Last time we talked to you about children's love, which comes to our babies before puberty. Today I propose to discuss teenage love, try to figure out what it is, how to respond correctly to your child’s feelings and help him cope with them.
Puberty is such a complex and mysterious stage of development in the lives of adolescents. At the age of 12-16 years, our children experience intense love, becoming more distracted, apathetic, their mood changes at the speed of sound, and their academic performance decreases. And it is parents who in this situation must take on the role of wise mentors to help their children get through this difficult time. After all, who knows in advance, what if your teenager met his fate?
You shouldn’t take the news of falling in love as a tragedy on a global scale and throw hysterics about it with wringing of hands, fainting and terrible thoughts in the style: “Oh, it’s too early for him to fall in love, he should only have studies in his head.” Remember yourself at this age, your experiences, tossing, fear of confessing to your parents, horror at the thought that someone else besides you will find out about your feelings. Do you remember? And how did you feel? If you are lucky and your parents supported you, do the same with your child. And, if you were unlucky as a teenager, and adults just brushed you off, slapping you on the wrist and punishing you along the way (as was the case with me), you shouldn’t do the same. The opinion that “I coped and survived, and therefore you can too,” can be fatal for your child. Unfortunately, the thought of suicide due to unrequited love and misunderstanding with parents visits teenagers quite often, so they can simply brush it off and not pay attention. If you see that something is wrong with a child, try to have a heart-to-heart talk with him, frankly.
If a child falls in love, then it’s time.
You will have to come to terms with this - the child has grown up. He has grown so much that he is ready to love and accept love. And if you set boundaries: it’s too early for you or he (she) is not a match for you, you will lose the teenager’s trust. What to do, what to do? Let's turn to psychologists for help and see what they recommend.
1. To begin with, you should not elevate yourself above a teenager and put pressure on you with your parental authority - this will provoke a desire to act contrary to you.
2. Your child must understand that you are with him, that his problems are your problems, his experiences are your experiences and that you understand him perfectly.
3. You should not make fun of his feelings - they are too important for teenagers, and your ridicule can hurt him, alienating him from you.
4. Try to choose a calm form of communication so that there is no irritation or mutual aggression - children are already confused by the feelings that have arisen, and then their closest relatives and friends start scandals.
5. No one excludes the possibility that your child’s chosen one or chosen one does not entirely correspond to your parental plans - however, it’s not up to you to choose, in any case, in the most acute period of love, you certainly won’t do anything. You shouldn’t make fun of his sympathy by responding unflatteringly and derogatorily; it’s better to find kind, affectionate words - it’s easy to lose a child’s trust and hard to regain.
6. Super-caring parents will immediately try to give a lecture on the topic of early sexual activity, its dangers, diseases and consequences. Of course, sex education for teenagers is necessary, the main thing is not to overdo it and not provoke excessive interest in that very “forbidden fruit.”
7. To have a clear idea of the object of your child’s adoration, invite him to visit. What will this give you? You will get to know him personally and form your own, objective opinion about him. And it’s better to let them see you at home, in front of your eyes, than somewhere in the gateways. Just don’t “strangle” the young lovers with excessive care, give them a little freedom of action.
8. Choose a good moment and tell about your first love, your experiences, how and how it all ended, what experience you gained.
9. Do not prevent a teenager from making decisions on his own, to take a better look at his object of sympathy, even if he is disappointed in him - this will be his decision, not yours.
And how can you communicate with him, a lover?
A teenager in love does not fully understand what is happening to him: hormones are seething, his mood is up and down, sometimes I love it, sometimes I hate it. Definitely, he needs your support: you are older, you are more experienced, after all, you have already been through this. And young Romeo and Juliet, who so want to be adults, are still on the path of gaining experience and your valuable advice, truthful answers to questions, openness and desire to help will be very helpful.
When a child is in love, he wants to be better, look more beautiful and neat. It's time to teach your offspring how to properly put things in a closet, how to take care of themselves, and a reminder about hygiene would be a good idea. You can go shopping together and pick up a few new things for your child, or beautiful accessories for a girl. In a word, take an active part in the transformation of the child. Your offspring will definitely not hear lectures about their deteriorating studies, but careful conversations on this topic are still worth having. Try to convey to him that quality education is an excellent start for the future and love in this matter is not a hindrance, but on the contrary, an excellent helper. Help plan your day so that you have enough time to do your homework.
Of course, it’s easy to give advice and you can write anything you want, but let’s talk honestly, parents. Answer me this question: Are you scared of your teenager falling in love? Why? What exactly is the source of anxiety? Fear that your child may experience unrequited love? What will suffer and do a bunch of stupid things in this state? Or do you personally not want to worry about this?
In any case, whatever your answers, remember that this is your child, but not property. And he grows, his problems and difficulties also take on a more adult character. Whether you like it or not, he is in love. And it is in your power to help him cope with this avalanche of emotions that are still incomprehensible, let the child feel that you are with him, you are nearby and will always help. Throw your fears and parental jealousy out of your head - they are not helping you. Our children deserve respect, they do not need prohibitions and boundaries, they need our support and love.
Romeo and Juliet - the other side of love.
Let's talk a little about bad habits. Above, I already cited as an example the advice of a psychologist that it is better to get to know the object of your child’s adoration in person. And if you notice that something is wrong with your chosen one, do not rush to immediately throw him out the door. It’s better to talk to your teenager later and try to find out in more detail who his chosen one is and from what family. The age of 14-16 years is a time of experimentation, when yesterday’s children try to imitate adults: they try smoking, get acquainted with alcohol, alas, but also with drugs. And here it is important not to miss the moment when a teenager turns from an interested person to an addict.
Sports, all kinds of interest groups, sections - this is the distraction that will help you protect your teenager from an early introduction to adult life. There is no point in scolding, punishing, and even more so beating. As I wrote above, this can provoke action “in spite of”. Conversations that are even better supported by relevant literature will be more effective.
Due to misunderstandings with my parents, I started smoking at the age of 13, and by the age of 15 I became acquainted with alcohol. All this was done in spite of parental prohibitions: don’t go, don’t play, stay at home and study your homework. It is a miracle that with such behavior I did not end up in bad company, but graduated from school decently and was able to enter a university and receive a higher education.
The first sexual experience is also acquired at this age: some learn to kiss, and some acquire a sexual partner. And here it is worth reminding you that conversations with your children about sex education should begin from early childhood, presenting information in accordance with the age of your child. A teenager who knows where and how children come from, what sex is and what the consequences can be is unlikely to want full intimacy at this age.
Let's summarize.
Love is, of course, always wonderful! This is a feeling that elevates a person, motivating him to take actions that were previously unusual for him. This is a set of emotions that cannot be described in one sentence, but without this feeling human life is not perfect. And when our children fall in love, we should not disturb them by creating an obstacle course on the way to the object of their affection. Help them, so young and inexperienced, teach them to respect their chosen ones, to appreciate, to be sensitive and attentive, and caring.
Remember, dear parents, that now you are helping your child learn to love, and how closely and sincerely you take part in his life depends on how he will build relationships with the opposite sex in adulthood.
Love...What a wonderful, amazing feeling... Everyone sees and understands it in their own way. Everyone feels and senses it differently.
Teenagers... They have the most incredible, wonderful love. But the parents, they are precisely afraid of her. When they see their child kissing at the entrance, they are seized with a strange horror. At that moment, they completely forget that they once experienced the same thing. You shouldn’t scold a teenager for kissing: you should understand how important and beautiful it is at this age.
Love in adolescence. In general, a lot of changes occur during this age period. Teenagers' mood changes very sharply: now they are laughing, but literally a minute later they can already be walking around, overwhelmed with thoughts and sadness.
Adolescence is dangerous. However, parents often do not take this into account and “play with fire.” They are afraid for their children, afraid that they will make many mistakes. However, paradoxically, it is the parents themselves who make mistakes in relation to their teenage children. Everyone knows that at this time children’s appearance changes greatly. Parents, jokingly, may say something like: “What a big nose you have.” For a child this is a disaster. He will take this quite seriously, he will develop complexes about his nose... Ultimately, he will “smoothly move” through all parts of his body, inventing completely unfounded “ugliness” of his appearance.
Teenagers– very vulnerable and impressionable. They perceive even the most ordinary pimple (the smallest size) with hostility. So, dear parents, on the contrary, try to emphasize the advantages of your child’s appearance so that he feels as confident as possible.
Love in adolescence, adolescence. If your child suddenly starts locking himself in his room and starts hanging out on the phone for hours, we can assume that he has fallen in love. What vivid, indescribable feelings a teenager experiences at such a moment! However, it goes away quickly. Adolescence is “the age of a thousand loves.” It is for this reason that a boy, for example, can “idolize” one girl, but he can, at the same time, date two. But at first, it seemed that I fell in love once and for all...
Don't demand your teenager obey you “one hundred percent”, there is no need to punish him by saying: “That’s it, don’t go outside today.” Communication with friends, new acquaintances, new experiences is very important for them... They can fall into terrible depression if they don’t see the one they suddenly fell in love with (for a long time or not, it doesn’t matter).
Psychology of teenage love. In general, if you do not want your child to move away from you, become a friend for him, gain his trust. Then he will tell you everything, share his experiences, ask for advice. Thus, you will take a “winning position”: you will no longer need to be at a loss about what is happening to your son (daughter), how he (she) lives and breathes.
If in adolescence love is like a “hurricane,” then in adolescence this feeling is more moderate and calm. Youthful love is unusual. It has its own “uniqueness”. For example, it is already interesting that friendship and love, at this age, are very closely intertwined. Friendship can easily “float” into love, and love into the process of courtship. Of course, few people at this age begin to seriously think about getting married. However, it is youthful love that “lives” in our memories forever.
Main What worries boys and girls at this age is precisely the external manifestations of love. Many questions arise about the first date, about kissing...
E If we talk about dating, then there are many different nuances. Such, for example, as the choice of clothing, choice of makeup (for girls), behavioral manners...
Kiss is the first step towards intimacy. By the way, boys attach much more importance to the intimate side of relationships than girls: their emotional side dominates.
Psychology of parents. Unfortunately, parents often interfere in the lives of their children. And it’s very disappointing when a son comes to introduce his girlfriend to his mother, and her mother doesn’t like her at all (either in appearance, or in character, or for some other reason). Naturally, quarrels and scandals begin, which, strictly speaking, are not needed by anyone. The guy is confused: who to choose...Mom or his girlfriend? You can't choose here!This is unfair! Dear parents, your child will forever remain your child, but he will never be your puppet, a toy whose fate you have the right to control. Perhaps you are simply jealous of your son (your daughter) for his (her) other half. But you must understand: absolutely every person has his own “legal” right to his personal life, and absolutely every person always has a place in his heart that is “dedicated to the one (or the only one), and not to you, parents. The choice is unequal. Mom is a parent, and the chosen one (chosen one) is a person with whom life may be connected. The parent who puts his children before such a choice is wrong.
Accept and come to terms with your children's choices. After all, you want them to be happy, right? Then, it is quite logical that if your daughter or your son has chosen their soul mate, then there is something in her that will certainly make them happy. Even if this “union” is not forever, let the lovers enjoy each other, and do not continue to point out the shortcomings of your supposed “son-in-law” or “daughter-in-law.” Put yourself in your child's shoes. Well? What's it like? How would you feel if your parents did the same to you, “exposing” you to difficult and stupid choices? Just don't talk that you would choose parents. Don't lie to yourself: you wouldn't choose them, you'd simply do what they want, that's all. And they themselves would suffer, spend sleepless nights, look for flaws in their loved one (which, in fact, are not there), convince themselves that their parents are right, and so on. But you can’t deceive the heart... It will always “beat” those it loves, it will always “feel” the one who is so dear to it. Don't break hearts, filled n present L love!
What should parents do when their child manages to fall in love for the first time? First of all, do not underestimate the situation, because a child in love can accomplish any feat in the name of feeling. But you shouldn’t overestimate the situation either.
Under no circumstances should children be prohibited, denied, or limited in relation to the object of their first love. This will only escalate the situation and provoke “exploits.” The most important thing is to become the child’s best friend at this moment. And for this you need to sympathize and understand. Of course, you know from your own experience that there will be no trace left of this emotional typhoon. But it is not recommended to convey this important experience to a child, and, moreover, to make fun of him: he will simply close himself off from you.
Try to turn negative into positive. Not with jokes, but with conversations about what love is and how wonderful it really is. The task is to remove the overly tragic assessment and redirect it to a lyrical mood. For example, you can talk about how Petrarch dedicated sonnets to his Laura. Better yet, read to him verses of your own composition, which were once born in his youth under the influence of the same first love.
In a word, redirect the thoughts of your son or daughter in love to creativity, and you can even take part in this - together compose music and lyrics to the theme of your child’s love. This is a very effective method - literally in a few days there will be no trace of the tragedy left.
Unhappy love
First teenage love often becomes synonymous with unhappy love. Reason: a teenager wants intense feelings, and he subconsciously chooses exactly the object of love that is inaccessible. In this case, there is no need to explain anything from the point of view of reason and logic. And in general, love at any age cannot be curbed in this way. But expressing feelings in creativity helps a lot.
“Mastering” bad habits quite often occurs precisely during the period of the first unhappy teenage love. And not at all because the pain is so strong that you want to forget. But, on the contrary, to make the intensity of the experienced feelings maximum. But there is no need to impose restrictions here either. It is important to understand that, for example, a cigarette in this case is a cry for help. And help is needed because the teenager does not know what can be done in this situation.
And this is where the help of parents comes in handy. The child needs to act to attract the attention of the object of his unhappy love. If you help him with good advice, if you together create a concrete plan for “conquest,” then you will take the right step.
Inner feelings burst out and result in actions. Let these actions be constructive. By the way, this will also distract you from suicidal thoughts. We all know that in adolescence one rarely really wants to die; suicide in this case is a means of attracting attention. And, unfortunately, the suicide attempt may be completed... That is why it is best to organize vigorous activity, but before that it does not hurt to start crying with your child in an embrace.
Plan for love
So, let's summarize. If your child experienced his first teenage love:
1. Don’t dissuade, don’t dissuade, don’t laugh, don’t forbid, don’t say that this will pass, and especially don’t be indifferent to it.
2. Discuss the situation, listen to your child’s ode to the object of love. Feel this, say that you know that your child simply cannot love an unworthy person.
3. Tell us about your first love, read your children's poems. In a word, reorient your child towards creativity.
4. Don't talk about sex, talk about the positive aspects of love, how it changes, and how necessary it is. Encourage this feeling in your child.
5. Make an action plan. It is important to act to win love: flowers, songs, poems. Changes in appearance, behavior - do you catch the moment when it will be so easy for you to wean your child from what spoils him in the eyes of his loved one?! In general, teach your child to be romantic. And he will have something to do instead of smoking, drinking or cutting his wrists. You will be calmer!
It’s not for nothing that people say, “little children are little troubles.” As your yesterday's baby grows, more and more new troubles and problems appear. Just yesterday, my mother was looking for answers to questions related to raising her baby. And today she is feverishly looking for any information about such a phenomenon as the manifestation of love among teenagers 14 years old, and sometimes even younger.
No matter how much parents deny the fact that their child has grown up, and no matter how much they drive away the idea of possible teenagers falling in love, and even more so about teenage sex, almost no one can avoid this. Don't believe me? Try to strain your memory and remember yourself at this age. Surely, you will remember your first love - so pure and bright, when it seemed that this love would last forever. And the chosen one or chosen one seemed to be the most ideal people in the world.
So why do parents, having heard that their child has encountered his first love, refuse to believe this fact and take it for granted? Often, parents begin to prove to their child that he is still too young for love, that this is not love at all, without listening to any persuasion and admonitions from their child. But this is not the worst thing parents can do.
A much bigger mistake, which is quite common, is ridiculing the child’s feelings. The consequences of such a line of parental behavior can be the saddest. Moreover, the loss of mutual understanding and contact between parents and their child is far from the worst option. Sometimes, unfortunately, a desperate teenager in love may even try to commit suicide. Especially if this very first love turns out to be unrequited.
Also, very often the chosen one or chosen one of your child becomes a cause for disagreement. In almost all cases, this has been the case for a long time, but their parents do not like the choice of children at all. Those parents who turn out to be a little wiser than others prefer to keep all criticism about the choice of their son or daughter to themselves. However, alas, most often parents, during emotional input, without particularly choosing words and expressions, tell the child everything they think about his significant other.
As a result, a difficult, tense psychological situation reigns in the house - the parents have endless conversations in the spirit of “mama didn’t grow the berries for him,” the child snaps. Agree – it’s far from the brightest prospect. And in order not to find themselves in such an unpleasant situation, parents must be fully armed.
After all, it often happens that all parental dissatisfaction and anxiety turn out to be absolutely justified. Unfortunately, no matter how parents might want it, the social circle of modern teenagers is quite large and includes not only positive boys and girls.
And for some reason, very often teenagers choose their soul mates from the so-called antipodes - people completely opposite to themselves. Look around - you will probably remember several couples in which the partners, at first glance, seem completely unsuitable for each other. The boy is an excellent student, a university student, dating a poorly educated and rather promiscuous high school student. Or, on the contrary, a girl - a Komsomol member, a pioneer and simply a beauty who doted on the first bastard and hooligan of the yard.
Sometimes their friendships and relationships are completely innocent and do absolutely no harm to the teenager. However, this is not always the case, unfortunately. How many times have teenagers, trying to be like their significant other, started smoking, trying alcoholic beverages, and even drugs. But this is not a complete list of what a child who finds himself in a socially disadvantaged environment may be drawn into.
So that, to the best of their ability, parents can prevent such situations, support their child morally, and where it is really necessary, control the child, or, on the contrary, give him a little more will, and you need to know everything about such things as teenagers falling in love.
Signs of a teenager falling in love
Child and family psychologists unanimously assert that adolescence is one of the most difficult years both for the child himself and for all the adults around him. And this is not surprising - after all, it is during adolescence that a child begins to actively manifest such a character trait as teenage negativism.
It manifests itself in the fact that the teenager begins to question absolutely all the words of adults and tries to refute them, not in discussion, but in practice. Mom says smoking is bad for your health? This means that you need to smoke and see in six months what comes of it. Dad said that you need to be home no later than ten o'clock in the evening? We should try coming at 11 and see what happens.
In addition, almost all teenagers at some point begin to feel that adults are meddling too much not only into the soul, but also into the life of the child. Especially if adults only confirm his assumptions with their behavior. There are several basic taboos that psychologists strongly recommend against breaking:
- Do not rummage through children's things - pockets, bags, desk drawers. Remember that the child will most likely perceive this behavior as a manifestation of the parents' distrust of him.
- The same is true for mobile phones and computers - don't mess with them. Believe me, if your teenage child wants to watch porn videos, he will watch them anyway, not at home, but with friends.
Otherwise, your child will close within himself more tightly than a clam in its shell. After all, even in that case. If the relationship between parents and children is simply ideal, in adolescence they still try not to let their parents into their lives again. And therefore, most often, attentive parents can find out that your child has fallen in love only by signs of falling in love, because it is unlikely that the child will be able to hide all his thoughts and emotions. So, these signs include:
- Child's time at home
If previously your child could spend days on end reading a book or at the computer, but recently he has increasingly begun to disappear away from home, returning later than usual, this may be a sign that he has fallen in love. And, of course, he tries to spend all his free time with his passion.
In such a case, the parents’ biggest mistake would be prohibitions on spending time outside the home. The child will begin to violently protest against such a ban, and may simply hate you. Of course, after some time this hatred will disappear without a trace, but for quite a long time, both the parents and the teenager will experience hassle.
It makes much more sense to give your child a little more freedom than usual. Although, of course, one should never forget about the boundaries of what is reasonable - it is unacceptable to allow a teenager to return in the morning. However, allow your son or daughter to return home at least an hour later than usual. Believe me, he will definitely appreciate your trust!
- Increased phone talk time
Often, when a teenager gets a boyfriend or girlfriend, they begin to spend much more time talking on the phone. Moreover, if previously the child, without any regard, talked on the phone in your presence, now he tries to leave the room or at least move a little further away from you so that you do not hear the conversation.
Moreover, many parents are very worried about this, believing that the child is hiding something criminal from them. However, in fact, for the most part, all these conversations are essentially completely harmless. And the child leaves only because, considering himself already quite an adult, he strives for some autonomy and independence. There is no need to worry about this - very soon this desire will pass without a trace, immediately after youthful maximalism disappears.
- Request for more pocket money
As a rule, this point is fair for boys. And this is not surprising - after all, fortunately, despite any emancipation and other “charms” of modern life, there are still quite a lot of real representatives of the stronger sex who prefer to pay their own expenses for dates. And parents should be glad that they managed to raise a real man, even if he is still very young.
Try, to the best of your family’s financial capabilities, to give your son a little more money so that he can take his girlfriend to a cafe, or at least pay for her travel on public transport. Otherwise, the child will begin to independently seek the opportunity to find money.
And if we take into account the fact that not always a teenager can earn money, parents should seriously think about it. There is no guarantee that your son will not start stealing money from you. And this is in the best case, but in the worst case, the son may become involved in various illegal actions, and as a result he will have quite serious problems with the law. After all, it’s unlikely that you want this?
- Teenager's mood
A change in a teenager's mood may also indicate that he or she is falling in love. Moreover, these same changes can be very different and opposite. If the first love is mutual, the child feels a certain euphoria and is constantly in high spirits, which is very difficult for him to spoil.
But if the object of sympathy does not reciprocate the teenage crush, the picture may be completely opposite. The child is almost constantly depressed and may refuse to go for walks or eat. Teenage girls can cry a lot. Of course, parents should try to help their child at this time, but remember that adolescents’ perception of the world is still completely different from that of adults.
And if an adult woman, who has broken up with her passion, despite the sobs, happily discusses all his shortcomings with her friend and agrees that he is a complete bastard, then a teenager, in response to his parents’ attempt to point out the shortcomings of his chosen one, can completely withdraw into himself. And even just an attempt by a mother or father to console a child can cause a reaction of protest. It is much wiser to try to distract the child.
For example, if you have the opportunity, send your child somewhere to relax - a change of environment is very helpful even for adults, not to mention impressionable teenagers. Or buy him what he has wanted for a long time - a computer, a new phone. And don’t worry too much yourself - no matter how mortal the child’s mental wound may seem, very soon he will calm down and forget his first unhappy love.
- Appearance of a teenager
One of the most characteristic signs that a teenager has fallen in love is his increased attention to his appearance. Just yesterday your son wasn’t particularly concerned about the cleanliness of his shoes, but today he can look in them like he’s looking in a mirror? Has your daughter suddenly started asking you for permission to dye her hair? All this is a reason for parents to assume that their child has fallen in love.
It is during this period that quite serious conflicts between parents and children often arise. And this is not at all surprising - of course, if the child began to more carefully monitor his appearance, this will only be a plus. However, often a teenager conducts real experiments with his appearance - he dyes his hair in unimaginable shades, pierces all kinds of parts of his body, and puts on unimaginable clothes.
Of course, only a few parents can calmly and silently observe such experiments without criticizing the child. However, such criticism is unlikely to have the desired effect, but the likelihood of ruining the relationship with the child is very high. Therefore, try to accept the child with all his experiments - very soon they will pass, since they are just one of the inevitable factors of growing up and finding oneself.
If you can’t stand such creativity at all, try inviting your child to go to a beauty salon and go shopping together. Perhaps in this way you will be able to at least slightly adjust the teenager’s appearance. And speaking of shopping, try not to skimp on your child’s wardrobe during this period, otherwise he may develop quite serious complexes. And children are quite cruel creatures - teasing a child who stands out from the general crowd and who does not have this or that fashionable item is an absolutely normal practice for them.
- The emergence of contraceptives
Sometimes it happens that parents accidentally find contraception in their teenager. As a rule, condoms are most often found in boys. But girls can also often find contraception - the same condoms, or even birth control pills.
This situation is twofold. On the one hand, there is nothing good in the fact that a child began to be sexually active too early. And it is quite natural that the parents’ first desire will be to throw a terrible scandal with a showdown and a search for those responsible.
However, before you do this, try to calm down and think soberly. What will you achieve with a scandal? Virginity will not return to your child no matter how much you want. But the relationship, once again, can be ruined completely.
Psychologists recommend that parents pretend that they didn’t notice anything and... rejoice. One can foresee stormy objections from parents - they say, what is there to be happy about? And the fact that your child turned out to be intelligent and far-sighted enough to take care of his safety. Not all teenagers, having started sexual activity, think about their own safety in principle.
However, you shouldn’t relax completely either - after all, your child is still quite young, and is unlikely to know about all the dangers that sexual relations can pose. Try to inadvertently make sure that the child receives all the necessary information. How you do it is not the point. You can leave relevant relevant literature in a visible place, for example.
Of course, this list of signs of possible teenage love is very arbitrary. Often all these changes occur during adolescence, regardless of whether the child is in love or not. In addition, psychologists say that most of these signs should alert parents, especially the disappearance of money from home and constant fluctuations in the child’s emotional background. In some cases, this may indicate that the child has quite serious problems, including drug use.
In general, it is generally accepted that the more signs there are, the higher the likelihood that the child is really in love. And very often the best way to find out is to ask the child an open question. But as you remember, if he does not want to answer it, you should not insist and try to get into the child’s soul - you can only push him away from you.
How should parents behave?
As you can already see, falling in love almost always causes changes in teenagers, and sometimes quite significant. How should parents react to this situation? Let her take her course and not interfere? But it has already been said above that sometimes first love can lead to extremely sad consequences.
Interfere? However, even here, parents may face pitfalls - the child will think that you do not trust him or are overprotective. And this also often leads to various conflicts. Unfortunately, very often parents follow the path of least resistance - they simply forbid the child to communicate with the object of love. And they don’t pay much attention to such little things as a damaged relationship with their own offspring, believing that everything will work out on its own.
However, such behavior tactics are far from the most correct. At first glance, everything can pass completely without a trace. However, in reality this is not at all the case - the child simply hides his resentment deep in the subconscious. And then, many years later, you shouldn’t wonder why your child pays you “protocol” courtesy visits several times a year, blaming it on being too busy.
However, this is not the most unpleasant of all that such a line of behavior can result in. As a rule, almost all children, without exception, in adulthood, having become parents themselves, will involuntarily, at the subconscious level, repeat the behavior of their parents. And that means their mistakes.
To prevent such a situation, it is very important to behave correctly in this situation. There are several tips from a psychologist that will help parents behave correctly. So:
- Get to know your child's crush
If you are lucky and know exactly who your child is in love with, try to get to know him. Advise your child to invite your chosen one home. And pay attention - there is absolutely no need to have a family dinner. The children are still too young, and therefore there is absolutely no point in organizing “bride shows”.
Dating is necessary in order to get to know a person better. Very often, when meeting someone, it turns out that a person is actually much better than he seemed at first glance. And who knows, perhaps behind the appearance of a cheeky girl with purple hair there is a completely modest girl who is trying to realize herself in a similar way. And behind the appearance of a guy - a hooligan - there is a young man who catches every word and glance of your daughter, ready to fulfill her every desire and protect her from the slightest danger.
- Meet your child's friends
Those parents who know their child’s environment are in a very advantageous position. Try to get to know all, or almost all, of his friends - and you will have at least a rough idea of the social circle in which your child moves. This means you will already know roughly what to expect and what to prepare for.
However, be prepared for the fact that in order to get to know your child's friends, you will have to resort to a little trick. It is unlikely that the child will bring them to you one by one for acquaintance, as if for interrogation. But if you are organizing a party for your son or daughter and their friends, you will probably have a great opportunity not only to see with your own eyes almost all your loved ones, but also to be known as understanding and, as the younger generation says, “advanced” parents.
However, remember that it is unlikely that children will be able to feel comfortable under your tireless control - give them a little freedom. Stay for a while and go to the cinema or visit - leave the teenagers alone. Believe me, nothing bad will happen to them. But your child will certainly appreciate your trust in him, and will try in every possible way to justify it and not lose it. And such a small holiday will have a very positive effect on your relationship with your child.
- Refrain from criticism
It may well be that when you meet, you will only be convinced that you were right, and the other half of your child is very far from ideal. However, do not rush to tell your daughter that the guy is not worth her little finger, or your son that his girlfriend is just a dummy. In this way, you will achieve nothing, but will only push the child away from you. Moreover, to spite you, your child will spend even more time with the object of sympathy, even if the interest goes away on its own, naturally.
But it wouldn’t hurt to talk frankly with your child. Try to unobtrusively find out from your son or daughter what exactly attracted them so much to their chosen one or chosen one. Under no circumstances should you ridicule your child’s arguments, but try to truly understand and accept them. Perhaps these arguments are not so naive and stupid.
- Don't read notations
Another very common mistake many parents make is turning a confidential conversation with their child into a banal lecture. Agree, few people will like the situation when they come to a loved one with a desire to talk, but instead of advice, or at least understanding, they receive a moralizing sermon.
Therefore, no matter how hard it is for you to resist “soul-saving” conversations, under no circumstances give in to the impulse. Be sure to listen to your child and try to give him truly correct and useful advice if he needs it. Remember that the first love will pass quite quickly, but restoring the lost trust of a child is extremely difficult, and sometimes even completely unrealistic.
- Let your child get his own bumps
Of course, no parent wants their child to have to make mistakes. And then pay for these mistakes, sometimes quite seriously. However, you should not do this under any circumstances! No matter how much you want it, you cannot simply physically protect your child from all the dangers that may await him along the long path of life.
So maybe it really makes sense to give the child the opportunity to make mistakes and gain his own life experience, even minimal? At least for now, the child is next to you, and you will be able to provide him with the necessary help. And later, when the child grows up, it may happen that you will not be able to help him in such situations. So why take risks and deprive your child of the opportunity to gain experience and grow up?
- Don't interfere with teenagers' relationships
Under no circumstances should you try to make any effort to make young lovers quarrel. And, unfortunately, many parents practice this type of behavior. Intrigues, gossip, slander, slander - parents are ready to do anything to cause a rift between young people.
However, this is very fraught with negative consequences. If you try to turn your child against his significant other, and their relationship remains strong, you risk becoming enemy number one for both of them. And in this case, be prepared to be shunned and avoided in every possible way. The child will completely and completely try to protect his personal life from your presence.
The reaction to even the most innocuous question like “where are you going?” will only make the child want to snap. The child will begin to hide everything from you - his computer, phone, personal belongings. Very soon, family life will begin to resemble a battlefield, on which the parents and the teenager will become opponents.
Such a turn of events is especially fraught for the daughter’s parents, and for her in the first place. There are often cases when a girl deliberately gets pregnant very early from her boyfriend, and as a result, at 15–16 years old, parents are forced to either give their permission to marry or even send their daughter for an abortion.
But this is not the best way either. Firstly, the first abortion, and even at such an early age, has an extremely negative impact on the woman’s health, and on the functioning of her reproductive system in particular. You shouldn’t focus on the medical aspects - everyone probably knows about them very well.
And secondly, your daughter is now going through an extremely difficult period in her life. Hormonal changes, and even first love, are a real explosive mixture that makes a girl completely uncontrollable. She can simply, simply, pack up and go live with her boyfriend. And consider yourself very lucky if your daughter’s chosen one turns out to be a quiet boy who lives in a neighboring house, and you regularly meet his parents in the nearest store.
What if not? If you have a very vague idea of what kind of person the guy your daughter is in love with is? What if he lives wherever he has to, works part-time, doing not very legal things, or hitchhikes? Think about it - where will you look for your daughter in this case? But such stories, unfortunately, are not at all some kind of horror stories for parents, but do occur, and, alas, are not so rare.
In the event that you still manage to achieve your goal and your son or daughter breaks up with their passion, they may blame you for this. Often, even after many years, this childhood resentment makes itself felt - the child may periodically, as a rule, precisely during quarrels or conflicts, remind you of this act of yours.
- Tell your child about your first love
If you categorically refuse to accept your child’s choice, remember this. That notations and moralizing in a conversation are under no circumstances acceptable. So try to go the other way - tell him about your first love. And don’t skimp on words - tell us in as much detail as possible: about your feelings and emotions at that moment, about your experiences, plans and hopes, about your first dates and first kiss.
Try to speak as convincingly as possible so that the child feels the sincerity of your words. And then tell him how and why this love passed for you, how you met your true love - his second parent. Moreover, it is highly desirable that both parents—mother and father—talk about this.
Why is this necessary, you ask? And with such stories, you will in any case make the child involuntarily think about what. It is quite possible that his first love will not last forever. After all, a child’s life is just beginning – and who knows how it will turn out next. However, under no circumstances give examples from someone else’s life - there is no point in pointing to the neighbor’s girl who gave birth to a baby at 16 and is raising him alone. The child will most likely perceive such an example as just another “lecture” on the topic of morality.
- Increase your child's self-esteem
Most often, in order for a child to part with his passion, parents choose the following tactics: they begin to look for the slightest flaws in the teenager’s beloved. And be sure to vigorously discuss them among themselves, but so that the child hears about it. And sometimes they are also constantly pointed out to the child.
But such tactics are doomed to failure in advance - people in love usually notice little of what is around them. And even more so, they never see flaws in the object of their love. It just so happened. That love in general is very prone to idealizing a partner. Don't believe me? Remember yourself at the peak of love.
First love is one of the most important and most memorable events in a person’s life. She remains in memory regardless of whether she was happy, unhappy or unrequited. The experiences associated with first love are vivid and dramatic.
First love is remembered because it is the first emotional attachment to a person from the surrounding society and not belonging to the teenager’s family. This is his personal choice without regard to his parents. In fact, this is the very first step outside the family circle, and therefore a step into independence.
In addition to hormones and, awakened against their background, the sexual desire of a teenager is captured by unprecedented strength of emotions. He feels a surge of empathy, a desire to take care of his loved one, he basks in the attention of the other. And of course, all this happens for the first time. Many moments of first love are remembered for a lifetime. They are the first, never before experienced and this newness will never be experienced again. The first kiss will never be repeated, there will be a second, third, hundredth. But everything will no longer be the same as the first time. Teenage love is often talked about as some kind of pure feeling, and, to some extent, this is true. Sociologist Laura Carpenter in one of her books explains this opinion by saying that a person is in love for the first time, and he has no experience of a broken heart. He does not believe in the possibility that the happiness he is counting on will not happen. Yes, the first relationship may not be the best, but the teenager has nothing to compare it with, and no matter what, for him his first partner is the best.
In the first stage of love, which is popularly called the “candy-bouquet period,” teenagers very often idealize their object of love. Adults have this too. However, adults already have some experience and it happens that they themselves have unsuccessful connections and relationships behind them. Even during the period of idealization, they look at their new partner candidate with a degree of caution. A teenager often falls in love like a puppy. Yes, many people see some negative qualities in their boyfriend or girlfriend, but ignore them or justify them. This often happens even when there is violence on the part of one of the partners in the relationship.
The first partner has a very big influence on how a person’s personal relationships will be built in the future. It matters whether the love was happy or not. Mutual love usually has a very positive effect on a person’s feelings in society and his self-esteem. And the unlucky one...
As Tolstoy said: “all happy families are happy the same way, but all unhappy families are unhappy in different ways.” This phrase is not only about families, but also about people who are in relationships. One of the surveys in high schools in the United States, conducted by Karl E. Picard, showed that only 15% of the children surveyed experience first mutual love with deep positive feelings. Everyone else has relationships that are now aptly described by the phrase “everything is complicated for me.” That is, the percentage of happy and mutual love between teenagers is not so high. The rest experience varying degrees of dissatisfaction with their relationships.
Teenagers don't always start dating because they're in love. For them, relationships are not only feelings, but also a sign of socialization, maturation, success and competition. Often, special importance is attached to the status of a partner in a teenage team, his opportunities and connections. Having a boyfriend or girlfriend, even formally, increases self-esteem, and he occupies a significant position in the peer group. It happens that teenagers even conspire among themselves to “walk together” in order to create the appearance of well-being.
But, for sure, everyone knows and has before their eyes examples that people with a complete collapse of their first love subsequently found a wonderful partner and “lived happily ever after.” And there are those who carry their first unsuccessful relationship experience throughout their entire lives. Much depends on whether the teenager can evaluate his failed relationship constructively. After all, first love is not only unclouded joy without the experience of failure. There is also a place for mental pain in it. For many, the end of a first relationship is also an experience of loss. Teenagers realize even more deeply that there is no unconditional love when you are loved by default. You can lose your partner without any reason. He may simply change his mind or prefer someone else. And here nothing can be done, but only accept the state of affairs.
What do teenagers take from this?
Some people understand that this is life and are again looking for a close friend, correcting the mistakes of their first love and relationships. Others endure the belief that the world is unfair to them and they will never be wanted. They were pushed away, and the fear of a repeat of this situation haunts them for the rest of their lives. Often they are looking for a partner similar to their first love and trying to close and resolve an unresolved problem. This does not bring happiness to the majority; often everything results in stepping on the same rake.
Children who have not experienced emotional warmth from their parents are at high risk of such an outcome of first love. The longing for unconditional and accepting love and affection is poured out on a boyfriend or girlfriend. They often rush blindly into new relationships and especially idealize their partner. Not all partners are ready to endure the pressure of such feelings, and not everyone just wants it. Separation for this reason, or even for a reason common to all teenagers, hits hard for children raised without the warmth of attention in the family. Such teenagers more often end up in violent relationships, justify the rapist and extremely resist all attempts by others to help them improve their personal lives.
