend, loved one or colleague.
Try to identify moments that seem suspicious to you, and then gently and tactfully approach them in some detail. After this, observe his reaction. If a person does not pay special attention no matter what happened, your relationship is not in danger. But if a person shows and tries to get something from you again, it’s better to prepare yourself in advance for a quick breakup
Many people encounter obsessive people - they, as a rule, are benevolent, but very persistently want something from us. The Village understands how to politely refuse such people if fulfilling their unexpected requests and demands is not part of your plans.
Denis Lunev
psychologist, business coach
Most known method to solve such a problem is called “I-message”. This type of communication is used to express one’s attitude towards a person and a situation without getting personal. Take several sequential steps.
Step one: describe the situation as you see it. For example, “When they call me 20 times a day...” or “When they expect from me something that I cannot give...”. At this stage, the pronoun “you” should not be used.
The second step is a story about your feelings, emotions, experiences about what you said in the first step. For example, “I feel terribly upset,” or “I feel guilty,” or “I feel very unpleasant.”
The third step is a story about your desires: “I don’t want to ever pick up the phone again,” “I want peace and quiet,” “I want to hide.”
If the first three steps are taken sincerely, kindly, but directly, then they will have the desired effect and prepare your counterpart for the fourth message - a specific proposal. So, the last step: “...therefore, I ask you to call no more often than once every two days” or “... I ask you, do not give me any more gifts.”
It is important throughout the conversation to talk only about yourself, your feelings and your reactions. Then you will not hurt your partner, but at the same time you will clearly make your attitude and your desires clear.
Tatiana Vaiser
teacher of philosophy and ethics, Faculty of Philosophy and Sociology, RANEPA
Obsessive people may have a dulled sense of boundaries: they may not recognize you as a valuable unit in yourself, but simply pour out their feelings and thoughts outside, using you as a free resource of attention. You need to realize that your time and living space belongs primarily to you and you have the primary right to dispose of them. By imposing, a person seems to be telling you: “I will manage your time, space and attention more than I will allow you to do it yourself.” There is no reason to give him such a right.
In addition, obsessive people may not be able to imagine being in your situation in this situation, and if they were in it, they might not like it. For example, they would not like to waste time on something that is uninteresting or seems pointless. There is no need to cherish their illusions on this matter.
More often than not, clingy people feel like you can't refuse them. But you can’t refuse them, because you’re not entirely sure that this should be done, and you’re afraid of offending someone. You need to be clear about your values and goals in life. If you have defined them for yourself, you understand that time is a rather limited resource. You can spend it on nonsense, or you can manage to implement projects that are significant to you. When you realize your own and other people's boundaries and learn to appreciate this living space, everything will work out by itself. You will express yourself more confidently, and the sweet and clingy ones will sense in you sufficient strength of spirit and will to bypass them.
There are also simple rhetorical techniques - in a polite, calm and confident tone, say: “Sorry, I don’t have time to talk right now,” “Sorry, I’m busy with important business right now,” “Thank you, we don’t need your services,” “Sorry, I I’m not interested in this topic,” “Unfortunately, this format/mode of communication does not suit me.” And sometimes it is useful to simply stop responding to expressed communicative acts, for example, stopping correspondence or not answering phone calls, so that the person stops seeing you as a potential addressee.
Illustration: Olya Volk
