Dependency and intimacy
To depend on something or someone means to be influenced by someone or something, to be under the power of something or someone. Unfortunately, we often find ourselves under the influence of circumstances, conditions, certain people, and even under the power of potent drugs, tobacco, chocolate, or our will is guided by even stronger impulses.
Addiction in human relationships is perhaps one of the most severe types of addiction. Such dependence can be psychological, social, or physiological - sexual.
For a dependent person, the desire to be free and independent constantly struggles with the latent desire to belong to someone, to rely on someone, to trust someone, to be with someone all the time. Dependence between partners, one-sided or two-sided, occurs when we expect patronage and are not equal partners. One-sided dependence is the worst option. So, let's say. She loves Him and cannot imagine life without him, is unable to make decisions without His participation, and is dependent in her desires and thoughts on His mood.
If the dependence is two-sided, then it is probably love and people cannot live without each other, make decisions and act alone. But even in such a two-way dependence there is something not very good - this is the lack of integrity and a formed view of the world separately for everyone. This is the inability to live independently, the constant need for consolation and security, convenience and fulfillment.
Is it bad if loving people cannot live without each other? The point is not that they will be better off separately. It’s about ensuring that he or she doesn’t get lost in the partner’s personality and doesn’t find themselves completely helpless in the event of a lost relationship. A union of grace is a union not of dependence, but of mutual enrichment, when both individuals bring a lot of new and unique things into the relationship, when both individuals are independent, rare, original, they have something to give each other.
Psychological and social dependencies are often disguised, substitute relationships. Imaginary convenience - the husband’s salary allows the wife not to work and to have the means to meet her needs. Habit - he drinks, he makes scandals, but he is his own and ordinary. She is unfaithful, but beautiful - it is prestigious to appear with her at presentations and she decorates the house. Grumpy, but smart - she helps edit works and gives good advice. He is stable and reliable - he brings a salary, does not go out, has a living space. These are myths. And if, apart from these myths about stability and convenience, nothing connects people, then we can say that there is no closeness between these people. There is dependence and non-recognition of reality. You can live like this, but, in my opinion, such relationships are destructive to personality and human dignity.
But addictions can be very strong. Sexual addiction is especially strong. This dependence can arise from low self-esteem (even though there is such an intimate life, otherwise there won’t be any at all; it’s unlikely that I will be able to seduce a beauty, my appearance and virtues are below average), or it can be justified by the extraordinary sexual attractiveness of my partner.
When communication with a loved one gives rise to sweet torment, hatred and love at the same time, jubilation and sorrow, when there is gratitude for bringing joy, a feeling of bliss and happiness, and along with this an unpleasant feeling of bondage and the impossibility of living without him, then there is a dependent relationship.
I prefer the word "closeness". Relationships of intimacy are filled with life, each partner develops himself, shares with his partner both his inner and outer life. In a relationship of spiritual and sexual intimacy there is trust, there is no fear of suspicion and anger, there is a desire to be close and the time spent together is perceived as wonderful. Warmth and calm reign in intimate relationships, problems are solved as they arise together and together, the novelty of the relationship is maintained in your own bedroom, and not in casual relationships. Proximity does not imply benefactors and those dependent on someone else's benefits; it is a union of equals, not humiliated, but self-sufficient people who unite in good, mutually beneficial relationships.
What to do and how to develop such relationships? How to conquer a woman so that she wants to be conquered and, in turn, would conquer you, and such a conquest would be a joy for you? How to build relationships in which favor, goodwill, mutual assistance, and comradely cooperation become natural attributes of interaction?
Spiritual intimacy develops in the relationship between a man and a woman if they desire such development. People who know how to listen and hear their partner, who know how to feel and empathize with moods and, most importantly, accept the other for who they are, are more likely to have close relationships. Spiritual intimacy develops in people who know how to care for each other and enjoy it. When they know how to negotiate and bring joy to each other. When they do not allow each other to be manipulated, but behave honestly and openly. When the joys brought to each other do not require thanksgiving and reciprocal favors: “You give me - I give you.” When they do not demand fidelity as a ritual, but are naturally devoted to each other.
The concept of “intimacy” most often means intimate intimacy and sexual relationships. But intimate intimacy is also a spiritual closeness of individuals, and not a sexual relationship. It grows on the basis of mutual trust, which presupposes almost complete exposure of one’s feelings and sensations, a deep understanding of the partner’s inner world, natural tolerance for his not very pleasant habits, roughness and shortcomings.
If there is spiritual intimacy, then there will be harmony in sexual relationships, since neither partner will become isolated in their own undisclosed desires and fantasies. In a “state of intimacy” it will not be difficult for him to honestly and openly say what he wants, and giving pleasure to his beloved will become a natural desire, an urgent need. Altruism in sexual relationships is possible only in the presence of psychological intimacy.
You can love a lot, passionately, selflessly, but at the same time it is absolutely necessary to remain an individual with psychological and spiritual independence. In the presence of love, those who love grow “We” into something inseparable, holistic and mutually enriching. But at the same time, one’s own “I” is nurtured, protected and developed. It is under such conditions that we can talk about intimacy, because without the inner richness of the “I” it is hardly possible to give a feeling of need to another person.
Signs of addiction are an increased need for communication, a desire to constantly be nearby in order to maintain a sense of security and compensate for some of her own inferiority, the fear that as soon as we part, as soon as I give her freedom, she will immediately find someone else. You should sound the alarm and take action when you discover that most meetings happen on your initiative; it is you, not her, who are prolonging the time spent together. When you talk about your love more often, but she keeps quiet more, when you are overcome by anxiety, if you don’t see her nearby and don’t know where she is, when you feel bad, if she feels good somewhere without you, when there is a need to keep you under control all the time control of her thoughts, feelings, desires, when you want to know what she is doing at every moment of time. Obvious signs of addiction are the feeling that life cannot exist without it, when a petty quarrel becomes a disaster. In this case, it is even difficult to imagine what can happen when the relationship is interrupted. Love and addiction are not the same thing. Love is intimacy. The equality of “I” and “You” with the freedom of a separate “I” and a joint “We” - this is what we should strive for. This is love and intimacy, the other is dependence.
Human drives have three sources - soul, mind and body. The attractions of souls give rise to friendship. The attractions of the mind give rise to respect. The drives of the body give rise to desire. The combination of three attractions gives rise to love.
I recently asked a question to a young man: “What stages does the rapprochement between a man and a woman go through?” And this is what he replied:
- Emotional intimacy.
- Physical intimacy.
- Intellectual intimacy.
- Spiritual intimacy.
I think this point of view is popular among men. Indeed, more than once I received an offer to start dating with physical communication, that is, with sex, in order to understand whether we are suitable for each other. Okay, we checked, what next? And then there’s this: with this option, intimacy does not arise at any level. I have a sex therapist friend who told me that the most common problem for people who have lived together for 5, 10, 15, 20 years is that they do not know each other and are not truly close people. People live together, have children, sleep in the same bed for years, have sex, relax together and solve common problems. But at the same time, each of the spouses may have a person (or even several) much closer than their other half. There is even an opinion that true emotional intimacy is only possible between people of the same sex.
Is it so? How do friends get closer? Two people meet (two women or two men), they don’t know each other yet, they don’t know anything at all about each other, but they have already made a first impression about each other. This impression is fleeting, instinctive and, as a rule, completely irrational. That is, this is an impression at the level of feelings. Personally, my feelings in the very first second of communication place a person into one of the categories: I like the person, I don’t like the person, or I am indifferent. I think this is the potential for spiritual intimacy. Then the rapprochement begins (or does not begin), the search for common ground. We look for common interests, common views, similar thoughts and emotions. If we find it, good, the relationship begins to develop; if we don’t find it, the relationship does not begin. Then, as communication continues, the relationship deepens, somewhere we adapt to each other, somewhere we change, somewhere we simply exchange information and emotions - and there is more and more in common. Relationships develop gradually and rapprochement occurs gradually. No one will let an unfamiliar person into their soul. Unless a person hungry for intimacy finds some safe option to pour out his soul (for example, to a priest or a random fellow traveler), but this is more likely not spiritual intimacy, but rather pouring the material accumulated inside into a trash can. Harmonious relationships are possible when emotional, intellectual and spiritual rapprochement occurs in parallel and gradually. When we don’t try to jump over several steps at once, but slowly but surely rise to true intimacy.
In the relationship between a man and a woman there is another aspect - physical. And here for some reason it is customary to jump over all the steps at once. So why be surprised that such closeness often ends in “fractures”. This is similar to if you are baking pancakes and place the very edge of the pan on the fire. Will you be surprised that on one side your pancake is already charred, and the rest is still raw? It’s the same with intimacy, it needs to be heated over low heat and from all sides at the same time.
Question to dear men: “You often say: “Don’t get into my soul”, - you can even say this to your own wife, and you will certainly say this to an unfamiliar girl who asks too frank questions. You value and respect your soul so much and protect it from arrogant intrusions. So why do you think it’s normal to climb into my body after five minutes of acquaintance? And why are you so outraged by my careful and respectful attitude towards him and my protection of him from arrogant intrusions?
You speak: "I want to find a soul mate", - but at the same time you begin to get acquainted with the body. Forgive me, gentlemen, but my soul is not in the place that you are so eager to “climb” into.
Look around, look at your relationships, at the relationships of your friends, observe, analyze. Do you see real closeness, unity? Most likely no. More often we see couples who live together out of habit, some even practically don’t talk to each other anymore, they are connected only by everyday life, children and nothing else. Even sometimes there is no physical intimacy left, but what kind of unity of souls can we talk about? Neither about
which one.
Why is this happening? Because we live in a time when the material, physical world is much more important than what is happening “behind the scenes.” We are still fixated on things, new gadgets, cars, we measure people by their appearance, by what watch a man has on his wrist, what establishment he takes us to, what he can afford (and then us). It goes without saying that we build relationships with the same message. Of course, not all, but many, the majority. There are so many social experiments on the topic of money and how a girl is “led” by an expensive car. The poor guy on the bike is not inspiring, give everyone luxury and gloss. So what kind of soul can we be talking about here, when initially the guidelines are different?
But men are no better, they also want beautiful, well-groomed, smart and decent-looking people. Are they interested in our soul? More often than not.
And when two such people meet, they meet on material grounds. The rest either goes in the background or is completely hidden so that they never see it. They spend time together, go somewhere, learn something about each other, then they can get married, have children, bury themselves in everyday life (again, the material world). Months, years pass, the passion has gone somewhere, sex has become boring, everything has become insipid and boring... And a real miracle happens - these two understand that they don’t know each other at all, that they are strangers, they are nothing to each other. Yes, they acquired things, acquaintances, children, real estate, common habits, but they did not recognize each other, they did not have a unity of souls.
Do you know, for example, what your chosen one dreams of, what he is most afraid of, what the most terrible story was in his life, what feelings he experiences at one time or another, what touches him most, and what touches him to the core? How attentive are you to your chosen one? Or are you ready to hit him in the most painful places at the moment of a quarrel? Are you focusing only on yourself? What is most important to you in this relationship? Are you ready to make concessions, step on your own throat, remain silent somewhere, and most importantly, understand and feel your partner? And he you? Do you have a tandem or a one-goal game? Or maybe everyone is for himself and everyone holds their own?
I never tire of repeating that relationships are titanic work on both sides. Unfortunately, we often forget about true spiritual closeness and kinship, which also require our close attention, perseverance, courage and sincerity. We must be able to listen and hear, look and look closely, absorb information about our loved one, we must feel him with our skin. And if this happens on both sides, only then will it be a very strong and indestructible couple, which is not afraid of any adversity and no outside influence.
Think about this at your leisure, and I wish you all true love and all-consuming happiness!
Remember, whoever you are, be better!
Sincerely,
Female life coach, tarot reader and astropsychologist Anna Merzlyakova
For any questions write to [email protected].
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There is such a lack of spiritual intimacy between people these days. Everyone is moving away from each other. They strive for loneliness, as if there is happiness in solitude. Most people think that all misfortunes come from other people. That other people bring a lot of suffering. Therefore, they try to protect themselves by moving away from people. Where can we look for spiritual closeness, if even physically we are far from each other?
There is no need to talk about spiritual intimacy between a man and a woman. Family and family values are gone. They cease to be important and relevant. Fewer and fewer people are thinking about how to preserve love and family. Relationships between a man and a woman are increasingly becoming consumer-based. You for me, I for you.
Or a relationship without obligations.
But despite all this, a person is drawn to the spiritual. In our time, the need for spirituality has increased significantly. Many believe that the spiritual is only that which is associated with religion, spiritual practices, as well as esoteric teachings. But all this no longer fills or satisfies our need for the spiritual. People leave disappointed, having never found what they were looking for... What to do now?
Look elsewhere.
Men and women began to talk to each other less and less about emotional topics. But it is in intimate conversations that the very invisible connection that connects a man and a woman is born. An emotional connection contributes to the creation of that same spiritual intimacy between a man and a woman. When you feel that souls merge into one soul and become something single, indivisible, whole. You can understand what an emotional, spiritual connection is, and learn how to create and develop relationships based on them at the training “System-vector psychology” by Yuri Burlan. Register using this link.
Spiritual connections begin with paired relationships, with a deep understanding of each other. It is important to remember that the tone in such relationships is set by the woman. And the man picks it up, and the relationship begins to develop further and stronger. And so on ad infinitum. This is love with the sign of infinity.
Spiritual intimacy gives meaning to life. Fills. Gives a feeling of joy and happiness to the one who experiences it. And sexual sensations become much brighter, much deeper. All this is confirmed repeatedly by the results of people who left their reviews on the main portal System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan.
Give yourself a chance to be happy and experience spiritual intimacy. Come to introductory free online lectures. You will not regret.
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Relationship Basics
This is perhaps the most pleasant and most short-lived basis of relationships in the absence of other bringing factors together - most often they begin with partners attracting each other physically. Mutual sympathy and attraction can burn out very quickly, even without the notorious physical contact, if they are not combined with other levels of attractiveness. In order to stay together, you need something much more than just passion, and it seems to me that everyone knows this feeling - when you really want to be together, but in your mind you understand that apart from “chemistry” nothing unites you with a person. On the other hand, relationships that are built on other foundations in the absence of physical attraction cannot give people complete satisfaction. You can’t remove the words from a song, and this is exactly the case.
This is a community of interests, an intellectual “bewitchment” of each other: even if you do not hold the same views on everything, you are happy to share points of view, are able to understand and teach each other. What is important here is not only approximate equality in intellectual development, but also the direction of this development: both people can be smart, but their interests do not intersect at any point, or there is a constant clash of views. American films often illustrate the impossibility of a man and a woman being together if one of them is a staunch Democrat and the other is an ardent Republican. In our country, political views do not play such a big role, but partners’ life priorities must coincide.
This is the highest and most difficult to explain level of intimacy. In my understanding, closeness in spirit is, firstly, accepting your partner as he is, and the characteristics of his character as part of a single whole, and not trying to change him. If he himself changes (and this inevitably happens in the process of development), accept these changes with love and joy for your loved one. Secondly, spiritual intimacy allows us to experience love that is “giving” rather than “taking”: in the first case, we want to give happiness to our partner, and in the second, we want to receive from him. On a spiritual level, we understand that giving love is the highest happiness for ourselves. Thirdly, relationships in which there is spiritual intimacy motivate us to work on ourselves and develop - not because this is required of us, but because this is our sincere desire.
Relationship Basics
When you hear the question “what is the basis of a successful (mature, good, strong) relationship?”, what comes to mind? From somewhere in my childhood I remember the phrases: “mutual understanding”, “respect”, “support” - and I do not in the least belittle the importance of these components in a relationship, but, in my opinion, this is still not their basis. I was prompted to write this article by one of the short stories that are part of the wonderful Russian film “Stories,” called “A Flame Will Kindle.” I won't spoil it because I hope you, dear readers, will watch the film for yourself, but the gist is this: if a relationship lacks the very foundations I want to talk about, it will inevitably fall apart, like a house of cards without a foundation.
Oh please! In order for a relationship to be happy, and, most importantly, long-lasting, four foundations are needed, or rather, intimacy:
- on the physical level,
- on the emotional
- intellectual,
- and, finally, spiritual.
I’m willing to bet that I didn’t discover America for you, but try to analyze your last relationship - did they have all the listed fundamentals or not? I immediately remembered an example from my own life, which was based only on the first type of intimacy.
Physical intimacy. This is perhaps the most pleasant and most short-lived basis of relationships in the absence of other bringing factors together - most often they begin with partners attracting each other physically. Mutual sympathy and attraction can burn out very quickly, even without the notorious physical contact, if they are not combined with other levels of attractiveness. In order to stay together, you need something much more than just passion, and it seems to me that everyone knows this feeling - when you really want to be together, but in your mind you understand that apart from “chemistry” nothing unites you with a person.
On the other hand, relationships that are built on other foundations in the absence of physical attraction cannot give people complete satisfaction. You can’t remove the words from a song, and this is exactly the case.
Emotional intimacy. People are attracted to each other according to different principles, for example, similarity or opposition of temperaments. I don’t know a formula that would guarantee success here, I only know that if you are emotionally uncomfortable with a person, if he dominates you, or you discover behavior that is not typical for you around him, you literally change beyond recognition, and you can say “that’s not me.” ", such relationships are doomed. I believe that we can change and mutually enrich each other in relationships, but if a partner, for example, reinforces your bad qualities, this is the opposite direction of healthy development. One of the most precious gifts that a relationship gives is the opportunity to be yourself, and you cannot refuse it, just as you cannot agree to the conditions when you have to be someone else.
In my understanding, emotional intimacy is also the speed with which both partners move forward in the relationship, going through the stages of infatuation, falling in love, and coming to love. You won't necessarily arrive second to second, but it is important to understand where and how you are going, and for this you need to talk.
Intellectual intimacy. This is a community of interests, an intellectual “bewitchment” of each other: even if you do not hold the same views on everything, you are happy to share points of view, are able to understand and teach each other. The lack of closeness of minds is what ruined the heroes of the short story that I mentioned at the beginning of the article, and it also ruined many other relationships. What is important here is not only approximate equality in intellectual development, but also the direction of this development: both people can be smart, but their interests do not intersect at any point, or there is a constant clash of views. American films often illustrate the impossibility of a man and a woman being together if one of them is a staunch Democrat and the other is an ardent Republican. In our country, political views do not play such a big role, but partners’ life priorities must coincide.
Spiritual intimacy. This is the highest and most difficult to explain level of intimacy. In my understanding, closeness in spirit is, firstly, accepting your partner as he is, and the characteristics of his character as part of a single whole, and not trying to change him. If he himself changes (and this inevitably happens in the process of development), accept these changes with love and joy for your loved one. Secondly, spiritual intimacy allows us to experience love that is “giving” rather than “taking”: in the first case, we want to give happiness to our partner, and in the second, we want to receive from him. On a spiritual level, we understand that giving love is the highest happiness for ourselves. Thirdly, relationships in which there is spiritual intimacy motivate us to work on ourselves and develop - not because this is required of us, but because this is our sincere desire.
Of course, we learn best from experience, but there are some things we can do in advance to determine whether two people have what it takes to create true love and a long-lasting, productive relationship. Ask yourself and your partner questions: “how, in what direction should the relationship develop?”, “what is the common goal?”, “why do we want to build a happy union - just to pass the time or for the sake of joyful and meaningful joint growth?” Being honest with yourself and each other can prevent you from getting into a relationship that has no future because some of the fundamentals are missing.
Sources:
Spiritual closeness of people
What is it like, spiritual intimacy between a man and a woman? Read in the article.
http://neobhodimo.com/un/713-dukhovnaya-blizost-lyudej
Relationship Basics
The foundations of relationships This is perhaps the most pleasant and most short-lived basis of relationships in the absence of other bringing factors together - most often they begin with partners attracting each other
http://www.pportrait.ru/%D0%BE%D1%81%D0%BD%D0%BE%D0%B2%D1%8B-%D0%BE%D1%82%D0%BD%D0% BE%D1%88%D0%B5%D0%BD%D0%B8%D0%B9/
Relationship Basics 1
Relationship Basics When you hear the question “what is the basis of a successful (mature, good, strong) relationship?”, what comes to your mind? Somewhere from childhood I remember the phrases:
http://improve-me.ru/9843
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When people hear the word "intimacy", they most often think of sex, and although this can include sex, it does not have to be. Intimacy is about being together, creating and maintaining a connection, which is a fundamental part of any relationship - with or without sex.
There are 5 types of intimacy, and each of them affects relationships differently:
1. Emotional intimacy.
This is the unity of the minds and feelings of two people. The point is to share your experiences and experiences. To recognize your partner for who he is, recognize the importance of any of his feelings and emotions, and put him above all else.
2. Physical intimacy.
This is when you begin to understand your partner's feelings and attitude. This level of intimacy may include sex, but also hugs and touching.
3. Intellectual intimacy.
This is a vital form of intimacy for many couples and friends. When you share your thoughts and opinions on the issues that are most important to you. You talk about your beliefs, principles and worldview. In addition, you can simply discuss interesting philosophical and life issues together, and even just movies and music. This is an intellectual connection.
4. Spiritual intimacy.
Many believe that it is from this type of intimacy that all others develop. This means being together, feeling each other on a special level. If you are religious, pray together, if not, meditate, thank life that you are together, promise to try for the sake of your relationship.
5. Recreational proximity.
A level of intimacy in which you feel absolute comfort and joy in activities together. When you feel good together, no matter what you do, but mostly it involves active entertainment, new impressions, experience.
